Pay per view might not be popular with the fans, by the
Destroya A-Z of top totty/face off/death match proved to be the highest rated
PPV event ever shown on CBBC channel.
After taking the cost of the broadcast, travel, health insurance and
covering the extensive ‘riders’ asked for by all the lovelies, (Nobody asked
for a fee, they all did it for Charity) there was an estimated profit of £2.2m
from the event. Nearly all of it will go the ‘Feed the Spanish Donkey’s
foundation set up by Destroya, minus of course the bands bar bill which did run
to £2.199,934.41. So just £65.59 profit, but the cost of mushroom sauce at the
MGM Grand in Las Vegas is very high indeed.
So after 12 hours of cat fighting, mudslinging, tears and
tantrums, (This was mainly Ammo Dump when the ‘D’ category was voted for) the
final all time A-Z list can be revealed.
B. is for Brook. She likes to pose in her underwear
hoping that Scud Crater might kop a look.
C. is for Clancy. Not as intelligent of Coren but she
does swallow.
D. is Deschannel. That’s right Deschannel. Not Dunst. (at
this point Ammo completely lost it and smashed the place up. He couldn’t return
to the voting for 3 weeks and refused to talk to the other band members.
Dunst. Wishes she had be born with an image of Pier Morgan as a birth mark?
E. is for Ennis. Rear of the Year, Girl of the Year and
Destroya Babe of the Year (in the E category).
F. is for Friel. You see, you don’t have to be a dirty
little routny to catch the eye of Destroya
G. despite wanting to sniff Crater’s crater, the G went
to Gylenhaal not to Kirsty Gallagher.
H. went to Salma Hayek.
This made Domefur very happy. Bouncy bouncy.
I. One time stalker of Soakie Vest wins the I category.
Natalie Imbruglia. In a bizarre twist she has promised to deliver a whole caddy
of tea to Soakie. I assume this means she’s on top.
J. Angelina Jolie celebrated this award by adopting Marc
Virtual Dildo. He accepted this adoption as long as she promised to breast feed
every day. Hhmmm. Bitty
K. Domefur has promised to show Kunis all of the sights
in Staines when she comes over to collect the award later in 2013. Sights that
include the Charcoal Grill, Mr Wu’s and of course that rubbish club in the old
telephone exchange at the back of Debenhams. Lucky girl.
L. Young, pert and talented Jenifer Lawrence beat 89 yr
old Kelly Le Brook. Who would have thought it.
M. After what diplomats have labelled ‘Dunstgate’ Ammo
Dump was placated by the news that Aussie pop poppet Kylie Minogue won the M.
The fact that she promised to perform a floor show for him in the downstairs
toilet of his Berkshire mansion at least bought the smile back to his face.
N. Rachel Nichols won this category. Championed by Soakie
Vest, suspicion grew that ‘favours’ may have been given to secure the win.
(Basically she agreed to be his personal concubine and bodyguard at the next
Panasonic conference, with instruction not to let any members of German Mensa
into his hotel suite).
O. Bree Olsen has
decided to give herself over to the cult of the dismemberment dance. If she can
get to Level 4 of the dance she hopes this will impress Charlie Sheen enough to
take her back.
P. Ammo led the charge to get Michelle Pfeiffer as the
confirmed ‘P’. She would have been the 3rd corner of Dump’s square
of horn. Sadly, although 2nd corner Minogue, won, as mentioned earlier corner # 1 Dunst, was rejected.
Q. Having beaten Pauline Quirke to become the all time ‘Q’
in Destroya’s list Maggie Q has vowed to celebrate by having Marc Virtual Dildo’s
face tattooed on her left breast with his lips over her nipple. She then plans
to torment Qurike at the 2013 TV Choice awards by whipping out her booby and
shouting ‘look bitch, Dildo’s suckling on Maggie’s titty now’.
R. After the announcement that Rachel Riley is now the
ultimate R, she celebrated by buying a flat that overlooks Ammo Dumps mansion
in Berkshire. Every time Ammo and Ruth, Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation go out, she likes to go into house and stroke
the loo. She comments ‘Sometimes it’s still warm and I like to stroke the seat
whilst marvelling on how one man can have so many back copies of Private Eye,
record collector magazine, books by Kafka and of course Thomas Crapper’s
autobiography.
S. Despite now looking like crack whore, Britney still
managed to win enough of the Destroya vote to be the all time ‘S’. Long time loyalist Scud Crater admitted it
was a sympathy vote and nothing to do with Ms Spears’s recipe for spicy lamb on
a bed of cuscus and the fact that she had agreed to finance a new series called
‘DJ Wimpey and Pinkie Sauce….. The Grown Up Years’. Spears was also to be corner
# 4 in Ammo’s ‘square of horn’. Obviously it’s a now a triangle of horn as
right angle #1 Dunst did not make the final list. (Best not mention it in front
of Ammo again).
T. South African Beauty Charlize Theron is the ‘T’. When
asked if she agreed with ‘Group’ sex, Charlize simply said ‘If the group is
Destroya then I am all for it’. Good
point well said.
U. With only one contestant Kate Upton was always going
to win her death match. Mind you,
stunning Kate loves lamb burgers, guitar based rock, poses in her underwear,
loves ‘receiving tea’, Italian men, album based anecdotes and has a soft spot
for Morrissey. She was always going to
win.
Upton and her juicy burger.
V. In a travesty of justice far greater than Kirsten Dunst not winning,
Dianna Vickers beat Sofia Vergara. This
result led to a Domefur having a strop as big as when a Frenchman looked at his
knob in the lavs in the Frog and Rosbif.
W is Rachel Weiss loves Destroya, and it seems 60% of
Destroya loves Rachel.
X. In a total shock Brazilian fun loving singer and arse model
Xuxa beat Chinese top totty Zhou Xun in what observers are calling ‘The battle
of the ladies we’ve never heard of’.
Y. Beautiful Odette Yustman appeared in the video of ‘Parisian
chestnut vendor, Do you sell mang?’ Rachel Yamagatta writes songs about vegetarianism. There was only ever going to be
one winner.
Z. After the strops by Dump and Domefur it seemed that
MVD was having a hissy fit when Catharine Zeta Jones was dumped for the ‘peppy’
Carly Zucker. Turns out Zeta Jones is despised in Dildo household and the strop
was more to do with Chelsea deciding to run out onto the pitch to the tune of ‘Carrie
doesn’t live here anymore’.
