The 2^nd Annual Destroya totty A-Z, Sponsored by Alcohol,

‘Alcohol, because the world’s less shit with a drink’.

By our art critic Brian Sewall

It was Confucius who said ‘Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it’.  Luckily, unlike Confucius, we live in a time of the Internet.  We can see beauty whenever we like, as well as videos of kittens doing the craziest things.

 If he had been knocking around today, would the Chinese teacher and philosopher look bewildered at modern society, the pace of life and the technology that controls us? No,  I suspect  old ‘Deep Thought’ would be kicking back eating Nandos, watching porn on his Ipad and wondering  how does Ashton Kutchner keep getting acting  jobs?

He would also be thinking ‘is Pauline Quirke really the most attractive lady with a surname beginning with Q’?

The new list is out and with no winners from last year allowed to enter, the competition was fierce. To make it even more interesting, and possible to placate Britney Spears who needs the publicity, Ammo suggested that Destroya will then have a face off between the 2011 and 2012 winners for what has been described by Total Impact Wrestling magazine, as ‘The Ultimate Square Circle death match’.  The Adult Channel has offered to cover the event if we make it mud wrestling. Destroya will work on that format over the next month but in the mean time here is the world’s hottest babes A-Z list, 2012.

A – Gemma Arterton.  On hearing the news, English Rose Arterton vowed to give up her burgeoning acting career and concentrate on her life’s calling of carving scale replica’s of the manhood’s of each Destroya ‘member’. She plans to display them in her front room. No one will be allowed in to see them though, as last time she had a latex doppelganger of Soakie’s knob, some crazed German women broke in wearing only a nylon negligee and demanding a private room to use said replica phallus to ‘deliver tea’.    

 
Arterton thinks about tea. 'hmmm.. Soakie Vest'.

B – Kate Beckinsale.  An interesting fact that Hugh Jackman let slip, is that when she is on set filming her Hollywood blockbusters, Beckinsale likes to relax by designing what she thinks the next Destroya album cover will look like. Being shy she never sends them to the band but instead puts them in a bottle and throws them into the sea, hoping that they will wash up on a desert island, and brighten the day of some stranded lost soul.

C- Thinking man’s totty Victoria Coren is still amazed at how Destorya turned around her life. Coren, who left school with only a GCSE in woodwork, puts the remarkable change in her life down to being taken in by Ammo Dump and Marc Virtual Dildo, in a sort of Pygmalion arrangement. Dildo laid a wager  with Dump that in 5 weeks he could turn her from someone destined for the check outs at Asda, into a well respected TV presenter of an intellectual game show on BBC4, columnist for the Guardian, panellist on QI, poker professional and to marry well know TV boffin actor David Mitchell.  Dump didn’t think he could do this, not TV stuff, newspaper stuff and poker stuff. No Dump didn’t think they could get Mitchell interested as he’s always been a brunette man.

 

 
Coren. Would be nowhere without Virtual Dildo or Dump!  

D- Zooeey Deschanel. ‘The 500 days of summer’ actress was once arrested for stalking Nicky Domefur. But it was her quirky good looks and vibrant character that got her the nomination and not the fact that she threatened to bunny boil Domefur’s mini lob rabbits.

 

 
Deschanel is Glen Close to Nicky Domefur's Michael Douglas.

E- In 2012 it could only be Jessica Ennis.  The Yorkshire beauty showed the world that you don’t have to look like a hairy arsed Bulgarian plumber to win gold.  Ennis admits that she hums the tune to ‘I think it’s time Captain Karl, pardon’ whilst running the 800m. This has led to a new range of Destroya running shoes being launched. Virtual Dildo has promised that in the New Year he absolutely will start to use them. Honest.


In honor of what she has done for the country, Destroya gave Ennis a golden burger. (no bun, too many carbs)

F- Anna Friel.  Always remembered for the first lesbian kiss on TV.  She also has to spell out each Destroya members name with her alphabetti spaghetti before she eats her tea. She will throw an almighty tantrum if she can’t find all the letters.  This led to Heinz offering a full Destroya name letter guarantee on each can.


Ruth, Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation, rejected Friel's new style umbrella.

G-Maggie Gylenhaal. Multi award winning actor Maggie shot to fame in the film ‘The Secretary’ as an S&M obsessed worker who embarks on a sordid relationship with her boss.  She admitted ‘It’s hard to be spanked by James Spader who is an annoying twat. I kept telling myself, ‘just pretend its Soakie Vest delivering the tea’’.

 H- Salma Hyak.  Ample chested Salma is a favourite of Destroya. It could be the smouldering Latin looks, the deep husky accent or it could be her well known love of rock music and being a devout follower of the Tao of Soakie Vest. Once received a Tea Caddy full of poisoned tea from one of Soakies stalkers.  The package was sent from Germany. Interpol are looking into it.

 

 
Hyak. A victim of one of Soakie Vest stalkers. Luckily she only drinks Coffee.

I-Ana Ivanovich is not really a surprise for the I.  The Serb tennis star was spotted by Scud Crater playing tennis at the local park. Scud then embarked on a scientific programme to turn Anna into the new tennis sensation.  For this the Serbian government have awarded Crater the freedom of Belgrade, a Yugo car which is 16 years old but has low mileage, and as much cabbage as he can eat any time he visits.  When asked to comment Crater said ‘I only wanted her to reproduce that 70’s poster. You know the one with the girl scratching her arse’.

J- Scarlett Johansson stunned Hollywood when she insisted that they base a series of films on the characteristics of Destroya. Crater is the Hulk, Ammo Dump is Mr Fantastic, Marc Virtual Dildo is Dr Love (this later became Dr Doom) and Iron Man is based on Soakie Vest and his iron liver. Apparently Nick Fury is based on Nicky Domefur although nobody can find any link between the two.

 K- Mila Kunis is delighted to have made the list this time.  After her muff munching of Natalie Portman in Black Swan led to the later being included in the 2011 list, Kunis quipped that having a face full of Domefur would be far more satisfying.

Kunis.  Ding Dong

 

L-Jennifer Lawrence is one of the rising stars in Hollywood. She admits she was confused when she got the script of The Hunger Games as she always assumed, as the rest of the world does, the hunger games are the quolloquial  name given to the various A-Z lists and games that Destroya make up. For that we love her and she’s in the list.

M-Rhona Mitra admits to being ‘chuffed to bits’ by her inclusion in this year’s list.  What’s the first thing she did when she heard? She got on the phone to call Charlize Theron to tell her how she was sooo last year. She hopes to take over the mantle of top Destroya totty. Like her hero’s Anastasia, Brittney and Naomi Ferris.

N-Rachel Nichols sports a tattoo with the legend ‘You’ll never be as good as Virtual Dildo’ just below the waist band area. She says it’s to throw down a challenge to potential lovers. She does admit that she has only ever seen MVD on TV, but his last appearance on Only Connect is on permanent loop on her TiVo box. 

Nichols. Wants more Dildo in her life.
 

 O is for Obama. The first lady takes the O.  An unconventional choice indeed but let it be said that Destroya have wide and varied tastes.  It will be interesting to see her take on last year’s champion, porn star Bree Olson in the ultimate death match.

P- Michelle Pfeiffer.  Like a fine wine that gets better with age Michelle has been wooing a certain Ammo Dump for many years now.  Watch the piano scene from The Fabulous Baker Boys in slow motion and you will notice in the crowd a young man with binoculars with his tongue out. That was Ammo making his first un-credited screen appearance. 

  
Pfieffer likes to perform whilst Ammo Dump watches.

Q-We asked Maggie Q for her reactions to winning.  She said ‘At last I get one up on Pauline fucking Quirke. For years that bee-atch has been beating me. I audition for Birds of a Feather , Quirke gets it despite me practising an Essex accent for 6 months. I put up with Hollywood Movies like Die Hard 4.0 whilst she lords on Emmerdale.  Have I been asked onto Loose Women? No.  I am going to get a Chelsea tattoo and learn to cook Finnish/Italian dishes and woo MVD. That will be my greatest victory over my Nemesis!

Miss Q practises meeting Pauline Quirke at the TV Quick soap awards, where she plans to fight her for Virtual Dildo's love.

R-Rachel Riley. An absolute Destroya nut. Rachel has all the albums, all the singles and seen all but 2 of the concerts. (Glasgow and Paris. She fucking hates Paris). She was disciplined by Channel 4 program Countdown, for always writing the answer Destroya.  Even when the letters are A,P,C,W,W,Q,Z,X,A,E,O Rachel looks to the camera and says I have an 8 letter word. The producers know what’s coming.  Has the lyrics to ‘Uncle Necrophilia’ sewn into all of her knickers.

 S-Alicia Silverstone was ‘Clueless’ in her break out role. She was also clueless when she accepted the lead role in the forgotten movie ‘North by Northvest’ where she played the barmaid. She still appears to be Clueless as she has accepted the role of lead dancer in the upcoming film ‘The Instigator’.  Dismember her softly Scud, dismember her softly.

 

Silverstone prepares for her role opposite Scud Crater.

T-Christy Turlington. The model beauty has been the face of Calvin Klien as well as Domefur BBQ sauce.  Her recent directorial debut for the well received documentary ‘No Women No Cry’ was inspired by the Soakie Vest documentary ‘No beer, I cry’, The Marc Virtual Dildo Documentary ‘No Women I cry’ and the Scud Crater documentary ‘No Minted lamb burger in a maize top bun, I’ll rip your fucking head off’.

U-Kate Upton.  A young lady who makes her living by taking her clothes off and modelling underwear.  Asked why this was her career choice she simply replied she knew that if she did enough bra adverts she would come to the attention of Scud Crater. Wearing a t-shirt with the logo ‘wear me like a hat’ might also have the same effect.



Upton haning around Egham with a minted lamb burger hoping to 'bump' into Scud Crater.

V-Dianna Vickers.  Why was ‘little voice picked? Dianna Vickers wears Destroya knickers!

 

 
Vickers. She only wears Virtual Dildo's knickers.

 

W-Olivia Wilde. Versatile Olivia has always been happy to accept a variety of roles but it seems the inspiration for accepting such an eclectic variety of jobs appears to be the press release from Ruth, Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation, for the upcoming 2013 film ‘The Instigator’.  Asked why she would be ideal for the film Wilde lists her ability to play straight, funny, serious and of course she has her own supply of industrial strength KY Jelly.

X-Shy and retiring Brazilian superstar Xuxa met Scud Crater and Marc Virtual Dildo back in the 90's at the priory. She, like them was suffering from chronic shyness. The course worked a treat and Xuxa regularly gets her arse out in public, builds mini towns from peoples left overs in restaurants and asks taxi drivers rude things in Urdu.


Scud Crater and Virtual Dildo inspired Xuxa to do this

Y-American singer song writer Rachel Yammagata is much like her hero, Ammo Dump. Kind, Cerebral and has a poster of Tony Yeboah on the back of her toilet door.

Z-After last year’s controversy surrounding Catherin Zeta-Jones, the suggestion of Carly Zucker was obvious.  Especially after she blurted out live of ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of her’ that whilst her boyfriend Joe Cole was fit he was not as fit as Scud Crater. Also revealing in a touching and candid moment that the thing she missed the most in the jungle, was watching her vintage VHS tapes of the original Wimpey and Pinky show.

It’s that time of the year when the Babes of the world start waxing, pruning and of course flirting in the hope that they will be chosen for the 2012 Destroya Babes A-Z list.

The main news is that in conjunction with the UN, Destroya have announced that none of the winners of the 2011 competition qualify for this years list, and as such ladies as stunning as Jessica Alba, Sofia Vergara, Heidi Klum and Pauline Quirk will not feature this year.

Nicky Domefur who runs the competition on behalf of Destroya plc/corporation said ‘Tough, they have to get over it.  There are a lot of ladies out there and it’s only fair on the rest of the female population that we rotate the women. Hey that sounded like the instructions for the dismemberment dance’! 

He continued ‘In addition I shall be a lot tougher this year and have noted complaints made by China, France and Echo & The Bunnymen as to entries put in by Dump and Virtual Dlido last year. France complained that Dump’s entry for Odette Yustman is invalid as she now uses her married name of Annable and has done since 2010. In protest of this, and I really can’t think of any rationale  for this protest,  they will set fire to 4 trucks carrying Welsh lamb.  The Chinese have made an official complaint about the lack of winner for the ‘U’ surname, plus the winner of the ‘Z’ surname and the ‘Q’ surname pointing out that they have 1,326 actresses with a surname beginning with ‘U’,  3,918 actresses with a surname beginning with ‘Q’ of which, they claim,  at least 67 are better actresses than Pauline Quirke, and that they have 28,417 actresses with surnames beginning with a ‘Z’. (Although they admit that only 28,249 of those actresses are better than Catherine Zeta Jones)’.

Dump.. 'Yustman' a figment of his imagination?

‘Also, and I must stress no personal interest in this protest, Echo & The Bunnymen have protested about the entry championed by MVD for the letter ‘L’.  They point out, and with some justification, that their single ‘The Killing Moon’,  which is one of the greatest records of all time, was disqualified from the Destroya A-Z of singles, by Virtual Dildo, because of his Nazi like puritanical rule regarding the use of a ‘The’.  They have correctly highlighted that Kelly ‘Le’ Brock translates as Kelly The Brock, and they summarise that MVD was being a sneaky little shit and by submitting this entry he was effectively laughing in the face of Domefur, and indeed the whole of Great Britain’.

 Virtual Dildo. Double Standards?

 

Domefur finishes by adding 'I would also like to accept the honour bestowed upon me by the French Government and accept the title of ‘Commandant de la 1ère classe et maître de la Mang.  I look forward to compiling the list on November 10 when many juicy burgers shall be discussed. Then after ordering our food we shall compile the 2012 list and if we have time discuss the Destroya movies that never got made’.

By staff reporter. 8.11.12

What did the studio heads in Hollywood say when they got to their offices yesterday morning?  Probably ‘Oh Fuck’ at the news coming out of the UK. Calanders hastily looked at to see which of their summer blockbusters would clash with what is certain to be the biggest movie of 2013.

They then announced that Superman, Iron Man 3, The Hangover 3 and Star Trek 2 have all been switched to 2014. The leviathan is coming!

The announcement, as it where, came from Ruth, Head of Destroya plc/corporation that in addition to a proposed world tour of Germany and Holland (again), Several albums that are still floating round Ammo’s head, the ‘London’ Album, 4 books, a jewellery range, 5 different after shaves:  ‘The smell of Dump’, ‘A whif of Crater’, ‘Essence of Domefur’, ‘Smell my Virtual Dildo’ and ‘Aroma of Vest’ (with added Fabreeze), Ruth also slipped in that June 2013 will see the first feature film from Dismemberment Records, through their media division ‘Lick my juicy burger films’.

The film, which is based on an idea by that waitress at the Red Lion, no not Lydia or Sarah, but the other older one we don’t talk to very much.  The film is based on a character that is based on Scud Crater, and will follow the story of how one man aims to cause as much hilarity as well as chaos in every bar and restaurant he goes to.  It is also the story of a women and 2 children who despite the constant roaring and Frankie Howard impressions still stick by their man, usually by ignoring him.

 A cast including Megan Fox as the wife, Zac Effron as the Son, Jessica Alba as the daughter, with Samuel L Jackson as Ammo Dump, Daniel Day Lewis as Soakie Vest, Gerrard Butler as Marc Virtual Dildo, Timmy Mallett as Nicky Domefur and Vince Vaughn as Scud Crater.

 Guest  stars to include Lionel Blair, Denzel Washington, Ray Winston, The female cast members of Geordie Shore,  Dustin Hoffman, Ant but not Dec,  Daniel Craig, Uma Thurman, Kurstin Dunst, Charlieze Theron and Warrick Davies.

No details of what parts they all play, but it’s a good bet that the Geordie Shore girls will be involved in some kind of dismemberment dance scene and as the script is being written by Ammo Dump I expect that Kirsten Dunst will have a scene where she gets off with Dump behind the bike shed.

The Title. 'The Instigator'

The movie starts filming on the 4^th of June 2013 with a release date of 8^th June 2013, just 5 days later.

More important to the nation then the census, the Destroya poll takes place every 10 years and lets the world know how the Demi Gods of Rock think. Their thoughts on the past and of course a little glimpse in to the future.

Here are the results that the world has waited for. (Interestingly their may have been an extra couple of entries from Non Destroya members who obviously surf the internet looking for polls to fill in.  Luckily though their answers did not seem to distort the results).

Question 1:

Which was your favourite Destroya Tour?

1^st:   Amsterdam 1^st tour.              42%

1^st:   Milan.                                       42%
3^rd:  Cunt                                          16%

Joint Winner: Amsterdam and Milan.

Interesting that Milan was joint winner with the clear pre – poll favourite of Amsterdam.  Cunt came 3^rd.

Question 2:

Which Destroya Babe should be invited for the next tour as a pre-show fluffer?

1^st:   Charlize Theron.                        43%
2^nd:  Kirsten Dunst.                            29%
3^rd:  Natalie Imbruglia                         9%
3^rd:  Cunt                                               9%

Theron said ‘I am staggered by this win, especially against Kirsten who I know is deeply loved by the Destroya boys.  I shall forthwith get a tattoo on my upper thigh with the words ‘property of Destroya’ and an arrow pointing to my snatch.  With regard to the job as pre-show fluffer, I shall start practising trying to suck a golf ball through a hose pipe to ensure I can fulfil this dream job’.

 Question 3:

The 2013 tour/25th Anniversary Stag do should be in which city?

1^st:   Amsterdam (including the one answer of Amsterdam & Dortmund)  59%

2^nd:  Rio                                                 10.33%
2^nd:  Somewhere hot                          10.33%
2^nd:  Cunt                                             10.33%

The honour of staging the proposed 2013 tour/Dom’s 25^th Anniversary stag do has fallen to…..

Amsterdam with the match being in Dortmund. A beer fuled train journey awaits then.
Interesting that the 3 other entries where Rio, (impractical), somewhere hot and of course the now serial entry of ‘Cunt’.  Not sure which cunt we could have all 5 Destroya members in at once apart from Katie Price.

 Question 4:

 Which was the best Actual match we have seen?

1^st:    Inter vs AC Milan                    29%

2^nd:   PSG vs Marseille                     14.2%
2^nd:   Ajax vs Den Bosch                 14.2%
2^nd:   Roma vs Lazio                          14.2%
2^nd:   Real Madrid vs Santander  14.2%
2^nd:   Cunt                                            14.2%

The closest of all the questions.  Inter vs AC got 2 votes and all the others got the 1 vote.  It was of course the first tour with all the then 8 members of Destroya in.  Vaffanculo indeed.

Question 5:
Your favourite meal on tour?

1^st:    Bavarian Brunch Hamburg                  44%

2^nd:   Milan 3hr lunch                                      29%
3^rd:   McDonalds                                              8.5%
3^rd:   Cunt                                                          8.5%

The food on a Destroya tour is hugely important.  We always have at least Burger and there will always be at least 1 meal eaten in an Italian restaurant.  The meals themselves can be excellent quality, (the Italian in Berlin) and really really shit, (Dirty Diana Burgers in London).  The Bavarian Brunch is one I think was more about the experience then the food. The serving staff, woof and of course the Music, thank you Gepeto .

 Question 6:

The Worst tour?

1^st   Paris                               49.98%

2^nd  Rome 2^nd                      33.32%
3^rd  Leeds                             16.66%

I thought this was going to be a landslide but Rome 2 got 2 votes.  (1 person skipped. I think it was the cunt man).

 Paris as we all would like to see it.

Question 7:

Most Memorable Moment?
1^st    8 Beers Pleeeessshhh                           42%
2^nd   Your once, twice, three times more expensive then you said you would be.  14.28%
2^nd   Cello & the Tranny
2^nd   Tofifee
2^nd   Cunt

With  3 votes Clemy de Moan wins with the Classic 8 beers.  The fact that 2 of the Most Memorable short list came from Clem shows what a legend the man is.

Clem presenting one of the 8 beers to Soakie Vest.

And as a special treat for the person who entered 'Cunt' on all but one of the questions I thought I would finish of with a picture of a great big Cunt.

John Terry has no shame

This picture was posted on his personal website: www.englandsbraveJohnTerry.com

I know it looks real but it is a fake.

Well dear readers.  Its the end of the football season and their are polls everywhere.  So here is a little Destroya one.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/HGMSZ8N

A little news story from last week for as well...

Destroya fans react badly to being told Justin Bieber was standing in for Soakie Vest at the opening of a new branch of Lloyds the Chemist in Reigate.

Stuff the Oscar’s, The Destroya’s means something. The awards that Hollywood really want to win.
By our art critic Brian Sewell

February is traditionally awards season for the lush floosies in Hollywood but instead of the Kodak Theatre, the Limos where filling up the car park at the Red Lion in Thorpe Village and the stars had their noses pressed up against the pub windows trying to get a clue as to who was going to win the first ever gongs in the inaugural A-Z Destoya film list.

I can exclusively reveal the final list. Amazingly no films starting with a ‘The’ made the list. It’s almost like somebody put together loads of stupid rules or something.

Also there is an A-Z list of adult films based on actual movies. So in addition we are pleased to announce The Robinets for the adult films A-Z list.

Aliens: One of the few sequels that is actually better than the original. Amazingly the films designers based the Aliens on the Strippers in Le Pegalle in Paris. Rough is not the word.
American Cherry Pie. A film about young ladies losing their cherries. Why someone wants to watch a film about teenagers losing the key ingredient in a fruit salad is beyond me.

Being There: Simple minded man starts to run the country. The film is not a biography about George W Bush but Peter Seller’s as a man whose only understanding of the outside world is based on what he sees on TV. Much like 80% of today’s teenagers.
‘Buttman, The caped invader’. I assume a low budget action movie centred on a park cleaner that won’t rest until his park is clear of cigarette butts….. Probably.

Carlito’s Way: Al Pacino and Sean Penn in a movie about Puerto Rican crook who gets out of jail and wants to go straight. It’s not about Carl Itol, a tyre fitter from Basildon and his way of balancing a tyre using only a banana and a teaspoon.
Charlie and the Chocolate Hole Factory. I’m not going to make this up. It’s about pooper sex.

Deuce Bigalo, Male Gigolo. OK. A newspaper editor and a director of an international exhibition company voted for this. Two normally very intelligent men! It’s based on a true story with multi Oscar winning Daniel Day Lewis in the lead role. Scrub that. It stars Rob Schneider and was reviewed thus: ‘Tasteless’. New York Times. ‘Bad Acting, Bad Script, Bad Directing’. Variety. ‘How low can cinema go’? Daily Mail. ‘Brilliant, Best movie since Zabriskie Point. 5*’. Slough Express
Deeper Impact. The tag line goes like this. 9inches, 12inches the whole 2 foot. One woman, one donkey, lots of lube.

Easy Rider. The Dennis Hopper tour de force. Co-starring either Jane, Peter or Kevin Fonda, we can’t remember which.
Erin Fuck my Bitch. A promotional video by women’s rights group, Sluts Video Inc.

Four Weddings and a Funeral. Starring Hugh Grant who, when arrested in LA for paying a lady called Divine Brown (like that’s her real name) to munch on his lunch, used the excuse that he forgot he was in LA and thought he was in Calais and simply stopped to ask the lady ‘where is my tap?’
Flesh Gordon. I have viewed this tape 94 times now both in normal speed and super slowmo, and I can’t find the scene with Brian Blessed.



Gladiator. When John Barnes scored ‘that goal’ for England against Brazil he dinned off it for the rest of his career. Russell Crowe is attempting to do the same on this movie.
The Gland Father. Classic story of gangs, Mafia and a man with a 12 inch penis.

It’s a wonderful Life. The classic tale of a man who marries a sex mad supermodel, wins the lottery, his football team never loses again and he buys the Red Lion in Thorpe and hires Sarah to read Kafka to him.
Iron Rod Man. Simply a man who’s cock is made of iron. Let’s hope he doesn’t rust.

Jaws. This won the adult award as well, but this version involves a man eater. Again this could be used to describe the adult movie. The man eater opens its mouth and drains the victim of their fluid, again both films. The men’s fluid leaves stains everywhere. Again both films. The shark also takes it up the arse. That might not be in the final cut of the Spielberg version but it’s in the director’s cut.
Jaws. See above, except in this film pretty much everyone takes it up the arse.

King Kong (original).. ‘What ever happened to Fay Wray, That delicate satin draped frame, as it clung to her thigh, how I started to cry, because I wanted to dressed just the same’. The 1933 film not the overly long tedious 2005 version, or the thoroughly underrated Jeff Bridges 1976 film.
King Dong. As if any man has an 18 inch cock. Also no woman would want it near her. It’s not the size it’s what you do with it, as I have heard on many occasions.

Couldn’t remember the ‘L’
Suck my LETHAL WEAPON. Do you really need me to tell you what this story is about!

Monty Python’s Holy Grail. There are several films in the adult section about Monty’s Python but this one is about a the wacky Monty Python Boys and their search for the Holy Grail, of a pub serving fine larger, great burgers with lovely waitress called Sarah, but not charging there regular customers £1.50 for mushroom sauce.
The Dominatrix. Based loosely on the nerd fest Matrix trilogy, this film seems to be fetish based slow motion whip action

Natural Born Killers. I believe this was a documentary about the last Spice Girls tour.
A Nightmare on Cum Street. The blurb on the box reads ‘What happens when you fall asleep and dream about cocks! Cindy does not know the difference between reality and dreams when Freddy fucks her every way possible. A climax of 12 cocks and a whole bucket of cum’. I’m sold.

O Brother where art thou! The Cohen brothers in a classy, intelligent film starring George Clooney. Not the sort of film you would associate with Destroya. (See ‘P’ for exactly the sort of film you would associate with Destroya.
Oceans of Cum 11. Not based on the Clooney/Pitt star vehicle at all. Just volume 11 of the Oceans of cum series. That’s close enough for me


Porkies. Far better and funnier than the rival film released at the same time by the Vegetarian Society called ‘Quornies’. Porkies had an unknown cast in what is regarded as the seminal teen movie. A 1982 release it spurned 2 sequels, Porkies 2 and Porkies Revenge. Neither of which were as funny nor did as well at the box office. The only actor of any note in the cast was Kim Cratrell, whose character drops her knickers and shags whilst howling like a banshee. She still does pretty much the same thing with all the characters she has played since then, only now, 30 years later, teenage boys no longer want to masturbate whilst watching her, just throw up.
Planet of the Gays. ‘Straight man crashes his space ship back to earth, only to find his is on a strange planet where everyone is gay. After being forced to perform acts unnatural to him on the Gay leaders, he realises, he is not on a strange planet, but he has crashed in San Francisco’.

Quadrophenia. British rites of passage movie starring Phil Daniels, Lesley Ash (when she didn’t look like a fish) and in a staggering piece of miscasting, Sting plays the Ace Face. Coolest of the Mods. He was already 57 when the film came out and was about as uncool as a barbeque on full heat.
Q. No Adults Film related Q’s.

Raging Bull. Better than Rocky, well that’s open to debate, but this was an Oscar nominated Martin Scorsese classic starring of course Kim Catrell as the girl who takes off her knickers and shags a lot. Actually that might be a different film. This one could be Robert Di Niro. I get so confused between those two.
Raiders of the lost Arse. Couldn’t see the blurb about this film. It’s either a moving Disney style story of Donkey, but spelt the American way, or its 82 minutes of nonstop cock in bum hole action.

Schindler’s List. The Spielberg Oscar Winning Epic that stars Liam Neeson as the titular character. Neeson owns a lift factory just outside Dortmund and this 3 and half hour marathon of film, documents his struggle to make the perfect lift. Quiet but also fast and safe. All the in face of Nazi oppression, who want him to produce great toasters instead. I think that’s it.
Shaving Ryan’s Privates. Some bloke called Ryan gets his pubes shaved by several hot looking girls who run a genital area grooming service….. I assume.

This is Spinal Tap. It’s almost like a documentary about Destroya. Which is of course crazy, although there is a story doing the rounds that Derek Smalls is in fact the birth father to all the members of Destroya and this is why they were drawn together to form their own rock super group.
The Texas Dildo Massacre. Dildos, Mang and KY jelly. Instead of Leather face there is a character called leather pussy. Sounds attractive.


OK I have had enough now. Other films in the A-Z list where Vertigo, West Side Story, X-Men last stand and just to be bloody minded, and in what can only be described and his Zhou Xun moment, Ammo got Zabriskie Point in as the Z

One final mention for the adult film list was the ‘Y’ entry which sounds like it was titled by Ammo Dump. You, Me, Dupree and Bob. (One women, three men and three holes).