Press Release from Ruth, Head of Destroya plc/corporation:
The phrase often quoted by companies trying to flog us stuff
at this time of year is ‘an ideal gift for Christmas’. But there is never a gift that is truly ideal
for every family member or friend. Granny wouldn’t know what to do with an
iphone. A 4 year would not be the ideal recipient of a 20yr old bottle of malt
whiskey and does anyone really want a Cliff Richard annual?
Trust Destroya plc/corporation to come up with a gift
that truly spans gender, age, race and religion.
‘The 2015 Destroya A-Z of top totty calendar’.
Rather than compiling a list we thought what better way
of milking the last few shekels from your pockets than release the list in
calendar format. multiple totties on each month. Each lady will give their take on
being a Calendar Girl, offering insight into the honour of being picked by
Destroya. Making every month a treat for all Destroya fans, as well as being a
reminder to the ladies who didn’t make this years calendar to try harder in
2016…. Enjoy
RRP £9.99 (includes a £0.12 donation to saving Spanish Donkeys)
January, featuring Jessica Alba, Sandra Bullock and Jenna
Coleman
Jessica: I can’t believe I’ve been picked again. I knew
the personal invite to Ammo Dump to come and share my private box….. at Lords
cricket ground to a match with me would do the trick. I look forward to
Ammo explaining googlies to me again. I’m not sure why he has to take off his
trousers though?
Sandra: I knew Scud would go for me. I’m over 50 and he loves a saucy Octogenarian. Especially one that can do the splits whilst
making a rack of lamb with mint sauce. I
know he likes my baps. They are maize topped.
Jenna: I don’t want to boast but I knew I would win.
After all I’m young and perky and all the boys promised I would win after they
left my apartment in Chalvey after we had a ‘Dismemberment Dance’ party. Just
me and the five of them. I have been in
traction ever since but it was worth it.
Alba, thinking of Ammo's Googlies.- Bullock hoping to show Crater her rack.... of lamb. Coleman, pretty, pert and the star of Ammo's birthday Whats App messages.
February, featuring Kirsten Dunst and Jessica Ennis
Kirsten: Oh please. Of course I would win. I love a Dump
and Dump loves me. As if he would ever let that bitch Zooey Deschanel win. That’s
right Domefur. I know that’s who you voted for.
Jessica: I would do anything for these boys and
frequently do. I dedicated my win at the Olympics and the World Championships
to them. I can’t believe my husband hasn’t noticed. Even after our baby was born
and I called it Marc Nicky Ammo Scud Soakie Ennis-Hill. Not forgetting he was
born being over 6’, drinking Fosters whist telling anecdotes in a Frankie
Howard voice. Then in the taxi on the way back from the hospital the baby asks
the driver ‘Excuse me, do you speak Urdu’?
Dunst:Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!, Ennis taking aim at Cliff Richard on behalf of Marc Virtual Dildo.
March featuring Megan Fox and Kirsty Gallagher
Megan: How did I win? Simple. I’m a dirty little minx,
plus I do have a love of shouting at the TV during Question Time. Guess where I spend most Thursday nights?
Kirsty: I’m not a stalker, but I have a connection at the
Red Lion who tips me off when they have been in. I like to get to the pub and
if I’m lucky the chairs will still be warm. I know where Scud lives. He has Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle boxer
shorts that he got last Christmas. I
like to go into his bedroom when he’s not there and stroke his pillow……. I may
have said to much
Dirty Little Fox with Scud Crater obsessed Gallagher
April featuring Salma Hayek and Natalie Imbruglia
Salma: Ah Nicky. He has fancied me for a long time and I
repay the honour by being very bouncy. In every role I play it is a contractual
obligation that I have to wear a low cut top in honour of him.
Natalie: Look, everyone knows that Soakie and I have a
connection. He likes me and I worship him. And that’s how it should be. Yes I
did the Johnny English movie and yes I was in an Australian soap and yes I did
have a big hit single and several minor hit singles. But Soakie is a legend.
Yes I know he’s married, but I’ll wait and bide my time. One day he will be
mine.
Hayek, Give 2 reasons that Domefur always votes for you. - Imbruglia knew her position on the list was in the bag.
Hayek, Give 2 reasons that Domefur always votes for you. - Imbruglia knew her position on the list was in the bag.May featuring Scarlett Johanssen and Mila Kunis.
Scarlett: Yes its true, Marc and I have a long history going
back to the improve days on the Old Windsor Am Dram circuit. I was Betty to his
Frank Spencer. Being chronically shy it was my manager who suggested getting lessons in love if I was to ever get the roles of ‘sassy’ leading lady. Imagine my surprise when the World Expert
they brought in was of course Dr Love himself, Marc Virtual Dildo. I always
keep Dildo in my handbag. I do course mean his self-help book.
Mila: Being from the Ukraine originally I was delighted
with the breakup of the USSR. Not just because it freed my people for the oppression
from Moscow, but also because Domefur has a hatred of all things Russian.
June featuring Nigella Lawson and Kylie Minogue
Nigella: Well I must say I am gobsmacked to be included
in the list. I have been working hard to
get noticed by the boys. I did all the back stage catering at the Leverkusen gig.
Also when I heard that they were voting again, I sent the boys pictures of
my burger with an open invitation to sample it whenever they want.
Kylie: I wonder if Ammo voted for me? He has certainly
come down under with me before.
July featuring Alexandra Neidel and Rita Ora
Alexandra: What’s my secret in life. The Tao of Soakie
Vest. I live using the 5 steps Soakie teachers us. Step 1) Always wear leather
and denim. 2) Never be more the 10 metres away from a can of Fosters. 3) Support
QPR even if they make you want to scream in frustration and anger. 4) Drink
tea. 5) Drink lager at every opportunity.
Rita: I don’t care if I won by default. If Ammo says he
wants me then I want him. Although I also want Scud. May be I can have both of
them at the same time. Can I have Soakie as well?
August featuring
Anna Paquin and Maggie Q.
Anna: I am always asked if I prefer my True Blood or X-Men
roles. The truth is my favourite role was as lady Hat #1 in the video for Scud
Crater’s Christmas song ‘Dismemberment and Wine’.
Maggie: Yes. Maggie’s #1 again. Fuck you Pauline Quirke. MVD
is going to be all mine.
September featuring Rachel Riley and Rachel Stevens.
Rachel Riley: I like to think I appeal to the cerebral
side of the Destroya psyche. I can do the dance of the seven veils wearing a
Bar Excalbur t-shirt whilst reciting every
Destroya lyric ever written.
Rachel Stevens: When
they tried to reform S-Club 7 I said ‘Yes, but only if we do Destroya covers
only’. But bleeding Hannah Spearritt said she was more of a Take That fan. That nonce Bradley said he didn’t even know Destroya. What a prick. So I said ‘bollocks, I’m going
to do the ballroom dancing program. I wanted to dance to ‘Parisian Chestnut
Vendor, do you sell Mang?’ but the producers said you can’t Cha Cha to it. Philistines
Jealous of Anna Paquin, Rachel Riley practises before he audition for Scuds next Christmas single 'The Dismemberment Prayer'
October featuring Charlize Theron and Kate Upton.
Charlize: One of the images of Christmas is hanging the
stocking up on Christmas Eve hoping for Santa to fill it up with presents. Well
to get onto the Destroya A-Z I hang my stockings up at Destroya HQ all the
time. As well as my bras, knickers, thongs and well as anything that will keep
the boys interested in me.
Kate: I first met Ammo and Scud whilst working as a taxi
driver in Staines. I picked them up from the Royal Raj restaurant after one of
the marathon discussion about the all-time England squads made up of players
only from Leeds United and Blackburn Rovers. And yes I do speak Urdu.
November featuring Sophia Vergara and Laura Whitmore.
Sophia: I’m from Columbia but it was not cocaine I was addicted
to. It was Domefur. I grew up watching the Wimpey and Pinky show and was chosen
to be one of crowd ‘Si Chihuahua’ kids show.
They when I was 22, Domefur ‘auditioned’ me for the adult version ‘Chihuahua
he chase the bitches’. What I didn’t know was that that show had been cancelled
3 years previously.
Laura: It was Soakie that first introduced me to
Destroya. I met him at the MTV Europe awards as a young naïve Irish girl and he
told me that Destroya where a boy band and his name was actually Soakie O’Vest.
He delivered tea in my dressing room and I was hooked.
Vegara is determined to make Ammo love her as much as he loves Mary Berry
Despite nobody but Soakie knowing who she is, Laura is surprised that she made it into the A-Z.
December featuring Zhou Xun, Sean Young and Gillian
Zinser
Zhou: 我爱弹药和吸了他3次是在 Destroya AZ的“X” 。他已经答应爱我长的时间，我弄签证
Sean Young: Scud reminds me of a young Harrison Ford. Not
in looks though, it’s just Harrison used to make towers of detritus from every
ones left over food. Also he introduced me to Chewbaba and I in turn introduced
Chewbabba to Scud. The rest became rock n roll legend.
Gillian: With my love of Bob Dylan, Baking and cricket
(plus I usually spend around 3 hours a day on the bog reading books) it was
only natural I would love Ammo Dump and all things Destroya. I am honoured to
be chosen and I can confirm my decision to change my name from Smith to Zinser
has paid off. In your face Catherine Zeta Jones.
Zhun Xou - Ammo loves this girl
Sean Young on the set of Blade Runner - She was really into Chewbaba
Gillian Zinser enjoys a Soakie Vest chilled tea called 'Man Fat Explosion'
