Matt Johnson: 'I don't know why Virtual Dildo hates me

Matt Johnson, lead singer of 80's alternative band 'The The' has admitted today that he is baffled by the 'hate campaign' by Marc Virtual Dildo. Johnson says 'We were just not that big. Every time he announces a new Destroya competition he always stipulates that the word 'the' is not allowed'.

The band who never actually managed a top 10 hit, but had several hits that charted between 35 and 100, admitted that despite this snub by Dildo they remain devoted Destroya fans and point to the fact the Johnny Marr once played for them as proof that they are a serious band. Johnson looks down at the membership card for the Clapham branch of the 'followers of Dr Love' and let's out a little cry of pain.

We confronted MVD about this and he said 'look, I checked with Domefur, Dump and Soakie, who know about that music stuff and they all agreed that The The were shit and not to worry myself about it.... So I won't'. Johnny Marr said 'they are shit! I was pissed and they recorded me taking a dmp and put it on a track so they could say 'oh look, Johnny Marr was on this track. We are serious musicians'. They are not fit to wipe the penis of the legioned that is Marc Virtual Dildo'.

Dr Love to fly solo

Its true, Marc Virtual Dildo is to release a solo album. Fans of Dildo, collectively called ‘the Friends of Dr Love’ have crashed the Culture of Destroya website looking for any information on the prospective release.

We can exclusively reveal that the album will be called ‘Tantric Tug’. Apart from title track, we know that other tracks are called ‘Angry Sex’, ‘American Pop Quizz = Rubbish’, ‘Tea Bagging’ and the 12 minute long track ‘Client, Customer, Colleague’.

Silvio Berlusconi and Sting have both reacted excitedly to the possibility that MVD will publicise tantric activities. Berlusconi said ‘Oh sì. Dildo virtuale del Marc di ringraziamenti. Ora tutte le ragazze 18yrs sapranno della gioia del sesso Tantric di Bunga Bunga!**

Sting said something irrelevant.

Silvio. Wants a duet with Virtual Dildo.

Simon Cowel has put panicked calls into Dismemberment Records in the fear that the release will stall sales of the X-Factor winners first single. It is unclear if MVD will release a single but we do know that Destroya plan to release a Christmas single entitled ‘Christmas dinner but no mushroom sauce’. Not so much a celebration song but more of a protest against corporate greed and trying to take advantage of the nations love of mushroom based condiments.

** for the non Italian speaker we have translated Berlusconi's comments: `Oh yes. Virtual Dildo of the Marc of thankses. Now all the girls 18yrs will know of the joy of the sex Tantric di Bunga Bunga!'

Exclusive T-Shirt range from Nicky Domefur

Nicky Domefur has released what he hopes will be the first in a range of exclusive t-shirts. Gok Wan, well know celebrity shirt lifter fashion bloke said 'I think its brilliant. It makes a statement. Its casual, you could wear it to the pub then pop on some pearls and your ready for formal wear.

Nicky had a slightly different reason. 'Its just sometimes when I have had a bottle of Jagermiester, I find talking difficult. The shirts are simply helpful statements to get me through till morning when my nurse arrives. Future shirts will include 'Large Donner with chili sauce/ salad.' 'Can I sleep in your bush" and 'Do you sell mang?'.

Available in Sizes L/XL/XXL and Fucking Huge

Ammo admitted that as Editor of the Destroya Sports TV show, it may have been a mistake to put Domefur in charge of captions. It seems Nicky has never forgiven America for crap beer, the Twilight films and Madonna.

Domefur lets himself go!

Domefur agreed with Ammo that winning the Unlimited Febo prize at the Thorpe Village Christmas raffle had meant he had put on a few pounds.

Nicky Domefur. Not looking so hot!

Man of the people, Virtual Dildo, helps out his fans.

Marc Virtual Dildo is always a man with his finger on the clitoris of public opinion. When the Walsall branch of 'The Dr Love Foundation' came down to Surrey, MVD knew that being in a place with both electricity and running water might prove confusing for them. So to help them find him at the Staines Regis meeting room he had hired for the 3 hour seminar on Perineum Massage, he put some subtle signage up to help guide them through the complex Crooked Billet roundabout.

Where is Marc Virtual Dildo?

Destroya Transport

Following on from the successful launch of the Destroya car, designed by Ammo Dump, Soakie Vest has submitted the plans for the new Destroya plane. Powered entirely by burp gas the new plane can fly from Thorpe Village to Rome on a long burp. The House of Commons have already put an order in for one of the planes for the Prime Minister to use. A spokesman said 'its perfect for Cameron as he is full of hot air'.

Dismemberment TV

Sky have agreed that Welsh leg of the new Dismemberment TV show was not working. The locals just couldn't understand the instructions!

8th October 2011.

For Immediate release:

Sky Arts is delighted to announce a multimillion pound sponsorship deal for Destroya to re-create one the most famous albums in rock history 'Band on the run' by Paul McCartney and Wings.

Marc Virtual Dildo who is leading the initiative commented 'Obviously we shall not be actually doing any of the music from the album. Whilst we are we more talented musicians then Wings or McCartney, we simply don't want to pay McCartney any royalties. Instead the album will Destroyafied"

Marc Virtual Dildo "I refuse to pay for McCartney's next divorce"

As the only member of Destroya who can actually play an instrument, Soakie Vest has been working on the track list. 'Obviously Ammo usually writes the songs.... well the song titles, but I have decided to stick close to the original titles and just link them to some of the world tours we have been on. Some great memories, so I am told. Can't usually remember to much about them if I'm honest'. The Provisional track list is as follows:

Side 1)

1) 'Clems got the runs'

2) Jizz

3) Blue Bird.. dancing on the stage at the Club Teatrino (its cold in there)

4) Mrs Miggins

5) Let me roll it, smoke it, FREAK OUT.... Chalky Choices II

Side 2

6) Mam/Manunia. You've chosen to mutilate your self. Your still a bloke to me!

7) No Words, Geppetto just plays the music.

8) Stelios's Wheels and Wings and everything is £1.50 surcharge.

9) Picasso's last words (I'm going to drink Destroya under the table')

10) Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five Francs. For a pint. F*ck you Paris!

Soakie Vest. 'I write the songs that make the whole world sing'

In charge of recreating the cover, Scud Crater has decided to hold a raffle for all the stars who want to join in. 'There are nine people on the original cover. So with the five of us, plus Chewbabba and of course Ruth, Head of Destroya plc/corporation, leaves only 2 places available. Kylie has already said yes but Virtual Dildo has said 'no, she can f*ck right off". Also, despite Ammo's protests, there will be no Spears. We want the real 'A' Lister's. Hopefully Mrs Vest can persuade her best friend Chesney Hawksneyface to come. Now that's a real rock legend, and Domefur insists that Angelina Jolie owes him a favour. So much mang wants to do it I have decided to raffle the 2 places off. £1,100 per ticket, or £5,000 for a strip. All monies going to the feed the Spanish donkeys charity'.

Scud Crater. Willing to strip in public for £5,000.

The project should be completed in time for the new Destroya world tour that takes place in London in the summer of 2012. SkyArts will be filming it for future broadcast. Zhou Xun has been told not to book flight as nobody but Ammo knows who she is.

The Offical Destroya A - Z of Mang

By Brian Sewell

He's our Art Crtic... really

Sunday 11th September 2011

When the Destroya boy's meet up at the 3 Michelin star restaurant they had built at the Red Lion, the conversation always comes round to art in one form or another. Sadly a late call up to the Italian world cup rugby team prevented Marc Virtual Dildo from attending. But thanks to modern technology he joined in the conversation via the interweb.

The world needed to know who where the ladies who would make the definitive A-Z of mang. Modeling contracts, film roles, endorsements could be worth 5 or 6 times as much to any lucky lady who is on the list. It also showed that the band members don't always go for obvious and I believe their choices show a remarkable understanding of the female form. Would 'birds of a feather flock together' or would predictability win through.

A) Jessica Alba. An obvious choice although one of the original Destroya Babes Anatasia was also nominated

B) Kelly Brook. Once seen wearing a 'Dismember Me Softly' t-shirt.

C) Abbey Clancy. A favorite of the band ever since she revealed in an interview that when she and husband Peter Croach make love she makes him wear a Chewbabba mask.

D) Kirstin Dunst. Despite some strong challengers it was the Destroya tattoo on her arse cheek that got her the nod. It was also noted that she has a small birth mark on her inner thigh that resembles Ammo Dump.

Dunst. Has a image of Ammo Dump near her vag!

E) Erika Eleniak, won her place simply for the movie moment of jumping out of a cake, wearing only a black thong in Under Siege and defiantly not for Celebrity Fit Club, when she was flabby and not fit at all.

F) Megan Fox, Dirty little routny. Lists the Scud Crater branded KY jelly as her favourite product.

G) Kirsty Gallacher. Lives near the band on the Wentworth council estate and often comes down to the Red Lion to sniff the chairs hoping to get a wiff of Crater.

Gallacher, wants world peace and a sniff of Craters crater.

H) Liz Hurley. Controversial one here. 92 year old Liz seems to have been chosen thanks to her Oscar winning roles in Austin Powers and Bedazzled.

I) Natalie Imbruglia. The cries for Natalie where led by Soakie Vest who fondly remembers delivering tea to her. She still wears her QPR negligee every night.

Imbruglia, Obsessed with Soakie Vest.

J) Angelina Jolie. Famously broke up with Billy Bob Thornton because she refused to have the tattoo saying 100% Domefur removed. Also when the public where wearing the Team Jolie or Team Aniston t-shirts, she was wearing a 'Team Destroya' shirt

K) Heidi Klum. It seems that the bands decision to play their last 2 world tours in Germany only, is paying off. The Teutonic beauties simply throw themselves at Destroya's feet. Klum also admitted that featuring in the Destroya tour program for Berlin increased her profile world wide.

L) Kelly Le Brook. Won thanks to the memories of Weird Science and The Women in Red. Le Brook is 51 years old and wanted to thank the young people of Destroya for voting for her and she wished she had met Marc Virtual Dildo before she married 'that weirdo Steven Seagal'.

Eyes closed. Thinking of Virtual Dildo was the only thing that kept LeBrock going during her marriage to professional cock-head Segal.

M) Kylie Minogue. Her biggest hit was the cover of Monore's Santa Baby. The little Aussie cutie slipped in her own words, "Santa Baby, slip an Ammo under the tree, for me' Classic Destroya obsessed celebrity.

N) Mary Nightingale. The news reader famously said live on air 'its just been confirmed that Destroya's new album, "Welcome to the Weekend of Death" has gone triple platinum. Great news for the world and I for one have just creamed my knickers'.

Nightingale. 'Creamed knickers' live on air.

O) Bree Olson. former porn star who probably won due to her fantastic work with orphaned kittens and nothing to do with her avant gard attitude to sex... honestly. Currently working with Domefur on a film version of Kafka's seminal work The Metamorphosis.

P) Natalie Portman. In Black Swan where she and Mila Kuins have a lesbo munching scene, she admitted it was difficult at first until the director said just pretend it was a Destroya member down there between her thighs not Kunis. She refused to say which band member she fantasied about, but she did say cryptically her mind was at Loftus Road.

Q) Pauline Quirke. Only MVD voted here. Can I repeat, Only Marc Virtual Dildo voted!

Quirke and 2 mates wait for MVD in the hope of a 4 way!

R) Denise Richard. In the film The World is not Enough she plays Dr Christmas Jones. Christmas only comes once a year? Not if she hung out with Destroya.

S) Britany Spears. As if there would be any one else. The Original Destroya babe. Famously shaved her hair off in protest of Ammo Dumps incarceration until it was pointed out he was only in the loo having a very very long dump, and 3 days in the toilet is quite normal for Ammo. Has tattoo's of all the band members on her clitoris.

Britney catches the eye of Ammo Dump. Can't think why.

T) Charlize Theron. Oscar winning actress who once revealed that she didn't feel slutty enough to play a prostitute in Monster, until she spent the night 'In the Crater'. She admitted latter she felt plenty slutty after that.

U) No entry submitted. MVD's Uhura did not count.

V) Sofia Vergara, nominated by Dump and Domefur, this Colombian beauty is best know for her role Modern Family. She openly tells people that in Columbia inhaling the vapour from heroin is not called 'Chasing the dragon', its called 'Chasing The Soakie', as they all want to gain the euphoric state that Soakie achieves. Just drink beer love.

W) Rachel Wiess. Turned down the Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, because co-star Brandon Fraser revealed he preferred the soft rock of Def Leppard to Destroya's thrash metal/ballard style.

X) Zhou Xun . Ammo Dump's choice. Here is Zhou Xun accepting her award as the X in the A-Z of Destroya Mang

Y) Odette Yustman. Odette came to Destroya's attention when she was cast as Father Christmas in the video for 'Parisian street vendor, do you sell Mang?'

Z) Catherine Zeta-Jones. It was her work caring for the elderly that got her the nomination here. Plus the fact the only other Z, MVD's suggestion of celebirty anorexic Lena Zavaroni, passed away in 1999 and does not qualify. Despite this MVD did state he would still prefer Zavaroni, and is not influenced by Zeta-Jones's admission that she is a Spurs fan and prefers Greek men to Italians.

Well thats it till next year. We have already heard that Cheryl Cole 'will do anything' to get in the list in 2012, and June Brown, who plays Dot Cotton in Eastenders has said 'If Quirke can get MVD's nomination then I must have a chance. Especially since I sucked him off at this years TV Soap awards.

The new Medical centre at Thorpe Village is nearing completion and is a first for the NHS. Sponsored and built entirely by the grateful members of rock super group Destroya as a thank you the villagers for putting up with the thousands of fans who make the pilgrimage every year to the musical centre of the Destroya Universe. Marc Virtual Dildo said 'I have personally helped with the design of the centre. Not many people know this but I am a slightly qualified doctor. So I put on my old Dr Love hat and helped design the family planning section of the centre. I am very proud".

Tuesday 30th August 2011

WHO'S BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY!

Part time Destroya member, Chewbabba, has always denied having an affair with Simon Cowell's pet Cheryl Cole. Rumours that her dropping out of American X-Factor due to pregnancy have been denied. However she has been seen fitting a baby seat into the back of her Mini Metro and this snap of her bundle of joy might suggest that Chewbabba may have a few questions to answer. Cowell said 'If that thing has de-flowered my innocent little Geordie princess than I'm suing'!

Like Father like son?

Cars of the Stars

From: Lady Paste PR

To: Ruth, Head of Destroya Corporation

Ruth, as we discussed I have now secured a deal with the Economist to run a weekly competition about Destroya in 5 editions. The plan is to heighten the bands profile with the affluent ABC1's who will be the target audience of the new 'Destroya Opus'. As the cover price is £1,500 a copy.

I was thinking each weeks prize could be a personal item from each band member. The prize line is £12.54 per text or £7.12 per minute to call. Proceeds split as follows: 89% to Destroya Corp. 7% to the economist, 3% to the phone company and 1% to the 'Feed to Spanish donkeys' charity

My Suggestions for prizes are as follows:

Week 1 ) The match program from Manchester Utd where Soakie pretended to want to buy the club, went out on the pitch to do a bit of ball juggling and instead pooed on the centre circle.

Week 2) A copy of the video of MVD's 'This Is Your Life' episode, but the one which includes the deleted scene where Michael Aspel brings on Cliff Richard and MVD beats him to a bloody pulp!

Week 3) The letter that Ian McCulloch wrote confirming that "The Killing Moon' was actually called 'Killing Moon' and also a copy of the arrest warrant issued by Mersyside Police for Nicky kidnapping McCulloch and forcing him to write it.

Week 4) A chance for attractive female readers to have Scud Crater do a personal 1 on 1 (or should that be 1 in 1) dismemberment dance. If the winner is not attractive enough a substitute prize of a family bucket of Venky's chicken will be offered instead.

Week 5) A copy of the book 'Leeds, my part in their downfall and inevitable rise back to world domination', signed by the authors, Ammo Dump, Alan Smith and Kerry Katona.

Here is the copy for the comp, if you can run it past the boys.

Week 1

Which Band Member owns this car?

A) Barrack Obama

B) David Cameron

C) Soakie Vest

Week 2

Which band member owns this car?

A) Cliff Richard

B) Marc Virtual Dildo

C) Mary Whitehouse

Week 3

Which band member owns this car?

A) Elvis Presley

B) Eric the fat bloke

C) Nicky Domefur

Week 4

who owns this Truck?

A) Scud Crater

B) Spaghetti

C) Paris

Week 5

You must know what to do by now

A) Homer Simpson

B) Ammo Dump

C) Oh I give up, seriously, last week 32 people got it wrong!!

October 2011

EXCLUSIVE!

First look. The new Destroya super car has been unveiled. Manufactured in a partnership between Ferrari and Proton, the car is rumored to be available from 2012 with advance orders now being taken. Designed by Ammo Dump the roadster has a claimed top speed of 148mph with an fuel consumption of 86mpg. Dump explains 'The core fuel cell is actually a human waste/methane gas propulsion system. I goes like shit of a shovel'

The Houses of Parliament have already ordered 6 of the new models in an cost cutting drive. A government spokesperson said 'its ideal for us. MP's are full of shit'

Take a look at our exclusive picture and let us know what you think.

I predict a riot!

Comment by staff reporter Felicity Le Travail de Coup

The disgraceful scenes in Tottenham, as we know, led to copy cat rioting in other areas of the UK, although it was not in protest, these other 'riots' seem to be people going on a mass looting spree. Many stories have emerged of shops loosing there entire stock, but even more shocking is that organised gangs targeted the homes of the members of rock super group Destroya.

The following images have been released by the police urgently needing to identify these vicious criminals.

Acting Chief Inspector Clunge, of New Scotland Yard commented 'we would all like a bit of Destroya, but these idiots should know that any disruption the calm balanced lives of Destroya could put into doubt the plans for the forthcoming album and tour.* Don't they know how difficult it is to get the band members into the same room together. The hope that a new album will be here soon is all that a lot of us have to live for'!

Please look at the images below and if you know these people contact the police or take matters into your own hands and seek retribution.

This lady seen sneaking away from Ammo

Dumps House.

This lady munching her way through

Scud Craters supply of minted lamb burgers

This dog seen leaving MVD's penthouse with

the original and priceless virtual dildo.

This man leaving Nicky Domefur's house

with his BBQ recipe book

How about this man seen leaving Soakie Vests

Mansion with Soakie's lucky pants that used

to belong to Les Ferdinand.

If you have any information about these terrible, terrible people, call crime stoppers on 0845 69696969.

* the new destroya album and tour may take place sometime between now and 2014. (it won't be in Paris so don't get your hopes up Frenchies. You had your chance and you blew it...... for 3 times more then you said it cost).

From Johannsons Press Clipping Service

To Ruth. M.D. Destroya Corporation

11/7/11

Ruth, Only one mention of Destroya in the final edition of NOTW. They do want to talk about the licensing deal to replace it with Destroya on Sunday, a tabloid with tits, scandal, sport, tits and poetry.

From NOTW

Final Edition 10/7/11

Fun Spot:

'Derek Pilkington from Manchester got into to trouble with the Law... and his wife when he misunderstood the instructions to do the 'Destroya Dismemberment Dance'. 'It says quiet clearly wear the pussy on your head' said the bemused idiot. A spokeswomen for Destroya plc said 'Mr Pilkington is quite clearly a Pratt!'

Pilkington.. Pratt

Memo

From Chief Inspector Kevin Gusset

To PM

July 13th 2009

Dear PM, Further to your request I have had our officers look into the notes of Glen Mulcaire and can confirm there does indeed seem to have been some hacking of the Destroya mobile phones. It seems the main target was Scud Crater. Transcript of the intercepted messages as follows:

Message 1) Mr Crater, its Barry at Top Hat Dry Cleaning. Mate I put the trousers through 3 times. That stain aint coming out!

Message 2) Scud, Its Ammo. I have a great idea for a new song about the political unrest in South East Asia. Its called 'shall I flick your greasy marble with the tip of my tongue Mrs Wong'. I have no words or indeed music for it but the title is a winner'.

Message 3) Scud, its Nicky. I am at the Wimpy. Do you want a bender in a bun as well as the Wimpy half pounder? Hang on a second... (talking to another person) of course I want diet cokes you prick. Do I look like a fucking rugby player... Sorry Scud, the Benders are off. Back in about 10minutes'.

Message 4) Mr Crater, its Brian Wiglesworth from Peppermint Hippos' in Slough. Thanks for visiting last night. Your custom is always welcome. Umm, our dancers. We appear to have several missing. I was wondering in you know what happened to them?

Message 5) Scud Baby, its Chantelle from Peppermint Hippos'. Thanks for last night. You were right. The liberal use of KY jelly did make being worn like a hat a lot less painful this time. My Diaphragm is still hanging down by my knees though.

Message 6) Scud, Its Soakie. A more nuanced version of the view we discussed yesterday adds some financial accelerators, or perhaps we should now call them decelerators. We obviously had a series of bank runs in mid-September, but not just by small depositors and not just on banks. We also had a situation where falling values for collateral triggered more asset sales (either for accounting reasons or due to market pressure of various kinds), and this led to further lowering of collateral..... These are my opening remarks for the IMF Christmas Party. Should I go with this or tell the joke about Katie Price's kid and chromosomes that MVD told us?

Message 7) Scud, Its Lydia. You have not licked my Juicy Burger for ages. When are you coming down to the Red Lion again?

Message 8) Scud its Ammo, got another one. Its a mixed metaphor type thing for Joe Orton and modern society reliance on reality tv type stuff. Its called 'Put down the hammer Geri Halliwell, Edna Wellthorpes coming for ya!' Again I don't have any lyrics or music but the titles a start.

Message 9) Scud, Its Marc. Got this great website for you. its www.x9nww92t5hblkb*%2@±±§§=;;.com. Its brilliant. Its much better than www.[oivc50187hiub:;)) kjpijab[pij @£!£&(^%$&)```~~~"?LM<.com.

Message 10) Mr Crater sir, Its Adul from Egham Tandoori. Just to let you know your order comes to £1,269.32 and will be with you within 20 minutes or you get the Poppadoms on us. Thank you come again.

For the sake of the nation the NOTW has agreed not to publish any of the above.

Yours

Kevin Gussett

Melvin Bragg talks with Ammo Dump

Pictures: (Left to right) Crapper, Toilet (below left) Dump

An exclusive interview between Sir Melvin Bragg and Ammo Dump:

In the Biog of Ammo Dump, his list of heroes is endless, and all carry amusing and very very long anecdotes. The list contains all the names you would expect, Don Revie, Tony Yeboah, Franz Kafka, Dave Brock, Peter Gabriel, Ernesto Guevara and the bloke who invented Krispy Kreme doughnuts. But two of the names on the list will surprise people. John Harrington and Thomas Crapper. Harrington invented the flushing toilet and Crapper refined the idea to enable blokes to have a poo whilst reading in comfort. This became known as multi-tasking, something that ladies still claim men can't do.

BBC 4 have asked Ammo to combine 2 of his favorite things and do a series of documentaries, each 1 hour long and in 27 episodes entitled 'Ammo Dumps'.

Dump explains the premise.

'I regal the audience with tales of travel and visiting famous cities. There will be amusing stories of what I have done in each city and then for the remaining 57 minutes of each programme I take an exceedingly long dump in a toilet of my choice in that city. The camera remains focused on the toilet door with a countdown clock to build the excitement'.

I ask him to let us know his favorite and he goes misty eyed and recalls the loo in the hotel lobby in Amsterdam. 'Ah that was in "Cok City"**. Great hotel. I managed to get to 43 minutes before the band started hammering on the door as they were waiting for me. I have to say that the one of the best hotels was in Leeds on my stag do. '42 The Calls'*. Posh is not the word. They actually employ people to wash your bott bott for you instead of using toilet paper'.

I talk to Ruth, Head of Destroya plc, about how Dumps' excessive toilet time encroaches into his personal life. She explains. 'Sometimes I end up going to bed, and he is in the loo, when the alarm goes off 8 hours later, he is still in there reading 12 year old copies of Private Eye'.

My time with Dump is up and I ask one final question. 'Ammo, your surname, did you change it to match your favorite past time?' 'No' he replies, 'I am the latest in a long line of Dumps that stretch as far back as my ancestor Count Louis Van Dump, third high prince consort of Persia, Now shut up and pass me that copy of the 1972 Beano annual, I have some multi-tasking to do'

Thomas Crapper was not available for comment.

*42 The Calls no longer employ bott bott washers for health and safety reasons

**Cok City is not connected with Cock City, a revue bar down the street.

Last night a rock star saved my life!

by Staff Reporter: Felicity Le Travail de Coup,

Taoism is the collective term used when describing the religious and/or philosophical traditions of Eastern Asia in the last 2000 years. People especially liken it to the Buddhist principals of peace, and many try to liken these principals to modern life. We have had the Tao of Physics, The Tao of Programming and most famously The Tao of Pooh. A new sensation is sweeping the Western World as stressed individuals desperately seek help in controlling their 'runaway' train lives. Welcome to 'The Tao of Soakie Vest'. The three Jewell's of Taoism are, Compassion, Humility and Moderation, and more and more people have realised that the modern Tao Messiah has been here all along. Once recent convert had this to say. 'I have a very stressful job, I employ thousands of people and loads seem to depend of me. I was struggling to cope with the pressure. Then one day my wife Michelle bought me the book 'The Tao of Soakie', and I have not looked back. Stressful days are a thing of the past. Of course I have become addicted to Fosters Lager and I get really pissed off if QPR lose but this is a price worth paying. I often ask What would Soakie Do? That's when I reach for the Fosters'. B. Obama, Washington D.C.

Another convert is Sig. S Berlusconi. 'I have had a little legal trouble lately and the Judge in the last trial said I would face jail unless I started following the Tao of Soakie. Can't quite understand the humility thing but the rest is easy'. Sig. Berlusconi has also invited me to his Villa on the lakes to practice Tantric Bunga Bunga Yoga. He even invited my sister and all of my female friends as well. What a nice man.

Back to America where Mr Obama has worked a plan of sorts to stop world terrorism. 'We plansh to dropsh fowshands of copies of his book all over the miggle easht. I'm on pint 12 of the lovely Foshters beer sho I better let shomebody elsh fly the plane'.

At his Surrey Mansion I ask Soakie what he plans to do with the royalties from his book. 'We have sold nearly 42million copies, with my royalties at 18% that's pretty much the bar bill for the next Destroya get together in the Red Lion, although not if we order Mushroom Sauce.

We all know of his Compassion and Humilty, but I ask him what he thought a good level of Moderation was? '15 pints' was his reply.

Missing Virtual Dildo found at last!! Exclusive

'Angry Cliff, Aged 187' Left. Right. Virtual Dildo with new band.

by staff reporter: Felicity Le Travail de Coup.

The continued absence of Marc Virtual Dildo from the Big Pop Quiz team can finally be explained. I can exclusively reveal he has been 'Moon lighting' with another band. He has been fronting a tribute band called 'Spliff Rich Hard' who play songs by the all time King of Rock 'n' Roll, Cliff Richard.

Cliff commented 'Bastard! I fucking knew that wanker Virtual Dildo loved me. He pretends not to, but I have seen the photo of him wearing the 'I love Cliff' t-shirt. With this new evidence try telling me the 'Uncle Necrophilia' is not a rip off of 'Wired for sound'.

I approached the band for a response.

Soakie Vest said' 'Look, if you are not going to take me down the the pub then piss off'. He then ran off down the street wearing nothing but a smile and a 1994 QPR away shirt.

Scud Crater was away 'delivering tea' in Hamburg. Ammo Dump was unavailable as he was already getting into character for a theme party he is hosting for the clinically shy and Nicky Domefur was busy trying to force Ian McCulloch to officially drop the 'THE' from the The Killing Moon. (leave it Domefur, just leave it).

Virtual Dildo's legal representative responded with a warning that any reference to MVD performing Cliff Richard songs will result in serious legal action and no Christmas card this year.

27th March 2011. Staines Town Hall. Destroya take part in the 'Big Pop Quiz 2". Is it all for charity, or just glory..... It’s just for glory. As with the previous 'Big Pop Quiz 1' Marc Virtual Dildo was not available so the Destroya boys went for the next best thing, Gian Virtual Dildo. In the Big Quiz 1, the other teams were blown away by the phallic sexiness of the rock/pop knowledge of Destroya. In the Big Quiz 2 the Destroya team were missing the expert Duran Duran knowledge of Ruth, long suffering head of Destroya plc, but even down to 5, Destroya were still too good for the opposition. Despite the best efforts of the quiz 'host', Mark Pedantic, who seemingly was desperate for his relatives to win. (Amazingly he had the brass bollocks to slip his Brother in Law, a big cash prize during the quiz), he even told the shocked contestants that Ammo Dump's answer of who was the lead singer of 'The Bangles' was not correct. Dump did well not to go up on stage and smack Mark Pedantic round the head with a haddock. It all worked out in the end, but in a final 'up yours' to the Destroya team Pedantic decided that no trophy would be awarded to the winning team.

Several things have come to light since the quiz. Mark Pedantic is a big fan of long time Destroya rivals 'Destroy Her', and Susanna Hoffs is suing Pedantic for miss-representation. Roll on the next quiz.