Melvin Bragg talks with Ammo Dump

Pictures: (Left to right) Crapper, Toilet (below left) Dump

An exclusive interview between Sir Melvin Bragg and Ammo Dump:

In the Biog of Ammo Dump, his list of heroes is endless, and all carry amusing and very very long anecdotes. The list contains all the names you would expect, Don Revie, Tony Yeboah, Franz Kafka, Dave Brock, Peter Gabriel, Ernesto Guevara and the bloke who invented Krispy Kreme doughnuts. But two of the names on the list will surprise people. John Harrington and Thomas Crapper. Harrington invented the flushing toilet and Crapper refined the idea to enable blokes to have a poo whilst reading in comfort. This became known as multi-tasking, something that ladies still claim men can't do.

BBC 4 have asked Ammo to combine 2 of his favorite things and do a series of documentaries, each 1 hour long and in 27 episodes entitled 'Ammo Dumps'.

Dump explains the premise.

'I regal the audience with tales of travel and visiting famous cities. There will be amusing stories of what I have done in each city and then for the remaining 57 minutes of each programme I take an exceedingly long dump in a toilet of my choice in that city. The camera remains focused on the toilet door with a countdown clock to build the excitement'.

I ask him to let us know his favorite and he goes misty eyed and recalls the loo in the hotel lobby in Amsterdam. 'Ah that was in "Cok City"**. Great hotel. I managed to get to 43 minutes before the band started hammering on the door as they were waiting for me. I have to say that the one of the best hotels was in Leeds on my stag do. '42 The Calls'*. Posh is not the word. They actually employ people to wash your bott bott for you instead of using toilet paper'.

I talk to Ruth, Head of Destroya plc, about how Dumps' excessive toilet time encroaches into his personal life. She explains. 'Sometimes I end up going to bed, and he is in the loo, when the alarm goes off 8 hours later, he is still in there reading 12 year old copies of Private Eye'.

My time with Dump is up and I ask one final question. 'Ammo, your surname, did you change it to match your favorite past time?' 'No' he replies, 'I am the latest in a long line of Dumps that stretch as far back as my ancestor Count Louis Van Dump, third high prince consort of Persia, Now shut up and pass me that copy of the 1972 Beano annual, I have some multi-tasking to do'

Thomas Crapper was not available for comment.

*42 The Calls no longer employ bott bott washers for health and safety reasons

**Cok City is not connected with Cock City, a revue bar down the street.

Last night a rock star saved my life!

by Staff Reporter: Felicity Le Travail de Coup,

Taoism is the collective term used when describing the religious and/or philosophical traditions of Eastern Asia in the last 2000 years. People especially liken it to the Buddhist principals of peace, and many try to liken these principals to modern life. We have had the Tao of Physics, The Tao of Programming and most famously The Tao of Pooh. A new sensation is sweeping the Western World as stressed individuals desperately seek help in controlling their 'runaway' train lives. Welcome to 'The Tao of Soakie Vest'. The three Jewell's of Taoism are, Compassion, Humility and Moderation, and more and more people have realised that the modern Tao Messiah has been here all along. Once recent convert had this to say. 'I have a very stressful job, I employ thousands of people and loads seem to depend of me. I was struggling to cope with the pressure. Then one day my wife Michelle bought me the book 'The Tao of Soakie', and I have not looked back. Stressful days are a thing of the past. Of course I have become addicted to Fosters Lager and I get really pissed off if QPR lose but this is a price worth paying. I often ask What would Soakie Do? That's when I reach for the Fosters'. B. Obama, Washington D.C.

Another convert is Sig. S Berlusconi. 'I have had a little legal trouble lately and the Judge in the last trial said I would face jail unless I started following the Tao of Soakie. Can't quite understand the humility thing but the rest is easy'. Sig. Berlusconi has also invited me to his Villa on the lakes to practice Tantric Bunga Bunga Yoga. He even invited my sister and all of my female friends as well. What a nice man.

Back to America where Mr Obama has worked a plan of sorts to stop world terrorism. 'We plansh to dropsh fowshands of copies of his book all over the miggle easht. I'm on pint 12 of the lovely Foshters beer sho I better let shomebody elsh fly the plane'.

At his Surrey Mansion I ask Soakie what he plans to do with the royalties from his book. 'We have sold nearly 42million copies, with my royalties at 18% that's pretty much the bar bill for the next Destroya get together in the Red Lion, although not if we order Mushroom Sauce.

We all know of his Compassion and Humilty, but I ask him what he thought a good level of Moderation was? '15 pints' was his reply.

Missing Virtual Dildo found at last!! Exclusive

'Angry Cliff, Aged 187' Left. Right. Virtual Dildo with new band.

by staff reporter: Felicity Le Travail de Coup.

The continued absence of Marc Virtual Dildo from the Big Pop Quiz team can finally be explained. I can exclusively reveal he has been 'Moon lighting' with another band. He has been fronting a tribute band called 'Spliff Rich Hard' who play songs by the all time King of Rock 'n' Roll, Cliff Richard.

Cliff commented 'Bastard! I fucking knew that wanker Virtual Dildo loved me. He pretends not to, but I have seen the photo of him wearing the 'I love Cliff' t-shirt. With this new evidence try telling me the 'Uncle Necrophilia' is not a rip off of 'Wired for sound'.

I approached the band for a response.

Soakie Vest said' 'Look, if you are not going to take me down the the pub then piss off'. He then ran off down the street wearing nothing but a smile and a 1994 QPR away shirt.

Scud Crater was away 'delivering tea' in Hamburg. Ammo Dump was unavailable as he was already getting into character for a theme party he is hosting for the clinically shy and Nicky Domefur was busy trying to force Ian McCulloch to officially drop the 'THE' from the The Killing Moon. (leave it Domefur, just leave it).

Virtual Dildo's legal representative responded with a warning that any reference to MVD performing Cliff Richard songs will result in serious legal action and no Christmas card this year.