The A-Z Zhou Xun is still there!

Press Release from Ruth, Head of Destroya plc/corporation:

The phrase often quoted by companies trying to flog us stuff at this time of year is ‘an ideal gift for Christmas’.  But there is never a gift that is truly ideal for every family member or friend. Granny wouldn’t know what to do with an iphone. A 4 year would not be the ideal recipient of a 20yr old bottle of malt whiskey and does anyone really want a Cliff Richard annual?

Trust Destroya plc/corporation to come up with a gift that truly spans gender, age, race and religion.

‘The 2015 Destroya A-Z of top totty calendar’.

Rather than compiling a list we thought what better way of milking the last few shekels from your pockets than release the list in calendar format. multiple totties on each month. Each lady will give their take on being a Calendar Girl, offering insight into the honour of being picked by Destroya. Making every month a treat for all Destroya fans, as well as being a reminder to the ladies who didn’t make this years calendar to try harder in 2016…. Enjoy

RRP £9.99 (includes a £0.12 donation to saving Spanish Donkeys)

January, featuring Jessica Alba, Sandra Bullock and Jenna Coleman

Jessica: I can’t believe I’ve been picked again. I knew the personal invite to Ammo Dump to come and share my private box….. at Lords cricket ground to a match with me would do the trick. I look forward to Ammo explaining googlies to me again. I’m not sure why he has to take off his trousers though?

Sandra: I knew Scud would go for me.  I’m over 50 and he loves a saucy Octogenarian.  Especially one that can do the splits whilst making a rack of lamb with mint sauce.  I know he likes my baps. They are maize topped.

Jenna: I don’t want to boast but I knew I would win. After all I’m young and perky and all the boys promised I would win after they left my apartment in Chalvey after we had a ‘Dismemberment Dance’ party. Just me and the five of them.  I have been in traction ever since but it was worth it.

  

Alba, thinking of Ammo's Googlies.- Bullock hoping to show Crater her rack.... of lamb. Coleman, pretty, pert and the star of Ammo's birthday Whats App messages.

February, featuring Kirsten Dunst and Jessica Ennis

Kirsten: Oh please. Of course I would win. I love a Dump and Dump loves me. As if he would ever let that bitch Zooey Deschanel win. That’s right Domefur. I know that’s who you voted for.

Jessica: I would do anything for these boys and frequently do. I dedicated my win at the Olympics and the World Championships to them. I can’t believe my husband hasn’t noticed. Even after our baby was born and I called it Marc Nicky Ammo Scud Soakie Ennis-Hill. Not forgetting he was born being over 6’, drinking Fosters whist telling anecdotes in a Frankie Howard voice. Then in the taxi on the way back from the hospital the baby asks the driver ‘Excuse me, do you speak Urdu’?

Dunst:Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!, Ennis taking aim at Cliff Richard on behalf of Marc Virtual Dildo.

March featuring Megan Fox and Kirsty Gallagher

Megan: How did I win? Simple. I’m a dirty little minx, plus I do have a love of shouting at the TV during Question Time.  Guess where I spend most Thursday nights?

Kirsty: I’m not a stalker, but I have a connection at the Red Lion who tips me off when they have been in. I like to get to the pub and if I’m lucky the chairs will still be warm. I know where Scud lives.  He has Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle boxer shorts that he got last Christmas.  I like to go into his bedroom when he’s not there and stroke his pillow……. I may have said to much

Dirty Little Fox with Scud Crater obsessed Gallagher

April featuring Salma Hayek and Natalie Imbruglia

Salma: Ah Nicky. He has fancied me for a long time and I repay the honour by being very bouncy. In every role I play it is a contractual obligation that I have to wear a low cut top in honour of him.

Natalie: Look, everyone knows that Soakie and I have a connection. He likes me and I worship him. And that’s how it should be. Yes I did the Johnny English movie and yes I was in an Australian soap and yes I did have a big hit single and several minor hit singles. But Soakie is a legend. Yes I know he’s married, but I’ll wait and bide my time. One day he will be mine.

Hayek, Give 2 reasons that Domefur always votes for you. - Imbruglia knew her position on the list was in the bag.

May featuring Scarlett Johanssen and Mila Kunis.

  

Scarlett: Yes its true, Marc and I have a long history going back to the improve days on the Old Windsor Am Dram circuit. I was Betty to his Frank Spencer. Being chronically shy it was my manager who suggested getting lessons in love if I was to ever get the roles of ‘sassy’ leading lady.  Imagine my surprise when the World Expert they brought in was of course Dr Love himself, Marc Virtual Dildo. I always keep Dildo in my handbag. I do course mean his self-help book.

Mila: Being from the Ukraine originally I was delighted with the breakup of the USSR. Not just because it freed my people for the oppression from Moscow, but also because Domefur has a hatred of all things Russian.

Scarlett hoping for a Dismemberment Dance with Marc and Scud. - Kunis was so nervous before the vote she didn't eat for a week and was forced to eat her own thumb.

June featuring Nigella Lawson and Kylie Minogue

Nigella: Well I must say I am gobsmacked to be included in the list.  I have been working hard to get noticed by the boys. I did all the back stage catering at the Leverkusen gig. Also when I heard that they were voting again, I sent the boys pictures of my burger with an open invitation to sample it whenever they want.

Kylie: I wonder if Ammo voted for me? He has certainly come down under with me before.

Nigella is forced to clean up after a particularly messy session with Scud Crater - Kylie spots Ammo Dump on the other side of the room

July featuring Alexandra Neidel and Rita Ora

Alexandra: What’s my secret in life. The Tao of Soakie Vest. I live using the 5 steps Soakie teachers us. Step 1) Always wear leather and denim. 2) Never be more the 10 metres away from a can of Fosters. 3) Support QPR even if they make you want to scream in frustration and anger. 4) Drink tea. 5) Drink lager at every opportunity.

Rita: I don’t care if I won by default. If Ammo says he wants me then I want him. Although I also want Scud. May be I can have both of them at the same time. Can I have Soakie as well?

two of Soakie's favourites Neidel and Rita Kia Ora

August featuring  Anna Paquin and Maggie Q.

Anna: I am always asked if I prefer my True Blood or X-Men roles. The truth is my favourite role was as lady Hat #1 in the video for Scud Crater’s Christmas song ‘Dismemberment and Wine’.

Maggie: Yes. Maggie’s #1 again. Fuck you Pauline Quirke. MVD is going to be all mine.

Paquin looks a little confused when the stunt co-ordinator explains her role in the video of 'Dismemberment and Wine' - Maggie Q bumps into Pauline Quirke.

September featuring Rachel Riley and Rachel Stevens.

Rachel Riley: I like to think I appeal to the cerebral side of the Destroya psyche. I can do the dance of the seven veils wearing a Bar Excalbur  t-shirt whilst reciting every Destroya lyric ever written.

Rachel Stevens:  When they tried to reform S-Club 7 I said ‘Yes, but only if we do Destroya covers only’. But bleeding Hannah Spearritt said she was more of a Take That fan.  That nonce Bradley said he didn’t  even know Destroya.  What a prick. So I said ‘bollocks, I’m going to do the ballroom dancing program. I wanted to dance to ‘Parisian Chestnut Vendor, do you sell Mang?’ but the producers said you can’t Cha Cha to it. Philistines

 Jealous of Anna Paquin, Rachel Riley practises before he audition for Scuds next Christmas single 'The Dismemberment Prayer'

The moment when Rachel Riley was told she has made it into the Destroya A-Z of top totty.

October featuring Charlize Theron and Kate Upton.

Charlize: One of the images of Christmas is hanging the stocking up on Christmas Eve hoping for Santa to fill it up with presents. Well to get onto the Destroya A-Z I hang my stockings up at Destroya HQ all the time. As well as my bras, knickers, thongs and well as anything that will keep the boys interested in me.

Kate: I first met Ammo and Scud whilst working as a taxi driver in Staines. I picked them up from the Royal Raj restaurant after one of the marathon discussion about the all-time England squads made up of players only from Leeds United and Blackburn Rovers. And yes I do speak Urdu.

Charlize goes subtle whilst Kate Upton goes full Soakie Vest.

November featuring Sophia Vergara and Laura Whitmore.

Sophia: I’m from Columbia but it was not cocaine I was addicted to. It was Domefur. I grew up watching the Wimpey and Pinky show and was chosen to be one of crowd ‘Si Chihuahua’ kids show.  They when I was 22, Domefur ‘auditioned’ me for the adult version ‘Chihuahua he chase the bitches’. What I didn’t know was that that show had been cancelled 3 years previously.

Laura: It was Soakie that first introduced me to Destroya. I met him at the MTV Europe awards as a young naïve Irish girl and he told me that Destroya where a boy band and his name was actually Soakie O’Vest. He delivered tea in my dressing room and I was hooked.

Vegara is determined to make Ammo love her as much as he loves Mary Berry

Despite nobody but Soakie knowing who she is, Laura is surprised that she made it into the A-Z.

December featuring Zhou Xun, Sean Young and Gillian Zinser

Zhou: 我爱弹药和吸了他3次是在 Destroya AZ的“X” 。他已经答应爱我长的时间，我弄签证

Sean Young: Scud reminds me of a young Harrison Ford. Not in looks though, it’s just Harrison used to make towers of detritus from every ones left over food. Also he introduced me to Chewbaba and I in turn introduced Chewbabba to Scud. The rest became rock n roll legend.

Gillian: With my love of Bob Dylan, Baking and cricket (plus I usually spend around 3 hours a day on the bog reading books) it was only natural I would love Ammo Dump and all things Destroya. I am honoured to be chosen and I can confirm my decision to change my name from Smith to Zinser has paid off. In your face Catherine Zeta Jones. 

Zhun Xou - Ammo loves this girl

Sean Young on the set of Blade Runner - She was really into Chewbaba

Gillian Zinser enjoys a Soakie Vest chilled tea called 'Man Fat Explosion'

Rock ‘n’ Rolling in the dosh.

The amazing corporate empire built by Britain greatest Rockers. 

By Felicity Le Travail de Coup

After the announcement by Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) last month that Destroya would be launching a range of books in time for Christmas, we take a look at the business ventures launched by the rock gods and asses the successes and the failures.

Whilst Destroya have launched numerous businesses both as a group and as individuals some have been ‘Apple’ and some have been a little bit more ‘Amstrad’.

The #1’s

‘Nicky Domefur’s Wonder Emporium………… of Mang’.  After noticing at the legendary Paris gig that Parisian Chestnut Vendors did not sell mang, Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation), quickly set upon a tie up with Quick Burger to make Mang available throughout France at every Quick Burger restaurant, meaning that the people of France could get their hands on Mang usually between the hours of 06.00 and 23.30. The tie was successful however the real money came through the $1 billion plagiarism law suit they won against the McDonalds Corporation who had launched a ‘McMang’ offering 6 months later.

‘Dismemberment Dance Off’ (on PS4, Wii and XBoxOne). The Game that kicked off the whole ‘Dance’ video game craze. Not only did the player have to buy the game, but to get the real Scud experience, they needed to buy a dance mat as well as virtual reality gloves and goggles.  This allowed the dancer to select which celebrity they could ‘dance’ with and see themselves, via the goggles, wearing the chosen celeb like a hat.  Critics will always point to the cost of the game and the extra hardware being too prohibitive. (£40 for the game plus £30 for the mat plus £1,237 for the virtual reality goggles and gloves). What those naysayers had not realised, but Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) had realised was that despite the cost, the opportunity to do totally inappropriate things to celebs, all be it virtually, would drive the game to the #1 spot in the game charts for 42 consecutive weeks.

early screen shot from the game.

Pooster Card.  Similar to an Oyster card, this brainchild of Ammo Dump was simple in in conception. Give the people quality dumping opportunities in cities and major towns, where they can go for a dump, read the paper, do some work, read a book, think about amusing anecdotes without the quite frankly disgusting surrounding of most public toilets. They swipe there Pooster card on the way in and out of the cubicle and get charged a flat rate no matter how long they were in there.  The Loo’s would be comfortable and offer streaming of Ammo’s favourite, but incredibly seasonal, television programmes.  Now for a flat fee you can go for a dump in Moscow, New York and Rio whilst watching Mary Berry nibbling on a cheese straw, Kate Humble milking a bullock, and Dr Who battling the Daleks (again).  As Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) tells us ‘there where teething problems. Mainly the phrase on the inside of the door which told customers to “Swipe the slot to exit”.  We had to put a disclaimer on the cards explain that swiping your own slot and covering your card in poo invalidates its warranty’.

Despite disasters with early prototypes the Pooster card was a success

‘Cha Cha Baby’.  This business really kicked off in 2010 after the band went Germany for possibly  there greatest concert.  Ruth  (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) explains that at the Hamburg gig we saw an opportunity as it seems that the German ladies love Soakie Vest, tea and nylon negligee’s.  Admittedly this business is only based in German speaking territories: Germany, Austria and Switzerland.  Those Teutonic ladies love their tea. We have tapped into the Wilhelmine feminist movement from the late 1800’s which gave German women the vote and more freedom.  It does mean more women are staying single and the divorce rate has shot up as women realise that all they need in their lives is a weekly tea delivery from Cha Cha Baby and a selection of Destroya based teas. The bestselling Destroya tea is ‘Jism Stick’ (with a hint of man fat).  Admittedly all our delivery drivers have to undergo reconstructive surgery to make them look like Soakie Vest.

In German Cha Cha means 'I want to nosh off Soakie Vest

Dr Love. Destroya certainly seem to have the female psych mapped out as huge source of revenue. The company umbrella name of Dr Love LLP includes divisions such as Dr Love video productions, Dr Love Erectile dysfunction tablets, Dildo King and Dr Love throat lozenges and Dr Love chaffing cream.  As Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) put it ‘I’m no Necrophiliac, but I prefer Dump. I can see however that Marc has a certain boyish Italian/Finish/English charm. We noticed how the ladies loved it when MVD serenaded them. So the entire Dr Love company and subsidiaries are based on sex but from a female point of view’.

Of course Destroya really struck it gold when Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) sold the company to Burger King who mistakenly thought that the ‘Double Pounder’ was a  burger and not an enormous double headed dildo.

Another delivery of Dildo's and chaffing cream

The ‘Did not chart’ companies.

Burgernomics. A new currency invited by Scud Crater to replace the Euro. Scud hadn’t realised that Angela Merkel is in fact a vegetarian and without the support of Europe’s biggest economy it was a nonstarter. Greece are currently looking at Halloumi and Humus as replacement currency if they get kicked out of the EuroZone.

Miss You Nights. A character assassination service dreamt up by MVD, where the Miss You Nights company would hound your selected target mercilessly until they fled from your life permanently. Ruth  (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) admits that she was partly to blame for the failure of this one. ‘I must admit that I took my eye off the ball as the new series of Great British Bake Off had started and I just let MVD get on with it without my help.  If I had seen the business plan we would never have launched it.  It was entirely based on destroying Cliff Richard. We have noticed the irony of the situation Mr Richard now finds himself in’.

Virtual Dildo's nemesis. 

Leather FM. (Not to be confused with the Dr Love subsidiary Leather For Him). A radio station that was the brain child of Soakie Vest. At first the listener figures where huge as the Destroya fan base thought that it would be nonstop Destroya tunes. But with Soakie in charge of the playlist, Destroya songs only accounted for 62.3% of the playlist with the 27.7% being supplied by bands like Air Supply, Saxon and Slayer.  In a fit of pique, despite good RAJAR figures and decent advertising sales, Soakie pulled the plug as he was just plain bored. He sold the station to Richard Branson for £1 who changed the name to Virgin Radio and claimed, like he always does, that it was his idea originally any way.

Leather FM mascot, Gepeto

Uncle Tim’s House of Fun. An idea of Ammo’s to create the kind of fun house for kids. The Uncle Tim’s House of Fun play centre was meant to be a chain or franchise operation with plans for 400 centres in the UK and then worldwide expansion.  Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) has a wistful look when I ask her about the failure. ‘I just popped into the garden to plant some bulbs and came back into the house to find Ammo had sub-let the ‘John Charles Stand’ at Elland Road and had already contracted Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen to design the interior. The kids would enter and go through what Ammo thought would be every ones idea of enchantment.  However not all 6 year olds want to play in Toilet Land, where the kids are meant to sit on toilet seats and quietly read the Guardian whilst listening to test match special. Also anecdote corner was not a hit with 4 year old girls, and no one was interested in the Zhou Xun area. No one cared that she once got into the Destroya A-Z of top totty as the only X submitted’. Uncle Tim’s House of Fun closed after 3 days.

The Dump room was a turn off for kids.

‘The’ Fest. A new music festival where Domefur used his pent up anger with Virtual Dildo’s nazi like obsession with the word ‘The’ to create a festival where all the bands would have a ‘The’ in the title.  Domefur had mistakenly thought he could get The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Doors, The Jackson Five, The Kinks to headline the 12 day festival, with tickets would have been a nominal charge of £1437.50. In the end he put on a one day festival with bands such as The Dolphin Brothers, The Supremes, The Clangers and The The headlining. It was cancelled with sales of tickets being ‘disappointing’. It probably didn’t help that tickets where still going to be £1437.50.

The festival that never was.

Andrew Jennings uncovers corruption and bias against Destroya

After successfully exposing corruption at the Olympics and now FIFA, top investigative journalist, and pork pie lover, Andrew Jennings has exposed the systemic corruption that lead to the ‘The Internet’ taking out a 5 year restraining order against Destroya.  This ironically is the first post for exactly two years!

 

Jennings discovered that the Judge who granted the highly controversial and unprecedented ban,  Lord Justice Winklethorpe-Smyth III, is in fact related to Nikki Sixx the Bass Player from glam tart rock band Mötley Crüe, who have held a long term fatwah against Destroya because of their rivals massive success and the fact that Pamela Anderson used to cry out for Soakie Vest every time she and the ‘Motley’s’  Tommy Lee used to do the double back monster. That and Soakie is by far and away the better drummer.

 

With the decision over turned, Destroya can once again pollute the world wide web with its usual brand of factual discourse and utter filth. Indeed many blamed the low attendance* on the recent 3 show German tour down to the lack of digital info from the band.

 

Ruth, Head of Everything at Destroya PLC/Corporation, commented ‘Those tussled haired posers have had their comeuppance good and proper. This was a clear attempt to interrupt and damage my bands wellbeing and of course limit the huge amount of filthy lucre that was rolling into the Destroya bank account. This in turn meant we had to cancel charitable donations that would have save dozens of kittens, puppies and other cute animals.  I hope they can live with themselves’. Ruth also confirmed that in the coming days there will be a further post on the ‘boys’ first venture into publishing.

 

In a new development it seems that Mötley Crüe have been slain in there L.A. lair with no reported survivors. Police are looking for Kirsten Dunst.

 

*The low attendance is a reference to Soakie and Domefur not turning up and not the attendance at the gigs which totalled 183,398 over the three concerts.

The return of Lydia's Juicy Burger!

 

 

'Toto, I've got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore’

By Marc Kermod

So in a departure from the normal Rock ‘n’ Roll nonsense that Destroya get up to when they meet up to record some tracks, last Friday the Boys popped into the Thorpe recording studios to discuss a commission to record the new soundtrack for the up coming Blockbuster ‘The Instigator’. The semi autobiographical story of Scud Crater.

Originaly scheduled for June 2013, the movie has been moved to the family friendly pre-Christmas slot of 12^th December.  A cast including Megan Fox as the wife, Zac Effron as the Son, Jessica Alba as the daughter, with Samuel L Jackson as Ammo Dump, Daniel Day Lewis as Soakie Vest, Gerrard Butler as Marc Virtual Dildo, Timmy Mallett as Nicky Domefur and Vince Vaughn as Scud Crater.

Guest  stars to include Lionel Blair, Denzel Washington, Ray Winston, The female cast members of Geordie Shore,  Dustin Hoffman, Ant but not Dec,  Daniel Craig, Uma Thurman, Kurstin Dunst, Charlieze Theron and Warrick Davies.

In order to get into the whole movie soundtrack thing, they decided to meet up and find out which movies they liked and which they could draw inspiration from in order to produce an award winning soundtrack as well as writing a potential song to win the Oscar© for’ best original song’. 

The mood was lightened by the fact that Lydia has come back to the Red Lion and was offering her juicy burger to nibble on to any one fancied it.  Naturally, as befits Rock Gods, they all devoured this offer and it was Soakie who commented that whilst Sarah’s and Chrissie’s burger where indeed very lovely, it was good to get his lips around Lydia’s again.

So what where the movies the boys liked?

In the category for 1900 – 1969

Scud: ‘The Pink Panther’

Soakie: ‘Carry on Screaming’
MVD: ‘ 12 Angry Men’
Ammo: ‘It’s a wonderful life’
Domefur: ‘From Russia with Love’

Its a wonderful life clip

 As always the first option when there is deadlock, is to seek the opinion of the waitress. The pained look was all we need to know.  She had not heard of any of the films! Domefur then remembered that whilst he loved Bond and ‘From Russia with Love’ is the best of all the Bonds, he had developed a severe allergy to all things Moscow.  He bottled it and said he would step aside and choose ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ as the winner.

 

1970 – 1979.

Scud: ‘Star Wars’

Soakie: ‘Young Frankenstein’
MVD: ‘Apocalypse Now’
Ammo: ‘Apocalypse Now’
Domefur: ‘The Godfather’

Star Wars - Original Trailer

 In accordance with the Internationally calibrated rules of Destroya competitions, duplicate answers mean those entries are disqualified.  As Ammo was still hitchhiking back from the G8 summit in Ireland and had phoned in his answers, it was left to Dildo to pronounce the genre changing and ground breaking  ‘Star Wars’ as film of the decade.

 1980 -1989

Scud: ‘The Shinning’

Soakie: ‘This is Spinal Tap’
MVD: ‘Raiders of the lost Ark’
Ammo: ‘Blade Runner’
Domefur: ‘Highander’

Highlander Trailer (You know the best film of the 80's!)

 With no duplicates and no one willing to submit that their entries where not as good as Highlander, and with the waitress already failing to offer any meaningful contribution except ‘Do you want any extra sauces’ , meant that for the first time this evening the it was declared a tie.

 1990 – 1999

 

Scud: ‘Happy Gilmore’

Soakie: ‘The Bone Collector’
MVD: ‘Pulp Fiction’
Ammo: ‘Love Field’ (I know, nobody else had heard of it either. It was Crater who mentioned that it must be a film starring Michelle Pfeiffer or a young Kirstin Dunst, (in which case Dump’s picture would be placed  high up on the wall of the Operation Yew tree incident room).
Domefur: ‘Jurassic Park’

Pulp Fiction Trailer

With the waitress now unable to offer anything other than do you want to see the desert menu, (no lumpy bumpy pudding on offer today) it was another tie 

2000 – Present

 

Scud: ‘Inglorious Basterds’

Soakie: ‘Paul’
MVD: ‘End of watch’
Ammo: ‘The Lord of the Rings, Return of Thomas Crapper’
Domefur: ‘Shrek’

Paul Trailer

Again with no winners, the boys will fight to the death to decide the winner.

The Wild Card

Scud: ‘Goldmember’

Soakie: ‘Start the revolution without me’
MVD: ‘The Godfather’
Ammo: ‘Being There’
Domefur: ‘Life of Brian’

The Godfather - Trailer

In light of the Decades with no winner, and the fact their where not enough rules and boundaries for MVD’s liking, the boys will meet over the summer and revisit this idea with no decade rules but simply their favourite in each movie genre. Drama, Action, Thriller, Foreign Language, Documentary, Musical, Comedy and of course Skin Flick/Jazz movie

He who must not be blamed

How Harry Redknapp take inspiration from a Destroya Legend
By Oliver Kay

 

It seems that Soakie Vest has influenced more QPR managers then we initially thought.  After Terry Venables revealed that Soakie had inspired a half time team talk that led to the Super Hoops thrashing Bolton Wanderers 7-1. We have now discovered that Ian Holloway lists ‘The Tao of Soakie’ as a major influence in his management style. Marc Bircham regularly drinks copious amount of beer with Soakie and Paulo Sousa has a tattoo of Soakie’s penis on his back.  We now find that Soakie was a major influence in attracting Harry Redknapp to become the Rangers boss.

Redknapp takes up the story:

‘Well I had just left Totteringham after rescuing them from certain relegation. I then transformed them into a team playing the best football they had ever seen and almost very nearly winning the whole league. I was the bloke who spotted Gareth Bale as well and gave him his chance. I know every when will say it was Southampton, there another side I nearly led to the title, who spotted Balesie and indeed Juande Ramos actually signed him 18 months before I joined the Spurz.  But I was the one who turned him into the player he is today. Everybody knows I’m a genius with man management.

Any way I was signing on at the Poole doll office, when my agent hears that Sparky Hughes has been sacked at the Rangers. Quick as a flash he gets Sky Sports News to conduct an interview through the window of me Range Rover and gets me to tell them I considering the role of national team manager of the Ukraine. Old Tony Fernades gets in a right old state cause’ sky sports, the tabloid papers and Talkspite Radio are all pointing out that employing me is a guarantee to get out of relegation trouble.  Don’t believe Wikipedia as they list me getting Oxford City, Bournemouth, Portsmouth, Southampton and West Ham relegated and leaving the clubs financially in the shit after reckless spending.

So Tony is trying to sell it to me and apart from the huge salary, enormous and unsustainable transfer kitty, plus the get out of jail card of blaming Sparky if they do get relegated, he then lays down his trump card, Rangers Super fan, Soakie Vest.

Now Soakie is a triffic triffic bloke but I’m still not sure. So I asks me missus Sandra.  She’s a big fan of Destroya and she says I should take the job and then she’ll get to meet him.

She’s met him now and they seem to have struck up a triffic triffic friendship. Last week I got home early and Soakie was there.  Apparently as well as being a rock superstar he has his own business delivering tea. I asks her what so special about his tea and she says it’s about the blending. I points out to her I’m a football manager,  explain it to me in footballing terms. So she tells me he delivers the tea by going round the back, always filling the hole and making sure he finishes up front with a happy ending.

So I tries this formation against Southampton and blow me if we don’t go and win 2-1.  Obviously I tell everyone it was my idea.  Next week I asks Sandra how did Soakie deliver the tea this week.  She says ‘the big on top, deep thrusts and everyone finishing at the same time’. So I use this and we beat Reading 3-1.  I think we are onto something here.  How did he deliver the tea this week Sandra? Anally she says.  We lose 3-2 to Aston Villa. Fucking Chris Samba, can’t follow a simple instruction. Anal, I shouts.  He just looks at me like he doesn’t understand.

Any way this week she’s said Soakie will be ‘tying up the opposition , which I understand, I don’t get the ‘hot candle wax’ bit.  Still if wakes up Taraabt then I’ll give it a try.

Soakie Vest. True fan, tactics genius and the best tea delivery services this side of Fortnum & Mason’.

 Harry tries to fit in at Chewbabba's Christmas Party.

 

Harry Redknapp was talking exclusively to anybody who would listen….. through the window of his Range Rover.

Destroya’s Album Wall of Fame 

 

As we all know ‘Welcome to the weekend of death’ is the number 1 greatest album of all time as voted for by Rolling Stone magazine, NME, Radio 6, Xfm, Good Housekeeping and of course Jugs magazine. But what albums do the Destroya boys like to listen to?  What would be the three favourite albums for each band member? 

Firstly we asked Marc Virtual Dildo. His response was classic Dildo. ‘Oh no.  It can’t be that easy.  You need rules otherwise Domefur will blissfully contemplate his choices and come back with three cracking answers involving obscure punk bands from the 80’s. We have to choose three but they must all be from different musical genres.’

So we worked out the genres and laid down the plans in front of MVD. ‘No no no. You got this all wrong. Rock, Punk, Indie, Metal, Classic Rock, slash metal, thrash metal, new wave, soft rock and Prog Rock are all easily recognised genres, but I need to both confuse and piss off Domefur.  If I am allowing titles beginning with ‘The’, I have to insist on some bewildering and confusing rules. Remember without rules we would all be French’.

So Rock encompassed pretty much all musical genres that Domefur listened to. The other choices where Pop, Classical, Country and Western and blue grass. So once Marc ‘Dark Lord, Rule Nazi’ Virtual Dildo had finished fannying around. We were ready to begin. We asked each member to give a brief synopsis of why each album meant so much to them.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as decided over burgers and beer in the Red Lion Recording Studio, let us present to you the Destroya Album Wall of Fame. (The Hyperlinks in blue under each album title is a video of a song from said album).

Album #1 Asia by Asia. As chosen by Soakie Vest

Asia - Heat of the Moment

A favourite in the Soakie Vest household. It’s also the album that inspired Vest to open a chain of Asian Fusion restaurants in the late 1990’s called ‘Soakie Vest’s house of mild chilli dishes’. The Album was released in 1982 to mixed reviews but it did stay at the top of the US billboard charts for 9 weeks and the band are hailed as leaders of the Rock/synth/perm acts from that time.

As for Vest and the now defunct eateries he explains. ‘It all started to go wrong when I insisted on having ‘Heat of the moment’ playing on a loop in the kitchens.  The chefs kept walking out. Also the waiting staff hated having to sing ‘Here comes the feeling’ when carrying the food out to the customers. Eventually with no staff and no customers, I sat all alone in the last restaurant in Pease Pottage in Sussex, drinking beer and singing ‘Without You’ and ‘Sole Survivor’. It seemed like the right time to close it all down.

Album # 2. Blonde on Blonde by Bob Dylan. As chosen by Ammo Dump

Rainy Day Women - Dylan

It is a well-known fact that without Ammo Dump, there would be no Bob Dylan. It’s 1966 and struggling Singer Song writer Bob is looking for new inspiration have only released 6 albums in the previous 4 years. The guy had serious writers block. Desperate for cash he took a job as a clown performing at children’s parties and then in early ’66 he went to the home of a young Ammo Dump for a 1 and half hour booking of face painting, juggling and pinning the tail on the donkey.  When he got there the rather serious 4 year old took him to one side and said ‘Listen Bob, when I need inspiration, I don’t dick about in the desert smoking pot and talking to animals. No I go straight to the bog with a copy of Mary Berry’s cake cook book. She might be 31 but she’s hot.  And she is blonde.  I love blondes.  When I grow up I hope I marry one. Now bugger off and don’t release your next album until its ready’. Sure enough less than 3 weeks later, Dylan released Blonde on Blonde. 

 

Album # 3. Thriller by Michael Jackson. As chosen by Scud Crater.

Michael Jackson - Thriller

So why did Scud choose this album? ‘Simple really. I inspired most of it.  It was the summer of 1981 and I bumped into Quincy Jones who was buying a pogo stick from the toy department in the Daniel of Windsor store.  ‘Hey Kid’ he asks, ‘Do you think a 24 yr. old with the mental age of a 9 yr. old would like this?’ ‘I have no idea’ says I ‘but as a young child can you, as a responsible grown up, might I ask you to help me. I have written some songs but don’t know what sort of tunes the words should be put to. I was thinking a soul base, but with disco over tones and the occasional use of rock guitar that would appeal to white middle class Americans. What do you think?’ ‘Let me take a look and I’ll get back to you’ said Jones. 

My songs where titled ‘Want to be shafting something’, ‘Lamb burger be mine’, ‘The kebab is mine’ (Possible duet with John Lennon), ‘chill R’, ‘Eat it’, and ‘Willie Jeans’.  To this day Jones has never got back to me or answered the letters of my solicitors.

 

Album # 4. Plastic Surgery Disasters by The Dead Kennedys. As chosen by Nicky Domefur

dead Kennedys Halloween.

This 1982 album by popular beat combo from the west coast of America.  Four very angry young men from California inspired one angry young boy from Middlesex. ‘Is this true Domefur, you where an angry boy when this album came out?’  ‘Angry. I was livid. 1982 was a dark period in the charts. My first band, The Spastic Aardvarks, had split up, having recorded no songs, or indeed not having written any songs and I felt at the age of 14, I was already on the musical scrap heap.  I really needed like-minded people to help me write great song titles, write great music and play our instruments superbly. 15 years later I would meet Ammo Dump and we do write great song titles so 1 out 3 isn’t bad’.

Album # 5. The Specials by The Specials. As chosen by Marc Virtual Dildo.

The Specials - Too Much to young

 

The late seventies and Britain has already witnessed the youth of day rebelling with the birth of the punk scene.  Then disenfranchised people who didn’t want to stick pins through their lips and dye their hair green found a new voice in the form of ‘Ska’. Why did MVD chose Ska over Punk?  ‘Easy. How many beautiful girls do you see with tattooed, pierced Mohawk wearing shouty boy?  Not many. But ska you not only get the music with a soul base to it, you also get to wear ‘tonic’ suits.  The ladies loved my tonic suits, very Goodfellas’. 

According to MVD’s brother, Gian(t) Virtual Dildo, when The Specials album came out, MVD spent more time listening to ‘Rock n Roll Juvenile’.

 

Album # 6. The Lexicon of love by ABC.  As chosen by Soakie Vest

ABC - Look of Love live

Album 6 and the 4^th album chosen by the band that was released in 1982.  It is a little known fact that Marc Virtual Dildo is a certified Lexicon of Love and has reached 4^th Dan black belt in Lexiconism.  This is not why Soakie chose this album though.  You see it reminds Soakie of the time he was a ball boy at Loftus Road. It was the heady days of plastic pitches and a sun tanned Terry Venables saw young Soakie just before half time in a match against Bolton in May. Venables takes up the story.  ‘I turned around and there was this fresh faced ball boy. He says to me ‘’I love football Mr Venables but I love music as well’’. So I says to him ‘listen son. At half time I’m going to sing my team talk in a Rat Pack stylie.  Do you fancy coming into the dressing and listen. Ian Gillard and big Bob Hazel are my backing singers. The cheeky scamp tells me I'd be better off signing a song from The Lexicon of Love as my vocal range is similar to Martin Fry’.  Venables continues 'In the end my team talk was just a rendition of The Look of Love. Peter Hucker and Gary Micklewhite cried their fucking eyes out.  We went back out and thumped Bolton 7-1.  Cheers Soakie’.

Album # 7.The Wall by Pink Floyd. As chosen by Scud Crater.

Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall

Scud, its turns out, did not spend his time boarding school tripping out to ‘The Wall’.  We had visions of him walking around Surrey and Berkshire with his Walkman blaring out ‘Good Bye Blue Skies’ whilst puffing on the new herbal cigarettes he had discovered.  Scud dismisses this and tells us the real reason why this album is in his top three.  ‘Look it’s as simple as this. Firstly no body walked around with a Walkman.  They weighed 9 lbs. each. Secondly at my school every Friday at 6.30pm the bell would sound for the Upper House boys to play the digestive game. If I wanted gravy on my biscuit it would be supplied by Bisto and not by Spotty Jenkins from 4D. So to drown out the 6.30 bell, I spent my entire life at school with Gilmore playing in my ears’.

Album # 8. Meat is Murder by The Smiths. As chosen by Nicky Domefur

Meat is Murder by the Smiths

Domefur was 16 when this was released and he admits that he thought Vegetarianism was something to do with being a vet. How naive. ‘Look I wasn’t the brightest, but this album really opened my eyes to what was happening in the world.  I would often sit in my bedroom with my headphones on, listen to this and contemplate the terrible way animals are killed for food, and what right did I have to go along with this.  Then my Mum would call me down for sausage and mash and I would pretty much forget all about it.  I still like to think of myself as a kind of vegetarian called avagetarian I just love the munching on vag. Now pass me the burgers’.

Album # 9. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. As chosen by Ammo Dump.

David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust

Ziggy is a concept album which is loosely based on a concept solo album, play, book and film by Ammo Dump called ‘The staggering highs and tragic lows of Tony Yeboah and Chewbabba from Kashyyyk ’.  Part of the reason Dumps' album never really took off, (it got to number 54 during its 4 week chart run), is there are lots of great song titles but little in the way of musical content. Indeed the tracks are in fact anecdotes of Ammo’s life.  Whilst the track listing is only 5 songs long the total running time is 2 weeks, 4 days, 9 hours and 32 minutes exactly.  Interestingly track 2 is the shortest story lasting 1 day, 12 hours, 29 minutes and 32 seconds in which Dump talks about meeting David Bowie.  BBC Radio 6 will be playing the album in its entirety in June of 2013. The Ziggy Stardust Album only lasts 38.37 minutes.

Album # 10. Faith by George Michael, as chosen by Marc Virtual Dildo

George Michael - Faith

When released in 1988, MVD was starting his training Berkshire school of Lotharios, hoping to get his doctorate in loving.  Dildo told us ‘this is a cracking album which blokes could listen to and girls would love as well.  I modelled myself on George at the time, leather jacket, aviators, tight tight jeans, the pink feather bower was a bit strange, but George was all man. We were like best mates. It’s like he was inside me, right behind me you know.  People always liked the way I sung his tunes. I suppose it was like he was in my mouth’.  

 

Album # 11. Both Sides by Joni Mitchell, as chosen by Soakie Vest

Joni Mitchel - Both sides now

Joni Mitchell is the Mother of Grant and Phil Mitchell from Eastenders. This album, released in 2000 was recorded in the UK in 2000.  This is where Joni Mitchell first met Soakie who was at the same studio doing voice over work for a radio ad for dog flea powder.   Indeed Soakie actually played the Penny Whistle on Joni’s title track Both Sides.  Soakie takes up the story.  ‘We hit it off straight away. She likes beer and I like beer and it turns out she is a huge fan of Paul Furlong. So I took her to Loftus Road for a match. Its turns out there are 2 Paul Furlongs and her one didn’t play for QPR.  Still she took pity on me and became a season ticket holder’.

It is rumoured that Mitchell has written a song for Soakies next solo album. The track is called ‘don’t bother sending me an email because I never respond’.

Album # 12. Rubber Soul by The Beatles, as chosen by Ammo Dump

Norwegian Wood

This album came to Dumps attention whilst he was at University studying Coprophilia . His dissertation titled ‘Come on, just flush it down the bog’, is still used as part of the course work.  Originally attracted to the album by the track Norwegian Wood, Ammo set about recreating all the tracks as he would like them arranged.  Using only a ‘Rolf Harris Stylophone’ a Waltham tape recorder and a very used C90 tape. He sent the tape to numerous record companies as a showcase for his producing skills. Picked up by Wildlife records, they repackaged it and sold to new age hippies as Whale song. Not quite what Dump intended but he did earn nearly £4.56 in royalties.  Enough for some mushroom sauce but not the burger.  Ammo has since found out that Norwegian Wood is not a Scandinavian porn film.

Album # 13. Band on the Run by Paul McCartney & Wings, as chosen by Marc Virtual Dildo.

Wings - Band On The Run

We have to thank MVD’s Mum and Dad for this one. For hidden in the Show tunes albums, discs for the Opera’s and of course Hard Core Finnish House Trance records, they had this little gem.  So we asked him what he thought of the record. ‘Well to be quite honest with you, I thought it was a Saturday morning cartoon series.  I envisaged that the’ band’ had done something wrong even though they were actually good guys. You know a sort of musical A-Team.  They were always ‘on the run’ but probably really helping people in small villages and town against some rich local land owner bully type.  After a couple of years of this strange childhood fantasy world I lived in, I then actually listened to the record and thought wow. My favourite tracks are Band on the Run and Jet of course.  Although I did love Mrs Vandebilt. Not the song but rather the Milf down the road. Or as I liked to call her Mrs Robinson. (see album # 10 for Dr Love explanation)

Album # 14. England Keep My Bones by Frank Turner, as chosen by Nicky Domefur.

Frank Turner - If Ever I Stray

‘So why do you like this album Nicky?’

‘I just do’

Album # 15. TBC by Scud Crater