Destroya’s Album Wall of Fame
As we all know ‘Welcome to the weekend of death’ is the
number 1 greatest album of all time as voted for by Rolling Stone magazine,
NME, Radio 6, Xfm, Good Housekeeping and of course Jugs magazine. But what albums
do the Destroya boys like to listen to? What would be the three favourite albums for
each band member?
Firstly we asked Marc Virtual Dildo. His response was
classic Dildo. ‘Oh no. It can’t be that
easy. You need rules otherwise Domefur
will blissfully contemplate his choices and come back with three cracking
answers involving obscure punk bands from the 80’s. We have to choose three but
they must all be from different musical genres.’
So we worked out the genres and laid down the plans in front
of MVD. ‘No no no. You got this all wrong. Rock, Punk, Indie, Metal, Classic
Rock, slash metal, thrash metal, new wave, soft rock and Prog Rock are all easily
recognised genres, but I need to both confuse and piss off Domefur. If I am allowing titles beginning with ‘The’,
I have to insist on some bewildering and confusing rules. Remember without
rules we would all be French’.
So Rock encompassed pretty much all musical genres that
Domefur listened to. The other choices where Pop, Classical, Country and
Western and blue grass. So once Marc ‘Dark Lord, Rule Nazi’ Virtual Dildo had finished
fannying around. We were ready to begin. We asked each member to give a brief
synopsis of why each album meant so much to them.
Ladies and Gentlemen, as decided over burgers and beer in
the Red Lion Recording Studio, let us present to you the Destroya Album Wall of
Fame. (The Hyperlinks in blue under each album title is a video of a song from said album).
Album #1 Asia by Asia. As chosen by Soakie Vest
A favourite in the Soakie Vest household. It’s also the album
that inspired Vest to open a chain of Asian Fusion restaurants in the late 1990’s
called ‘Soakie Vest’s house of mild chilli dishes’. The Album was released in
1982 to mixed reviews but it did stay at the top of the US billboard charts for
9 weeks and the band are hailed as leaders of the Rock/synth/perm acts from
that time.
As for Vest and the now defunct eateries he explains. ‘It
all started to go wrong when I insisted on having ‘Heat of the moment’ playing
on a loop in the kitchens. The chefs kept
walking out. Also the waiting staff hated having to sing ‘Here comes the
feeling’ when carrying the food out to the customers. Eventually with no staff and
no customers, I sat all alone in the last restaurant in Pease Pottage in
Sussex, drinking beer and singing ‘Without You’ and ‘Sole Survivor’. It seemed
like the right time to close it all down.
Album # 2. Blonde on Blonde by Bob Dylan. As chosen by Ammo
Dump
It is a well-known fact that without Ammo Dump, there would
be no Bob Dylan. It’s 1966 and struggling Singer Song writer Bob is looking for
new inspiration have only released 6 albums in the previous 4 years. The guy
had serious writers block. Desperate for cash he took a job as a clown
performing at children’s parties and then in early ’66 he went to the home of a
young Ammo Dump for a 1 and half hour booking of face painting, juggling and pinning
the tail on the donkey. When he got
there the rather serious 4 year old took him to one side and said ‘Listen Bob,
when I need inspiration, I don’t dick about in the desert smoking pot and
talking to animals. No I go straight to the bog with a copy of Mary Berry’s
cake cook book. She might be 31 but she’s hot.
And she is blonde. I love
blondes. When I grow up I hope I marry
one. Now bugger off and don’t release your next album until its ready’. Sure
enough less than 3 weeks later, Dylan released Blonde on Blonde.
Album # 3. Thriller by Michael Jackson. As chosen by Scud
Crater.
So why did Scud choose this album? ‘Simple really. I
inspired most of it. It was the summer
of 1981 and I bumped into Quincy Jones who was buying a pogo stick from the toy
department in the Daniel of Windsor store.
‘Hey Kid’ he asks, ‘Do you think a 24 yr. old with the mental age of a 9
yr. old would like this?’ ‘I have no idea’ says I ‘but as a young child can you, as a responsible grown up, might I ask you
to help me. I have written some songs but don’t know what sort of tunes the
words should be put to. I was thinking a soul base, but with disco over tones
and the occasional use of rock guitar that would appeal to white middle class Americans.
What do you think?’ ‘Let me take a look and I’ll get back to you’ said
Jones.
My songs where titled ‘Want to be shafting something’, ‘Lamb
burger be mine’, ‘The kebab is mine’ (Possible duet with John Lennon), ‘chill R’, ‘Eat it’, and ‘Willie Jeans’. To this day Jones has never got back to me or
answered the letters of my solicitors.
Album # 4. Plastic Surgery Disasters by The Dead Kennedys.
As chosen by Nicky Domefur
This 1982 album by popular beat combo from the west coast of
America. Four very angry young men from California
inspired one angry young boy from Middlesex. ‘Is this true Domefur, you where
an angry boy when this album came out?’ ‘Angry.
I was livid. 1982 was a dark period in the charts. My first band, The Spastic Aardvarks,
had split up, having recorded no songs, or indeed not having written any songs
and I felt at the age of 14, I was already on the musical scrap heap. I really needed like-minded people to help me
write great song titles, write great music and play our instruments superbly.
15 years later I would meet Ammo Dump and we do write great song titles so 1
out 3 isn’t bad’.
Album # 5. The Specials by The Specials. As chosen by Marc
Virtual Dildo.
The late seventies and Britain has already witnessed the
youth of day rebelling with the birth of the punk scene. Then disenfranchised people who didn’t want
to stick pins through their lips and dye their hair green found a new voice in
the form of ‘Ska’. Why did MVD chose Ska over Punk? ‘Easy. How many beautiful girls do you see
with tattooed, pierced Mohawk wearing shouty boy? Not many. But ska you not only get the music
with a soul base to it, you also get to wear ‘tonic’ suits. The ladies loved my tonic suits, very
Goodfellas’.
According to MVD’s brother, Gian(t) Virtual Dildo, when The
Specials album came out, MVD spent more time listening to ‘Rock n Roll Juvenile’.
Album # 6. The Lexicon of love by ABC. As chosen by Soakie Vest
ABC -
Look of Love live 
Album 6 and the 4th album chosen by the band that
was released in 1982. It is a little
known fact that Marc Virtual Dildo is a certified Lexicon of Love and has
reached 4th Dan black belt in Lexiconism. This is not why Soakie chose this album though. You see it reminds Soakie of the time he was a
ball boy at Loftus Road. It was the heady days of plastic pitches and a sun
tanned Terry Venables saw young Soakie just before half time in a match against
Bolton in May. Venables takes up the story. ‘I turned
around and there was this fresh faced ball boy. He says to me ‘’I love football
Mr Venables but I love music as well’’. So I says to him ‘listen son. At half
time I’m going to sing my team talk in a Rat Pack stylie. Do you fancy coming into the dressing and
listen. Ian Gillard and big Bob Hazel are my backing singers. The cheeky scamp tells me I'd be better off signing a song from The Lexicon of Love as my vocal range is similar to Martin Fry’. Venables continues 'In the end my team talk was just a
rendition of The Look of Love. Peter Hucker and Gary Micklewhite cried their
fucking eyes out. We went back out and
thumped Bolton 7-1. Cheers Soakie’.
Album # 7.The Wall by Pink Floyd. As chosen by Scud Crater.
Scud, its turns out, did not spend his time boarding school
tripping out to ‘The Wall’. We had
visions of him walking around Surrey and Berkshire with his Walkman blaring out
‘Good Bye Blue Skies’ whilst puffing on the new herbal cigarettes he had
discovered. Scud dismisses this and
tells us the real reason why this album is in his top three. ‘Look it’s as simple as this. Firstly no body
walked around with a Walkman. They
weighed 9 lbs. each. Secondly at my school every Friday at 6.30pm the bell
would sound for the Upper House boys to play the digestive game. If I wanted
gravy on my biscuit it would be supplied by Bisto and not by Spotty Jenkins
from 4D. So to drown out the 6.30 bell, I spent my entire life at
school with Gilmore playing in my ears’.
Album # 8. Meat is Murder by The Smiths. As chosen by Nicky
Domefur
Domefur was 16 when this was released and he admits that he
thought Vegetarianism was something to do with being a vet. How naive. ‘Look I
wasn’t the brightest, but this album really opened my eyes to what was
happening in the world. I would often
sit in my bedroom with my headphones on, listen to this and contemplate the terrible
way animals are killed for food, and what right did I have to go along with
this. Then my Mum would call me down for
sausage and mash and I would pretty much forget all about it. I still like to think of myself as a kind of
vegetarian called avagetarian I just love the munching on vag. Now pass me the burgers’.
Album # 9. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the
Spiders from Mars. As chosen by Ammo Dump.
Ziggy is a concept album which is loosely based on a concept
solo album, play, book and film by Ammo Dump called ‘The staggering highs and
tragic lows of Tony Yeboah and Chewbabba from Kashyyyk ’. Part of the reason Dumps' album never really
took off, (it got to number 54 during its 4 week chart run), is there are lots
of great song titles but little in the way of musical content. Indeed the tracks are in fact anecdotes of Ammo’s life. Whilst the track listing is only 5 songs long
the total running time is 2 weeks, 4 days, 9 hours and 32 minutes exactly. Interestingly track 2 is the shortest story
lasting 1 day, 12 hours, 29 minutes and 32 seconds in which Dump talks about
meeting David Bowie. BBC Radio 6 will be
playing the album in its entirety in June of 2013. The Ziggy Stardust Album
only lasts 38.37 minutes.
Album # 10. Faith by George Michael, as chosen by Marc
Virtual Dildo
George Michael - Faith 
When released in 1988, MVD was starting his training
Berkshire school of Lotharios, hoping to get his doctorate in loving. Dildo told us ‘this is a cracking album which
blokes could listen to and girls would love as well. I modelled myself on George at the time,
leather jacket, aviators, tight tight jeans, the pink feather bower was a bit
strange, but George was all man. We were like best mates. It’s like he was inside
me, right behind me you know. People
always liked the way I sung his tunes. I suppose it was like he was in my mouth’.
Album # 11. Both Sides by Joni Mitchell, as chosen by Soakie
Vest
Joni Mitchell is the Mother of Grant and Phil Mitchell from
Eastenders. This album, released in 2000 was recorded in the UK in 2000. This is where Joni Mitchell first met Soakie who
was at the same studio doing voice over work for a radio ad for dog flea powder.
Indeed
Soakie actually played the Penny Whistle on Joni’s title track Both Sides. Soakie takes up the story. ‘We hit it off straight away. She likes beer
and I like beer and it turns out she is a huge fan of Paul Furlong. So I took
her to Loftus Road for a match. Its turns out there are 2 Paul Furlongs and her
one didn’t play for QPR. Still she took
pity on me and became a season ticket holder’.
It is rumoured that Mitchell has written a song for Soakies
next solo album. The track is called ‘don’t bother sending me an email because
I never respond’.
Album # 12. Rubber Soul by The Beatles, as chosen by Ammo
Dump
This album came to Dumps attention whilst he was at University
studying Coprophilia . His dissertation titled ‘Come on, just flush it down the
bog’, is still used as part of the course work. Originally attracted to the album by the track
Norwegian Wood, Ammo set about recreating all the tracks as he would like them
arranged. Using only a ‘Rolf Harris
Stylophone’ a Waltham tape recorder and a very used C90 tape. He sent the tape
to numerous record companies as a showcase for his producing skills. Picked up
by Wildlife records, they repackaged it and sold to new age hippies as Whale song. Not quite what
Dump intended but he did earn nearly £4.56 in royalties. Enough for some mushroom sauce but not the
burger. Ammo has since found out that Norwegian
Wood is not a Scandinavian porn film.
Album # 13. Band on the Run by Paul McCartney & Wings,
as chosen by Marc Virtual Dildo.
We have to thank MVD’s Mum and Dad for this one. For hidden in the Show tunes albums, discs for the Opera’s and of course Hard Core Finnish House Trance records, they had this little gem. So we asked him what he thought of the record. ‘Well to be quite honest with you, I thought it was a Saturday morning cartoon series. I envisaged that the’ band’ had done something wrong even though they were actually good guys. You know a sort of musical A-Team. They were always ‘on the run’ but probably really helping people in small villages and town against some rich local land owner bully type. After a couple of years of this strange childhood fantasy world I lived in, I then actually listened to the record and thought wow. My favourite tracks are Band on the Run and Jet of course. Although I did love Mrs Vandebilt. Not the song but rather the Milf down the road. Or as I liked to call her Mrs Robinson. (see album # 10 for Dr Love explanation)
Album # 14. England Keep My Bones by Frank Turner, as chosen
by Nicky Domefur.
‘So why do you like this album Nicky?’
‘I just do’
Album # 15. TBC by Scud Crater
