The 2^nd Annual Destroya totty A-Z, Sponsored by Alcohol,

‘Alcohol, because the world’s less shit with a drink’.

By our art critic Brian Sewall

It was Confucius who said ‘Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it’.  Luckily, unlike Confucius, we live in a time of the Internet.  We can see beauty whenever we like, as well as videos of kittens doing the craziest things.

 If he had been knocking around today, would the Chinese teacher and philosopher look bewildered at modern society, the pace of life and the technology that controls us? No,  I suspect  old ‘Deep Thought’ would be kicking back eating Nandos, watching porn on his Ipad and wondering  how does Ashton Kutchner keep getting acting  jobs?

He would also be thinking ‘is Pauline Quirke really the most attractive lady with a surname beginning with Q’?

The new list is out and with no winners from last year allowed to enter, the competition was fierce. To make it even more interesting, and possible to placate Britney Spears who needs the publicity, Ammo suggested that Destroya will then have a face off between the 2011 and 2012 winners for what has been described by Total Impact Wrestling magazine, as ‘The Ultimate Square Circle death match’.  The Adult Channel has offered to cover the event if we make it mud wrestling. Destroya will work on that format over the next month but in the mean time here is the world’s hottest babes A-Z list, 2012.

A – Gemma Arterton.  On hearing the news, English Rose Arterton vowed to give up her burgeoning acting career and concentrate on her life’s calling of carving scale replica’s of the manhood’s of each Destroya ‘member’. She plans to display them in her front room. No one will be allowed in to see them though, as last time she had a latex doppelganger of Soakie’s knob, some crazed German women broke in wearing only a nylon negligee and demanding a private room to use said replica phallus to ‘deliver tea’.    

 
Arterton thinks about tea. 'hmmm.. Soakie Vest'.

B – Kate Beckinsale.  An interesting fact that Hugh Jackman let slip, is that when she is on set filming her Hollywood blockbusters, Beckinsale likes to relax by designing what she thinks the next Destroya album cover will look like. Being shy she never sends them to the band but instead puts them in a bottle and throws them into the sea, hoping that they will wash up on a desert island, and brighten the day of some stranded lost soul.

C- Thinking man’s totty Victoria Coren is still amazed at how Destorya turned around her life. Coren, who left school with only a GCSE in woodwork, puts the remarkable change in her life down to being taken in by Ammo Dump and Marc Virtual Dildo, in a sort of Pygmalion arrangement. Dildo laid a wager  with Dump that in 5 weeks he could turn her from someone destined for the check outs at Asda, into a well respected TV presenter of an intellectual game show on BBC4, columnist for the Guardian, panellist on QI, poker professional and to marry well know TV boffin actor David Mitchell.  Dump didn’t think he could do this, not TV stuff, newspaper stuff and poker stuff. No Dump didn’t think they could get Mitchell interested as he’s always been a brunette man.

 

 
Coren. Would be nowhere without Virtual Dildo or Dump!  

D- Zooeey Deschanel. ‘The 500 days of summer’ actress was once arrested for stalking Nicky Domefur. But it was her quirky good looks and vibrant character that got her the nomination and not the fact that she threatened to bunny boil Domefur’s mini lob rabbits.

 

 
Deschanel is Glen Close to Nicky Domefur's Michael Douglas.

E- In 2012 it could only be Jessica Ennis.  The Yorkshire beauty showed the world that you don’t have to look like a hairy arsed Bulgarian plumber to win gold.  Ennis admits that she hums the tune to ‘I think it’s time Captain Karl, pardon’ whilst running the 800m. This has led to a new range of Destroya running shoes being launched. Virtual Dildo has promised that in the New Year he absolutely will start to use them. Honest.


In honor of what she has done for the country, Destroya gave Ennis a golden burger. (no bun, too many carbs)

F- Anna Friel.  Always remembered for the first lesbian kiss on TV.  She also has to spell out each Destroya members name with her alphabetti spaghetti before she eats her tea. She will throw an almighty tantrum if she can’t find all the letters.  This led to Heinz offering a full Destroya name letter guarantee on each can.


Ruth, Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation, rejected Friel's new style umbrella.

G-Maggie Gylenhaal. Multi award winning actor Maggie shot to fame in the film ‘The Secretary’ as an S&M obsessed worker who embarks on a sordid relationship with her boss.  She admitted ‘It’s hard to be spanked by James Spader who is an annoying twat. I kept telling myself, ‘just pretend its Soakie Vest delivering the tea’’.

 H- Salma Hyak.  Ample chested Salma is a favourite of Destroya. It could be the smouldering Latin looks, the deep husky accent or it could be her well known love of rock music and being a devout follower of the Tao of Soakie Vest. Once received a Tea Caddy full of poisoned tea from one of Soakies stalkers.  The package was sent from Germany. Interpol are looking into it.

 

 
Hyak. A victim of one of Soakie Vest stalkers. Luckily she only drinks Coffee.

I-Ana Ivanovich is not really a surprise for the I.  The Serb tennis star was spotted by Scud Crater playing tennis at the local park. Scud then embarked on a scientific programme to turn Anna into the new tennis sensation.  For this the Serbian government have awarded Crater the freedom of Belgrade, a Yugo car which is 16 years old but has low mileage, and as much cabbage as he can eat any time he visits.  When asked to comment Crater said ‘I only wanted her to reproduce that 70’s poster. You know the one with the girl scratching her arse’.

J- Scarlett Johansson stunned Hollywood when she insisted that they base a series of films on the characteristics of Destroya. Crater is the Hulk, Ammo Dump is Mr Fantastic, Marc Virtual Dildo is Dr Love (this later became Dr Doom) and Iron Man is based on Soakie Vest and his iron liver. Apparently Nick Fury is based on Nicky Domefur although nobody can find any link between the two.

 K- Mila Kunis is delighted to have made the list this time.  After her muff munching of Natalie Portman in Black Swan led to the later being included in the 2011 list, Kunis quipped that having a face full of Domefur would be far more satisfying.

Kunis.  Ding Dong

 

L-Jennifer Lawrence is one of the rising stars in Hollywood. She admits she was confused when she got the script of The Hunger Games as she always assumed, as the rest of the world does, the hunger games are the quolloquial  name given to the various A-Z lists and games that Destroya make up. For that we love her and she’s in the list.

M-Rhona Mitra admits to being ‘chuffed to bits’ by her inclusion in this year’s list.  What’s the first thing she did when she heard? She got on the phone to call Charlize Theron to tell her how she was sooo last year. She hopes to take over the mantle of top Destroya totty. Like her hero’s Anastasia, Brittney and Naomi Ferris.

N-Rachel Nichols sports a tattoo with the legend ‘You’ll never be as good as Virtual Dildo’ just below the waist band area. She says it’s to throw down a challenge to potential lovers. She does admit that she has only ever seen MVD on TV, but his last appearance on Only Connect is on permanent loop on her TiVo box. 

Nichols. Wants more Dildo in her life.
 

 O is for Obama. The first lady takes the O.  An unconventional choice indeed but let it be said that Destroya have wide and varied tastes.  It will be interesting to see her take on last year’s champion, porn star Bree Olson in the ultimate death match.

P- Michelle Pfeiffer.  Like a fine wine that gets better with age Michelle has been wooing a certain Ammo Dump for many years now.  Watch the piano scene from The Fabulous Baker Boys in slow motion and you will notice in the crowd a young man with binoculars with his tongue out. That was Ammo making his first un-credited screen appearance. 

  
Pfieffer likes to perform whilst Ammo Dump watches.

Q-We asked Maggie Q for her reactions to winning.  She said ‘At last I get one up on Pauline fucking Quirke. For years that bee-atch has been beating me. I audition for Birds of a Feather , Quirke gets it despite me practising an Essex accent for 6 months. I put up with Hollywood Movies like Die Hard 4.0 whilst she lords on Emmerdale.  Have I been asked onto Loose Women? No.  I am going to get a Chelsea tattoo and learn to cook Finnish/Italian dishes and woo MVD. That will be my greatest victory over my Nemesis!

Miss Q practises meeting Pauline Quirke at the TV Quick soap awards, where she plans to fight her for Virtual Dildo's love.

R-Rachel Riley. An absolute Destroya nut. Rachel has all the albums, all the singles and seen all but 2 of the concerts. (Glasgow and Paris. She fucking hates Paris). She was disciplined by Channel 4 program Countdown, for always writing the answer Destroya.  Even when the letters are A,P,C,W,W,Q,Z,X,A,E,O Rachel looks to the camera and says I have an 8 letter word. The producers know what’s coming.  Has the lyrics to ‘Uncle Necrophilia’ sewn into all of her knickers.

 S-Alicia Silverstone was ‘Clueless’ in her break out role. She was also clueless when she accepted the lead role in the forgotten movie ‘North by Northvest’ where she played the barmaid. She still appears to be Clueless as she has accepted the role of lead dancer in the upcoming film ‘The Instigator’.  Dismember her softly Scud, dismember her softly.

 

Silverstone prepares for her role opposite Scud Crater.

T-Christy Turlington. The model beauty has been the face of Calvin Klien as well as Domefur BBQ sauce.  Her recent directorial debut for the well received documentary ‘No Women No Cry’ was inspired by the Soakie Vest documentary ‘No beer, I cry’, The Marc Virtual Dildo Documentary ‘No Women I cry’ and the Scud Crater documentary ‘No Minted lamb burger in a maize top bun, I’ll rip your fucking head off’.

U-Kate Upton.  A young lady who makes her living by taking her clothes off and modelling underwear.  Asked why this was her career choice she simply replied she knew that if she did enough bra adverts she would come to the attention of Scud Crater. Wearing a t-shirt with the logo ‘wear me like a hat’ might also have the same effect.



Upton haning around Egham with a minted lamb burger hoping to 'bump' into Scud Crater.

V-Dianna Vickers.  Why was ‘little voice picked? Dianna Vickers wears Destroya knickers!

 

 
Vickers. She only wears Virtual Dildo's knickers.

 

W-Olivia Wilde. Versatile Olivia has always been happy to accept a variety of roles but it seems the inspiration for accepting such an eclectic variety of jobs appears to be the press release from Ruth, Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation, for the upcoming 2013 film ‘The Instigator’.  Asked why she would be ideal for the film Wilde lists her ability to play straight, funny, serious and of course she has her own supply of industrial strength KY Jelly.

X-Shy and retiring Brazilian superstar Xuxa met Scud Crater and Marc Virtual Dildo back in the 90's at the priory. She, like them was suffering from chronic shyness. The course worked a treat and Xuxa regularly gets her arse out in public, builds mini towns from peoples left overs in restaurants and asks taxi drivers rude things in Urdu.


Scud Crater and Virtual Dildo inspired Xuxa to do this

Y-American singer song writer Rachel Yammagata is much like her hero, Ammo Dump. Kind, Cerebral and has a poster of Tony Yeboah on the back of her toilet door.

Z-After last year’s controversy surrounding Catherin Zeta-Jones, the suggestion of Carly Zucker was obvious.  Especially after she blurted out live of ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of her’ that whilst her boyfriend Joe Cole was fit he was not as fit as Scud Crater. Also revealing in a touching and candid moment that the thing she missed the most in the jungle, was watching her vintage VHS tapes of the original Wimpey and Pinky show.