Coming up with ideas

Presented with the artistic outpourings of his fellow band members, rock god Scud Crater became distracted from the continual routine of booze, fags and dismemberment.

His first thought was to develop the concept of spunk sculpture, but having discovered that the consistency of even his mighty gloppings were not enough to mould into any usable material he moved on to other techniques.

He came up with The Definitive Scud Crater A-Z of Spunk, having a Thomas The Tank over a picture of a celebrity of every letter of the alphabet and photographing them for a special coffee table book (with wipe clean pages so readers can join in the fun).

For the letter D he chose soap star sex queen Eileen Derbyshire - a move universally applauded by the rest of the band.

It prompted him to write a song Come On Eileen which he offered to the DESTROYA boys, but they and Dismemberment Records decided it was more suitable as a solo work.

It is likely to be included on his forthcoming Big In Japan, set for release in January.

The photographs are also going to be issued in the new year as a special fortnightly calendar and Scud has plenty of ideas for similar future spunk-orientated projects.