The A-Z Zhou Xun is still there!

Press Release from Ruth, Head of Destroya plc/corporation:

The phrase often quoted by companies trying to flog us stuff at this time of year is ‘an ideal gift for Christmas’.  But there is never a gift that is truly ideal for every family member or friend. Granny wouldn’t know what to do with an iphone. A 4 year would not be the ideal recipient of a 20yr old bottle of malt whiskey and does anyone really want a Cliff Richard annual?

Trust Destroya plc/corporation to come up with a gift that truly spans gender, age, race and religion.

‘The 2015 Destroya A-Z of top totty calendar’.

Rather than compiling a list we thought what better way of milking the last few shekels from your pockets than release the list in calendar format. multiple totties on each month. Each lady will give their take on being a Calendar Girl, offering insight into the honour of being picked by Destroya. Making every month a treat for all Destroya fans, as well as being a reminder to the ladies who didn’t make this years calendar to try harder in 2016…. Enjoy

RRP £9.99 (includes a £0.12 donation to saving Spanish Donkeys)

January, featuring Jessica Alba, Sandra Bullock and Jenna Coleman

Jessica: I can’t believe I’ve been picked again. I knew the personal invite to Ammo Dump to come and share my private box….. at Lords cricket ground to a match with me would do the trick. I look forward to Ammo explaining googlies to me again. I’m not sure why he has to take off his trousers though?

Sandra: I knew Scud would go for me.  I’m over 50 and he loves a saucy Octogenarian.  Especially one that can do the splits whilst making a rack of lamb with mint sauce.  I know he likes my baps. They are maize topped.

Jenna: I don’t want to boast but I knew I would win. After all I’m young and perky and all the boys promised I would win after they left my apartment in Chalvey after we had a ‘Dismemberment Dance’ party. Just me and the five of them.  I have been in traction ever since but it was worth it.

  

Alba, thinking of Ammo's Googlies.- Bullock hoping to show Crater her rack.... of lamb. Coleman, pretty, pert and the star of Ammo's birthday Whats App messages.

February, featuring Kirsten Dunst and Jessica Ennis

Kirsten: Oh please. Of course I would win. I love a Dump and Dump loves me. As if he would ever let that bitch Zooey Deschanel win. That’s right Domefur. I know that’s who you voted for.

Jessica: I would do anything for these boys and frequently do. I dedicated my win at the Olympics and the World Championships to them. I can’t believe my husband hasn’t noticed. Even after our baby was born and I called it Marc Nicky Ammo Scud Soakie Ennis-Hill. Not forgetting he was born being over 6’, drinking Fosters whist telling anecdotes in a Frankie Howard voice. Then in the taxi on the way back from the hospital the baby asks the driver ‘Excuse me, do you speak Urdu’?

Dunst:Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!, Ennis taking aim at Cliff Richard on behalf of Marc Virtual Dildo.

March featuring Megan Fox and Kirsty Gallagher

Megan: How did I win? Simple. I’m a dirty little minx, plus I do have a love of shouting at the TV during Question Time.  Guess where I spend most Thursday nights?

Kirsty: I’m not a stalker, but I have a connection at the Red Lion who tips me off when they have been in. I like to get to the pub and if I’m lucky the chairs will still be warm. I know where Scud lives.  He has Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle boxer shorts that he got last Christmas.  I like to go into his bedroom when he’s not there and stroke his pillow……. I may have said to much

Dirty Little Fox with Scud Crater obsessed Gallagher

April featuring Salma Hayek and Natalie Imbruglia

Salma: Ah Nicky. He has fancied me for a long time and I repay the honour by being very bouncy. In every role I play it is a contractual obligation that I have to wear a low cut top in honour of him.

Natalie: Look, everyone knows that Soakie and I have a connection. He likes me and I worship him. And that’s how it should be. Yes I did the Johnny English movie and yes I was in an Australian soap and yes I did have a big hit single and several minor hit singles. But Soakie is a legend. Yes I know he’s married, but I’ll wait and bide my time. One day he will be mine.

Hayek, Give 2 reasons that Domefur always votes for you. - Imbruglia knew her position on the list was in the bag.

May featuring Scarlett Johanssen and Mila Kunis.

  

Scarlett: Yes its true, Marc and I have a long history going back to the improve days on the Old Windsor Am Dram circuit. I was Betty to his Frank Spencer. Being chronically shy it was my manager who suggested getting lessons in love if I was to ever get the roles of ‘sassy’ leading lady.  Imagine my surprise when the World Expert they brought in was of course Dr Love himself, Marc Virtual Dildo. I always keep Dildo in my handbag. I do course mean his self-help book.

Mila: Being from the Ukraine originally I was delighted with the breakup of the USSR. Not just because it freed my people for the oppression from Moscow, but also because Domefur has a hatred of all things Russian.

Scarlett hoping for a Dismemberment Dance with Marc and Scud. - Kunis was so nervous before the vote she didn't eat for a week and was forced to eat her own thumb.

June featuring Nigella Lawson and Kylie Minogue

Nigella: Well I must say I am gobsmacked to be included in the list.  I have been working hard to get noticed by the boys. I did all the back stage catering at the Leverkusen gig. Also when I heard that they were voting again, I sent the boys pictures of my burger with an open invitation to sample it whenever they want.

Kylie: I wonder if Ammo voted for me? He has certainly come down under with me before.

Nigella is forced to clean up after a particularly messy session with Scud Crater - Kylie spots Ammo Dump on the other side of the room

July featuring Alexandra Neidel and Rita Ora

Alexandra: What’s my secret in life. The Tao of Soakie Vest. I live using the 5 steps Soakie teachers us. Step 1) Always wear leather and denim. 2) Never be more the 10 metres away from a can of Fosters. 3) Support QPR even if they make you want to scream in frustration and anger. 4) Drink tea. 5) Drink lager at every opportunity.

Rita: I don’t care if I won by default. If Ammo says he wants me then I want him. Although I also want Scud. May be I can have both of them at the same time. Can I have Soakie as well?

two of Soakie's favourites Neidel and Rita Kia Ora

August featuring  Anna Paquin and Maggie Q.

Anna: I am always asked if I prefer my True Blood or X-Men roles. The truth is my favourite role was as lady Hat #1 in the video for Scud Crater’s Christmas song ‘Dismemberment and Wine’.

Maggie: Yes. Maggie’s #1 again. Fuck you Pauline Quirke. MVD is going to be all mine.

Paquin looks a little confused when the stunt co-ordinator explains her role in the video of 'Dismemberment and Wine' - Maggie Q bumps into Pauline Quirke.

September featuring Rachel Riley and Rachel Stevens.

Rachel Riley: I like to think I appeal to the cerebral side of the Destroya psyche. I can do the dance of the seven veils wearing a Bar Excalbur  t-shirt whilst reciting every Destroya lyric ever written.

Rachel Stevens:  When they tried to reform S-Club 7 I said ‘Yes, but only if we do Destroya covers only’. But bleeding Hannah Spearritt said she was more of a Take That fan.  That nonce Bradley said he didn’t  even know Destroya.  What a prick. So I said ‘bollocks, I’m going to do the ballroom dancing program. I wanted to dance to ‘Parisian Chestnut Vendor, do you sell Mang?’ but the producers said you can’t Cha Cha to it. Philistines

 Jealous of Anna Paquin, Rachel Riley practises before he audition for Scuds next Christmas single 'The Dismemberment Prayer'

The moment when Rachel Riley was told she has made it into the Destroya A-Z of top totty.

October featuring Charlize Theron and Kate Upton.

Charlize: One of the images of Christmas is hanging the stocking up on Christmas Eve hoping for Santa to fill it up with presents. Well to get onto the Destroya A-Z I hang my stockings up at Destroya HQ all the time. As well as my bras, knickers, thongs and well as anything that will keep the boys interested in me.

Kate: I first met Ammo and Scud whilst working as a taxi driver in Staines. I picked them up from the Royal Raj restaurant after one of the marathon discussion about the all-time England squads made up of players only from Leeds United and Blackburn Rovers. And yes I do speak Urdu.

Charlize goes subtle whilst Kate Upton goes full Soakie Vest.

November featuring Sophia Vergara and Laura Whitmore.

Sophia: I’m from Columbia but it was not cocaine I was addicted to. It was Domefur. I grew up watching the Wimpey and Pinky show and was chosen to be one of crowd ‘Si Chihuahua’ kids show.  They when I was 22, Domefur ‘auditioned’ me for the adult version ‘Chihuahua he chase the bitches’. What I didn’t know was that that show had been cancelled 3 years previously.

Laura: It was Soakie that first introduced me to Destroya. I met him at the MTV Europe awards as a young naïve Irish girl and he told me that Destroya where a boy band and his name was actually Soakie O’Vest. He delivered tea in my dressing room and I was hooked.

Vegara is determined to make Ammo love her as much as he loves Mary Berry

Despite nobody but Soakie knowing who she is, Laura is surprised that she made it into the A-Z.

December featuring Zhou Xun, Sean Young and Gillian Zinser

Zhou: 我爱弹药和吸了他3次是在 Destroya AZ的“X” 。他已经答应爱我长的时间，我弄签证

Sean Young: Scud reminds me of a young Harrison Ford. Not in looks though, it’s just Harrison used to make towers of detritus from every ones left over food. Also he introduced me to Chewbaba and I in turn introduced Chewbabba to Scud. The rest became rock n roll legend.

Gillian: With my love of Bob Dylan, Baking and cricket (plus I usually spend around 3 hours a day on the bog reading books) it was only natural I would love Ammo Dump and all things Destroya. I am honoured to be chosen and I can confirm my decision to change my name from Smith to Zinser has paid off. In your face Catherine Zeta Jones. 

Zhun Xou - Ammo loves this girl

Sean Young on the set of Blade Runner - She was really into Chewbaba

Gillian Zinser enjoys a Soakie Vest chilled tea called 'Man Fat Explosion'

Rock ‘n’ Rolling in the dosh.

The amazing corporate empire built by Britain greatest Rockers. 

By Felicity Le Travail de Coup

After the announcement by Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) last month that Destroya would be launching a range of books in time for Christmas, we take a look at the business ventures launched by the rock gods and asses the successes and the failures.

Whilst Destroya have launched numerous businesses both as a group and as individuals some have been ‘Apple’ and some have been a little bit more ‘Amstrad’.

The #1’s

‘Nicky Domefur’s Wonder Emporium………… of Mang’.  After noticing at the legendary Paris gig that Parisian Chestnut Vendors did not sell mang, Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation), quickly set upon a tie up with Quick Burger to make Mang available throughout France at every Quick Burger restaurant, meaning that the people of France could get their hands on Mang usually between the hours of 06.00 and 23.30. The tie was successful however the real money came through the $1 billion plagiarism law suit they won against the McDonalds Corporation who had launched a ‘McMang’ offering 6 months later.

‘Dismemberment Dance Off’ (on PS4, Wii and XBoxOne). The Game that kicked off the whole ‘Dance’ video game craze. Not only did the player have to buy the game, but to get the real Scud experience, they needed to buy a dance mat as well as virtual reality gloves and goggles.  This allowed the dancer to select which celebrity they could ‘dance’ with and see themselves, via the goggles, wearing the chosen celeb like a hat.  Critics will always point to the cost of the game and the extra hardware being too prohibitive. (£40 for the game plus £30 for the mat plus £1,237 for the virtual reality goggles and gloves). What those naysayers had not realised, but Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) had realised was that despite the cost, the opportunity to do totally inappropriate things to celebs, all be it virtually, would drive the game to the #1 spot in the game charts for 42 consecutive weeks.

early screen shot from the game.

Pooster Card.  Similar to an Oyster card, this brainchild of Ammo Dump was simple in in conception. Give the people quality dumping opportunities in cities and major towns, where they can go for a dump, read the paper, do some work, read a book, think about amusing anecdotes without the quite frankly disgusting surrounding of most public toilets. They swipe there Pooster card on the way in and out of the cubicle and get charged a flat rate no matter how long they were in there.  The Loo’s would be comfortable and offer streaming of Ammo’s favourite, but incredibly seasonal, television programmes.  Now for a flat fee you can go for a dump in Moscow, New York and Rio whilst watching Mary Berry nibbling on a cheese straw, Kate Humble milking a bullock, and Dr Who battling the Daleks (again).  As Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) tells us ‘there where teething problems. Mainly the phrase on the inside of the door which told customers to “Swipe the slot to exit”.  We had to put a disclaimer on the cards explain that swiping your own slot and covering your card in poo invalidates its warranty’.

Despite disasters with early prototypes the Pooster card was a success

‘Cha Cha Baby’.  This business really kicked off in 2010 after the band went Germany for possibly  there greatest concert.  Ruth  (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) explains that at the Hamburg gig we saw an opportunity as it seems that the German ladies love Soakie Vest, tea and nylon negligee’s.  Admittedly this business is only based in German speaking territories: Germany, Austria and Switzerland.  Those Teutonic ladies love their tea. We have tapped into the Wilhelmine feminist movement from the late 1800’s which gave German women the vote and more freedom.  It does mean more women are staying single and the divorce rate has shot up as women realise that all they need in their lives is a weekly tea delivery from Cha Cha Baby and a selection of Destroya based teas. The bestselling Destroya tea is ‘Jism Stick’ (with a hint of man fat).  Admittedly all our delivery drivers have to undergo reconstructive surgery to make them look like Soakie Vest.

In German Cha Cha means 'I want to nosh off Soakie Vest

Dr Love. Destroya certainly seem to have the female psych mapped out as huge source of revenue. The company umbrella name of Dr Love LLP includes divisions such as Dr Love video productions, Dr Love Erectile dysfunction tablets, Dildo King and Dr Love throat lozenges and Dr Love chaffing cream.  As Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) put it ‘I’m no Necrophiliac, but I prefer Dump. I can see however that Marc has a certain boyish Italian/Finish/English charm. We noticed how the ladies loved it when MVD serenaded them. So the entire Dr Love company and subsidiaries are based on sex but from a female point of view’.

Of course Destroya really struck it gold when Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) sold the company to Burger King who mistakenly thought that the ‘Double Pounder’ was a  burger and not an enormous double headed dildo.

Another delivery of Dildo's and chaffing cream

The ‘Did not chart’ companies.

Burgernomics. A new currency invited by Scud Crater to replace the Euro. Scud hadn’t realised that Angela Merkel is in fact a vegetarian and without the support of Europe’s biggest economy it was a nonstarter. Greece are currently looking at Halloumi and Humus as replacement currency if they get kicked out of the EuroZone.

Miss You Nights. A character assassination service dreamt up by MVD, where the Miss You Nights company would hound your selected target mercilessly until they fled from your life permanently. Ruth  (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) admits that she was partly to blame for the failure of this one. ‘I must admit that I took my eye off the ball as the new series of Great British Bake Off had started and I just let MVD get on with it without my help.  If I had seen the business plan we would never have launched it.  It was entirely based on destroying Cliff Richard. We have noticed the irony of the situation Mr Richard now finds himself in’.

Virtual Dildo's nemesis. 

Leather FM. (Not to be confused with the Dr Love subsidiary Leather For Him). A radio station that was the brain child of Soakie Vest. At first the listener figures where huge as the Destroya fan base thought that it would be nonstop Destroya tunes. But with Soakie in charge of the playlist, Destroya songs only accounted for 62.3% of the playlist with the 27.7% being supplied by bands like Air Supply, Saxon and Slayer.  In a fit of pique, despite good RAJAR figures and decent advertising sales, Soakie pulled the plug as he was just plain bored. He sold the station to Richard Branson for £1 who changed the name to Virgin Radio and claimed, like he always does, that it was his idea originally any way.

Leather FM mascot, Gepeto

Uncle Tim’s House of Fun. An idea of Ammo’s to create the kind of fun house for kids. The Uncle Tim’s House of Fun play centre was meant to be a chain or franchise operation with plans for 400 centres in the UK and then worldwide expansion.  Ruth (Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation) has a wistful look when I ask her about the failure. ‘I just popped into the garden to plant some bulbs and came back into the house to find Ammo had sub-let the ‘John Charles Stand’ at Elland Road and had already contracted Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen to design the interior. The kids would enter and go through what Ammo thought would be every ones idea of enchantment.  However not all 6 year olds want to play in Toilet Land, where the kids are meant to sit on toilet seats and quietly read the Guardian whilst listening to test match special. Also anecdote corner was not a hit with 4 year old girls, and no one was interested in the Zhou Xun area. No one cared that she once got into the Destroya A-Z of top totty as the only X submitted’. Uncle Tim’s House of Fun closed after 3 days.

The Dump room was a turn off for kids.

‘The’ Fest. A new music festival where Domefur used his pent up anger with Virtual Dildo’s nazi like obsession with the word ‘The’ to create a festival where all the bands would have a ‘The’ in the title.  Domefur had mistakenly thought he could get The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Doors, The Jackson Five, The Kinks to headline the 12 day festival, with tickets would have been a nominal charge of £1437.50. In the end he put on a one day festival with bands such as The Dolphin Brothers, The Supremes, The Clangers and The The headlining. It was cancelled with sales of tickets being ‘disappointing’. It probably didn’t help that tickets where still going to be £1437.50.

The festival that never was.

Andrew Jennings uncovers corruption and bias against Destroya

After successfully exposing corruption at the Olympics and now FIFA, top investigative journalist, and pork pie lover, Andrew Jennings has exposed the systemic corruption that lead to the ‘The Internet’ taking out a 5 year restraining order against Destroya.  This ironically is the first post for exactly two years!

 

Jennings discovered that the Judge who granted the highly controversial and unprecedented ban,  Lord Justice Winklethorpe-Smyth III, is in fact related to Nikki Sixx the Bass Player from glam tart rock band Mötley Crüe, who have held a long term fatwah against Destroya because of their rivals massive success and the fact that Pamela Anderson used to cry out for Soakie Vest every time she and the ‘Motley’s’  Tommy Lee used to do the double back monster. That and Soakie is by far and away the better drummer.

 

With the decision over turned, Destroya can once again pollute the world wide web with its usual brand of factual discourse and utter filth. Indeed many blamed the low attendance* on the recent 3 show German tour down to the lack of digital info from the band.

 

Ruth, Head of Everything at Destroya PLC/Corporation, commented ‘Those tussled haired posers have had their comeuppance good and proper. This was a clear attempt to interrupt and damage my bands wellbeing and of course limit the huge amount of filthy lucre that was rolling into the Destroya bank account. This in turn meant we had to cancel charitable donations that would have save dozens of kittens, puppies and other cute animals.  I hope they can live with themselves’. Ruth also confirmed that in the coming days there will be a further post on the ‘boys’ first venture into publishing.

 

In a new development it seems that Mötley Crüe have been slain in there L.A. lair with no reported survivors. Police are looking for Kirsten Dunst.

 

*The low attendance is a reference to Soakie and Domefur not turning up and not the attendance at the gigs which totalled 183,398 over the three concerts.