Matt Johnson: 'I don't know why Virtual Dildo hates me

Matt Johnson, lead singer of 80's alternative band 'The The' has admitted today that he is baffled by the 'hate campaign' by Marc Virtual Dildo. Johnson says 'We were just not that big. Every time he announces a new Destroya competition he always stipulates that the word 'the' is not allowed'.

The band who never actually managed a top 10 hit, but had several hits that charted between 35 and 100, admitted that despite this snub by Dildo they remain devoted Destroya fans and point to the fact the Johnny Marr once played for them as proof that they are a serious band. Johnson looks down at the membership card for the Clapham branch of the 'followers of Dr Love' and let's out a little cry of pain.

We confronted MVD about this and he said 'look, I checked with Domefur, Dump and Soakie, who know about that music stuff and they all agreed that The The were shit and not to worry myself about it.... So I won't'. Johnny Marr said 'they are shit! I was pissed and they recorded me taking a dmp and put it on a track so they could say 'oh look, Johnny Marr was on this track. We are serious musicians'. They are not fit to wipe the penis of the legioned that is Marc Virtual Dildo'.

Dr Love to fly solo

Its true, Marc Virtual Dildo is to release a solo album. Fans of Dildo, collectively called ‘the Friends of Dr Love’ have crashed the Culture of Destroya website looking for any information on the prospective release.

We can exclusively reveal that the album will be called ‘Tantric Tug’. Apart from title track, we know that other tracks are called ‘Angry Sex’, ‘American Pop Quizz = Rubbish’, ‘Tea Bagging’ and the 12 minute long track ‘Client, Customer, Colleague’.

Silvio Berlusconi and Sting have both reacted excitedly to the possibility that MVD will publicise tantric activities. Berlusconi said ‘Oh sì. Dildo virtuale del Marc di ringraziamenti. Ora tutte le ragazze 18yrs sapranno della gioia del sesso Tantric di Bunga Bunga!**

Sting said something irrelevant.

Silvio. Wants a duet with Virtual Dildo.

Simon Cowel has put panicked calls into Dismemberment Records in the fear that the release will stall sales of the X-Factor winners first single. It is unclear if MVD will release a single but we do know that Destroya plan to release a Christmas single entitled ‘Christmas dinner but no mushroom sauce’. Not so much a celebration song but more of a protest against corporate greed and trying to take advantage of the nations love of mushroom based condiments.

** for the non Italian speaker we have translated Berlusconi's comments: `Oh yes. Virtual Dildo of the Marc of thankses. Now all the girls 18yrs will know of the joy of the sex Tantric di Bunga Bunga!'

Exclusive T-Shirt range from Nicky Domefur

Nicky Domefur has released what he hopes will be the first in a range of exclusive t-shirts. Gok Wan, well know celebrity shirt lifter fashion bloke said 'I think its brilliant. It makes a statement. Its casual, you could wear it to the pub then pop on some pearls and your ready for formal wear.

Nicky had a slightly different reason. 'Its just sometimes when I have had a bottle of Jagermiester, I find talking difficult. The shirts are simply helpful statements to get me through till morning when my nurse arrives. Future shirts will include 'Large Donner with chili sauce/ salad.' 'Can I sleep in your bush" and 'Do you sell mang?'.

Available in Sizes L/XL/XXL and Fucking Huge

Ammo admitted that as Editor of the Destroya Sports TV show, it may have been a mistake to put Domefur in charge of captions. It seems Nicky has never forgiven America for crap beer, the Twilight films and Madonna.

Domefur lets himself go!

Domefur agreed with Ammo that winning the Unlimited Febo prize at the Thorpe Village Christmas raffle had meant he had put on a few pounds.

Nicky Domefur. Not looking so hot!

Man of the people, Virtual Dildo, helps out his fans.

Marc Virtual Dildo is always a man with his finger on the clitoris of public opinion. When the Walsall branch of 'The Dr Love Foundation' came down to Surrey, MVD knew that being in a place with both electricity and running water might prove confusing for them. So to help them find him at the Staines Regis meeting room he had hired for the 3 hour seminar on Perineum Massage, he put some subtle signage up to help guide them through the complex Crooked Billet roundabout.

Where is Marc Virtual Dildo?

Destroya Transport

Following on from the successful launch of the Destroya car, designed by Ammo Dump, Soakie Vest has submitted the plans for the new Destroya plane. Powered entirely by burp gas the new plane can fly from Thorpe Village to Rome on a long burp. The House of Commons have already put an order in for one of the planes for the Prime Minister to use. A spokesman said 'its perfect for Cameron as he is full of hot air'.