By Oliver Kay
It seems that Soakie Vest has influenced more QPR managers then we initially thought. After Terry Venables revealed that Soakie had inspired a half time team talk that led to the Super Hoops thrashing Bolton Wanderers 7-1. We have now discovered that Ian Holloway lists ‘The Tao of Soakie’ as a major influence in his management style. Marc Bircham regularly drinks copious amount of beer with Soakie and Paulo Sousa has a tattoo of Soakie’s penis on his back. We now find that Soakie was a major influence in attracting Harry Redknapp to become the Rangers boss.
Redknapp takes up the story:
‘Well I had just left Totteringham after rescuing them
from certain relegation. I then transformed them into a team playing the best
football they had ever seen and almost very nearly winning the whole league. I
was the bloke who spotted Gareth Bale as well and gave him his chance. I know
every when will say it was Southampton, there another side I nearly led to the
title, who spotted Balesie and indeed Juande Ramos actually signed him 18
months before I joined the Spurz. But I
was the one who turned him into the player he is today. Everybody knows I’m a
genius with man management.
Any way I was signing on at the Poole doll office, when
my agent hears that Sparky Hughes has been sacked at the Rangers. Quick as a
flash he gets Sky Sports News to conduct an interview through the window of me Range Rover
and gets me to tell them I considering the role of national team manager of the
Ukraine. Old Tony Fernades gets in a right old state cause’ sky sports, the
tabloid papers and Talkspite Radio are all pointing out that employing me is a guarantee
to get out of relegation trouble. Don’t
believe Wikipedia as they list me getting Oxford City, Bournemouth, Portsmouth,
Southampton and West Ham relegated and leaving the clubs financially in the
shit after reckless spending.
So Tony is trying to sell it to me and apart from the huge
salary, enormous and unsustainable transfer kitty, plus the get out of jail
card of blaming Sparky if they do get relegated, he then lays down his trump
card, Rangers Super fan, Soakie Vest.
Now Soakie is a triffic triffic bloke but I’m still not
sure. So I asks me missus Sandra. She’s
a big fan of Destroya and she says I should take the job and then she’ll get to
meet him.
She’s met him now and they seem to have struck up a triffic triffic
friendship. Last week I got home early and Soakie was there. Apparently as well as being a rock superstar
he has his own business delivering tea. I asks her what so special about his
tea and she says it’s about the blending. I points out to her I’m a football
manager, explain it to me in footballing
terms. So she tells me he delivers the tea by going round the back, always
filling the hole and making sure he finishes up front with a happy ending.
So I tries this formation against Southampton and blow me
if we don’t go and win 2-1. Obviously I
tell everyone it was my idea. Next week
I asks Sandra how did Soakie deliver the tea this week. She says ‘the big on top, deep thrusts and
everyone finishing at the same time’. So I use this and we beat Reading
3-1. I think we are onto something
here. How did he deliver the tea this
week Sandra? Anally she says. We lose
3-2 to Aston Villa. Fucking Chris Samba, can’t follow a simple instruction.
Anal, I shouts. He just looks at me like
he doesn’t understand.
Any way this week she’s said Soakie will be ‘tying up the
opposition , which I understand, I don’t get the ‘hot candle wax’ bit. Still if wakes up Taraabt then I’ll give it a
try.
Soakie Vest. True fan, tactics genius and the best tea
delivery services this side of Fortnum & Mason’.
Harry tries to fit in at Chewbabba's Christmas Party.