The Offical Destroya A - Z of Mang

By Brian Sewell

He's our Art Crtic... really

Sunday 11th September 2011

When the Destroya boy's meet up at the 3 Michelin star restaurant they had built at the Red Lion, the conversation always comes round to art in one form or another. Sadly a late call up to the Italian world cup rugby team prevented Marc Virtual Dildo from attending. But thanks to modern technology he joined in the conversation via the interweb.

The world needed to know who where the ladies who would make the definitive A-Z of mang. Modeling contracts, film roles, endorsements could be worth 5 or 6 times as much to any lucky lady who is on the list. It also showed that the band members don't always go for obvious and I believe their choices show a remarkable understanding of the female form. Would 'birds of a feather flock together' or would predictability win through.

A) Jessica Alba. An obvious choice although one of the original Destroya Babes Anatasia was also nominated

B) Kelly Brook. Once seen wearing a 'Dismember Me Softly' t-shirt.

C) Abbey Clancy. A favorite of the band ever since she revealed in an interview that when she and husband Peter Croach make love she makes him wear a Chewbabba mask.

D) Kirstin Dunst. Despite some strong challengers it was the Destroya tattoo on her arse cheek that got her the nod. It was also noted that she has a small birth mark on her inner thigh that resembles Ammo Dump.

Dunst. Has a image of Ammo Dump near her vag!

E) Erika Eleniak, won her place simply for the movie moment of jumping out of a cake, wearing only a black thong in Under Siege and defiantly not for Celebrity Fit Club, when she was flabby and not fit at all.

F) Megan Fox, Dirty little routny. Lists the Scud Crater branded KY jelly as her favourite product.

G) Kirsty Gallacher. Lives near the band on the Wentworth council estate and often comes down to the Red Lion to sniff the chairs hoping to get a wiff of Crater.

Gallacher, wants world peace and a sniff of Craters crater.

H) Liz Hurley. Controversial one here. 92 year old Liz seems to have been chosen thanks to her Oscar winning roles in Austin Powers and Bedazzled.

I) Natalie Imbruglia. The cries for Natalie where led by Soakie Vest who fondly remembers delivering tea to her. She still wears her QPR negligee every night.

Imbruglia, Obsessed with Soakie Vest.

J) Angelina Jolie. Famously broke up with Billy Bob Thornton because she refused to have the tattoo saying 100% Domefur removed. Also when the public where wearing the Team Jolie or Team Aniston t-shirts, she was wearing a 'Team Destroya' shirt

K) Heidi Klum. It seems that the bands decision to play their last 2 world tours in Germany only, is paying off. The Teutonic beauties simply throw themselves at Destroya's feet. Klum also admitted that featuring in the Destroya tour program for Berlin increased her profile world wide.

L) Kelly Le Brook. Won thanks to the memories of Weird Science and The Women in Red. Le Brook is 51 years old and wanted to thank the young people of Destroya for voting for her and she wished she had met Marc Virtual Dildo before she married 'that weirdo Steven Seagal'.

Eyes closed. Thinking of Virtual Dildo was the only thing that kept LeBrock going during her marriage to professional cock-head Segal.

M) Kylie Minogue. Her biggest hit was the cover of Monore's Santa Baby. The little Aussie cutie slipped in her own words, "Santa Baby, slip an Ammo under the tree, for me' Classic Destroya obsessed celebrity.

N) Mary Nightingale. The news reader famously said live on air 'its just been confirmed that Destroya's new album, "Welcome to the Weekend of Death" has gone triple platinum. Great news for the world and I for one have just creamed my knickers'.

Nightingale. 'Creamed knickers' live on air.

O) Bree Olson. former porn star who probably won due to her fantastic work with orphaned kittens and nothing to do with her avant gard attitude to sex... honestly. Currently working with Domefur on a film version of Kafka's seminal work The Metamorphosis.

P) Natalie Portman. In Black Swan where she and Mila Kuins have a lesbo munching scene, she admitted it was difficult at first until the director said just pretend it was a Destroya member down there between her thighs not Kunis. She refused to say which band member she fantasied about, but she did say cryptically her mind was at Loftus Road.

Q) Pauline Quirke. Only MVD voted here. Can I repeat, Only Marc Virtual Dildo voted!

Quirke and 2 mates wait for MVD in the hope of a 4 way!

R) Denise Richard. In the film The World is not Enough she plays Dr Christmas Jones. Christmas only comes once a year? Not if she hung out with Destroya.

S) Britany Spears. As if there would be any one else. The Original Destroya babe. Famously shaved her hair off in protest of Ammo Dumps incarceration until it was pointed out he was only in the loo having a very very long dump, and 3 days in the toilet is quite normal for Ammo. Has tattoo's of all the band members on her clitoris.

Britney catches the eye of Ammo Dump. Can't think why.

T) Charlize Theron. Oscar winning actress who once revealed that she didn't feel slutty enough to play a prostitute in Monster, until she spent the night 'In the Crater'. She admitted latter she felt plenty slutty after that.

U) No entry submitted. MVD's Uhura did not count.

V) Sofia Vergara, nominated by Dump and Domefur, this Colombian beauty is best know for her role Modern Family. She openly tells people that in Columbia inhaling the vapour from heroin is not called 'Chasing the dragon', its called 'Chasing The Soakie', as they all want to gain the euphoric state that Soakie achieves. Just drink beer love.

W) Rachel Wiess. Turned down the Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, because co-star Brandon Fraser revealed he preferred the soft rock of Def Leppard to Destroya's thrash metal/ballard style.

X) Zhou Xun . Ammo Dump's choice. Here is Zhou Xun accepting her award as the X in the A-Z of Destroya Mang

Y) Odette Yustman. Odette came to Destroya's attention when she was cast as Father Christmas in the video for 'Parisian street vendor, do you sell Mang?'

Z) Catherine Zeta-Jones. It was her work caring for the elderly that got her the nomination here. Plus the fact the only other Z, MVD's suggestion of celebirty anorexic Lena Zavaroni, passed away in 1999 and does not qualify. Despite this MVD did state he would still prefer Zavaroni, and is not influenced by Zeta-Jones's admission that she is a Spurs fan and prefers Greek men to Italians.

Well thats it till next year. We have already heard that Cheryl Cole 'will do anything' to get in the list in 2012, and June Brown, who plays Dot Cotton in Eastenders has said 'If Quirke can get MVD's nomination then I must have a chance. Especially since I sucked him off at this years TV Soap awards.