The return of Lydia's Juicy Burger!

 

 

'Toto, I've got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore’

By Marc Kermod

So in a departure from the normal Rock ‘n’ Roll nonsense that Destroya get up to when they meet up to record some tracks, last Friday the Boys popped into the Thorpe recording studios to discuss a commission to record the new soundtrack for the up coming Blockbuster ‘The Instigator’. The semi autobiographical story of Scud Crater.

Originaly scheduled for June 2013, the movie has been moved to the family friendly pre-Christmas slot of 12^th December.  A cast including Megan Fox as the wife, Zac Effron as the Son, Jessica Alba as the daughter, with Samuel L Jackson as Ammo Dump, Daniel Day Lewis as Soakie Vest, Gerrard Butler as Marc Virtual Dildo, Timmy Mallett as Nicky Domefur and Vince Vaughn as Scud Crater.

Guest  stars to include Lionel Blair, Denzel Washington, Ray Winston, The female cast members of Geordie Shore,  Dustin Hoffman, Ant but not Dec,  Daniel Craig, Uma Thurman, Kurstin Dunst, Charlieze Theron and Warrick Davies.

In order to get into the whole movie soundtrack thing, they decided to meet up and find out which movies they liked and which they could draw inspiration from in order to produce an award winning soundtrack as well as writing a potential song to win the Oscar© for’ best original song’. 

The mood was lightened by the fact that Lydia has come back to the Red Lion and was offering her juicy burger to nibble on to any one fancied it.  Naturally, as befits Rock Gods, they all devoured this offer and it was Soakie who commented that whilst Sarah’s and Chrissie’s burger where indeed very lovely, it was good to get his lips around Lydia’s again.

So what where the movies the boys liked?

In the category for 1900 – 1969

Scud: ‘The Pink Panther’

Soakie: ‘Carry on Screaming’
MVD: ‘ 12 Angry Men’
Ammo: ‘It’s a wonderful life’
Domefur: ‘From Russia with Love’

Its a wonderful life clip

 As always the first option when there is deadlock, is to seek the opinion of the waitress. The pained look was all we need to know.  She had not heard of any of the films! Domefur then remembered that whilst he loved Bond and ‘From Russia with Love’ is the best of all the Bonds, he had developed a severe allergy to all things Moscow.  He bottled it and said he would step aside and choose ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ as the winner.

 

1970 – 1979.

Scud: ‘Star Wars’

Soakie: ‘Young Frankenstein’
MVD: ‘Apocalypse Now’
Ammo: ‘Apocalypse Now’
Domefur: ‘The Godfather’

Star Wars - Original Trailer

 In accordance with the Internationally calibrated rules of Destroya competitions, duplicate answers mean those entries are disqualified.  As Ammo was still hitchhiking back from the G8 summit in Ireland and had phoned in his answers, it was left to Dildo to pronounce the genre changing and ground breaking  ‘Star Wars’ as film of the decade.

 1980 -1989

Scud: ‘The Shinning’

Soakie: ‘This is Spinal Tap’
MVD: ‘Raiders of the lost Ark’
Ammo: ‘Blade Runner’
Domefur: ‘Highander’

Highlander Trailer (You know the best film of the 80's!)

 With no duplicates and no one willing to submit that their entries where not as good as Highlander, and with the waitress already failing to offer any meaningful contribution except ‘Do you want any extra sauces’ , meant that for the first time this evening the it was declared a tie.

 1990 – 1999

 

Scud: ‘Happy Gilmore’

Soakie: ‘The Bone Collector’
MVD: ‘Pulp Fiction’
Ammo: ‘Love Field’ (I know, nobody else had heard of it either. It was Crater who mentioned that it must be a film starring Michelle Pfeiffer or a young Kirstin Dunst, (in which case Dump’s picture would be placed  high up on the wall of the Operation Yew tree incident room).
Domefur: ‘Jurassic Park’

Pulp Fiction Trailer

With the waitress now unable to offer anything other than do you want to see the desert menu, (no lumpy bumpy pudding on offer today) it was another tie 

2000 – Present

 

Scud: ‘Inglorious Basterds’

Soakie: ‘Paul’
MVD: ‘End of watch’
Ammo: ‘The Lord of the Rings, Return of Thomas Crapper’
Domefur: ‘Shrek’

Paul Trailer

Again with no winners, the boys will fight to the death to decide the winner.

The Wild Card

Scud: ‘Goldmember’

Soakie: ‘Start the revolution without me’
MVD: ‘The Godfather’
Ammo: ‘Being There’
Domefur: ‘Life of Brian’

The Godfather - Trailer

In light of the Decades with no winner, and the fact their where not enough rules and boundaries for MVD’s liking, the boys will meet over the summer and revisit this idea with no decade rules but simply their favourite in each movie genre. Drama, Action, Thriller, Foreign Language, Documentary, Musical, Comedy and of course Skin Flick/Jazz movie

He who must not be blamed

How Harry Redknapp take inspiration from a Destroya Legend
By Oliver Kay

 

It seems that Soakie Vest has influenced more QPR managers then we initially thought.  After Terry Venables revealed that Soakie had inspired a half time team talk that led to the Super Hoops thrashing Bolton Wanderers 7-1. We have now discovered that Ian Holloway lists ‘The Tao of Soakie’ as a major influence in his management style. Marc Bircham regularly drinks copious amount of beer with Soakie and Paulo Sousa has a tattoo of Soakie’s penis on his back.  We now find that Soakie was a major influence in attracting Harry Redknapp to become the Rangers boss.

Redknapp takes up the story:

‘Well I had just left Totteringham after rescuing them from certain relegation. I then transformed them into a team playing the best football they had ever seen and almost very nearly winning the whole league. I was the bloke who spotted Gareth Bale as well and gave him his chance. I know every when will say it was Southampton, there another side I nearly led to the title, who spotted Balesie and indeed Juande Ramos actually signed him 18 months before I joined the Spurz.  But I was the one who turned him into the player he is today. Everybody knows I’m a genius with man management.

Any way I was signing on at the Poole doll office, when my agent hears that Sparky Hughes has been sacked at the Rangers. Quick as a flash he gets Sky Sports News to conduct an interview through the window of me Range Rover and gets me to tell them I considering the role of national team manager of the Ukraine. Old Tony Fernades gets in a right old state cause’ sky sports, the tabloid papers and Talkspite Radio are all pointing out that employing me is a guarantee to get out of relegation trouble.  Don’t believe Wikipedia as they list me getting Oxford City, Bournemouth, Portsmouth, Southampton and West Ham relegated and leaving the clubs financially in the shit after reckless spending.

So Tony is trying to sell it to me and apart from the huge salary, enormous and unsustainable transfer kitty, plus the get out of jail card of blaming Sparky if they do get relegated, he then lays down his trump card, Rangers Super fan, Soakie Vest.

Now Soakie is a triffic triffic bloke but I’m still not sure. So I asks me missus Sandra.  She’s a big fan of Destroya and she says I should take the job and then she’ll get to meet him.

She’s met him now and they seem to have struck up a triffic triffic friendship. Last week I got home early and Soakie was there.  Apparently as well as being a rock superstar he has his own business delivering tea. I asks her what so special about his tea and she says it’s about the blending. I points out to her I’m a football manager,  explain it to me in footballing terms. So she tells me he delivers the tea by going round the back, always filling the hole and making sure he finishes up front with a happy ending.

So I tries this formation against Southampton and blow me if we don’t go and win 2-1.  Obviously I tell everyone it was my idea.  Next week I asks Sandra how did Soakie deliver the tea this week.  She says ‘the big on top, deep thrusts and everyone finishing at the same time’. So I use this and we beat Reading 3-1.  I think we are onto something here.  How did he deliver the tea this week Sandra? Anally she says.  We lose 3-2 to Aston Villa. Fucking Chris Samba, can’t follow a simple instruction. Anal, I shouts.  He just looks at me like he doesn’t understand.

Any way this week she’s said Soakie will be ‘tying up the opposition , which I understand, I don’t get the ‘hot candle wax’ bit.  Still if wakes up Taraabt then I’ll give it a try.

Soakie Vest. True fan, tactics genius and the best tea delivery services this side of Fortnum & Mason’.

 Harry tries to fit in at Chewbabba's Christmas Party.

 

Harry Redknapp was talking exclusively to anybody who would listen….. through the window of his Range Rover.

Destroya’s Album Wall of Fame 

 

As we all know ‘Welcome to the weekend of death’ is the number 1 greatest album of all time as voted for by Rolling Stone magazine, NME, Radio 6, Xfm, Good Housekeeping and of course Jugs magazine. But what albums do the Destroya boys like to listen to?  What would be the three favourite albums for each band member? 

Firstly we asked Marc Virtual Dildo. His response was classic Dildo. ‘Oh no.  It can’t be that easy.  You need rules otherwise Domefur will blissfully contemplate his choices and come back with three cracking answers involving obscure punk bands from the 80’s. We have to choose three but they must all be from different musical genres.’

So we worked out the genres and laid down the plans in front of MVD. ‘No no no. You got this all wrong. Rock, Punk, Indie, Metal, Classic Rock, slash metal, thrash metal, new wave, soft rock and Prog Rock are all easily recognised genres, but I need to both confuse and piss off Domefur.  If I am allowing titles beginning with ‘The’, I have to insist on some bewildering and confusing rules. Remember without rules we would all be French’.

So Rock encompassed pretty much all musical genres that Domefur listened to. The other choices where Pop, Classical, Country and Western and blue grass. So once Marc ‘Dark Lord, Rule Nazi’ Virtual Dildo had finished fannying around. We were ready to begin. We asked each member to give a brief synopsis of why each album meant so much to them.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as decided over burgers and beer in the Red Lion Recording Studio, let us present to you the Destroya Album Wall of Fame. (The Hyperlinks in blue under each album title is a video of a song from said album).

Album #1 Asia by Asia. As chosen by Soakie Vest

Asia - Heat of the Moment

A favourite in the Soakie Vest household. It’s also the album that inspired Vest to open a chain of Asian Fusion restaurants in the late 1990’s called ‘Soakie Vest’s house of mild chilli dishes’. The Album was released in 1982 to mixed reviews but it did stay at the top of the US billboard charts for 9 weeks and the band are hailed as leaders of the Rock/synth/perm acts from that time.

As for Vest and the now defunct eateries he explains. ‘It all started to go wrong when I insisted on having ‘Heat of the moment’ playing on a loop in the kitchens.  The chefs kept walking out. Also the waiting staff hated having to sing ‘Here comes the feeling’ when carrying the food out to the customers. Eventually with no staff and no customers, I sat all alone in the last restaurant in Pease Pottage in Sussex, drinking beer and singing ‘Without You’ and ‘Sole Survivor’. It seemed like the right time to close it all down.

Album # 2. Blonde on Blonde by Bob Dylan. As chosen by Ammo Dump

Rainy Day Women - Dylan

It is a well-known fact that without Ammo Dump, there would be no Bob Dylan. It’s 1966 and struggling Singer Song writer Bob is looking for new inspiration have only released 6 albums in the previous 4 years. The guy had serious writers block. Desperate for cash he took a job as a clown performing at children’s parties and then in early ’66 he went to the home of a young Ammo Dump for a 1 and half hour booking of face painting, juggling and pinning the tail on the donkey.  When he got there the rather serious 4 year old took him to one side and said ‘Listen Bob, when I need inspiration, I don’t dick about in the desert smoking pot and talking to animals. No I go straight to the bog with a copy of Mary Berry’s cake cook book. She might be 31 but she’s hot.  And she is blonde.  I love blondes.  When I grow up I hope I marry one. Now bugger off and don’t release your next album until its ready’. Sure enough less than 3 weeks later, Dylan released Blonde on Blonde. 

 

Album # 3. Thriller by Michael Jackson. As chosen by Scud Crater.

Michael Jackson - Thriller

So why did Scud choose this album? ‘Simple really. I inspired most of it.  It was the summer of 1981 and I bumped into Quincy Jones who was buying a pogo stick from the toy department in the Daniel of Windsor store.  ‘Hey Kid’ he asks, ‘Do you think a 24 yr. old with the mental age of a 9 yr. old would like this?’ ‘I have no idea’ says I ‘but as a young child can you, as a responsible grown up, might I ask you to help me. I have written some songs but don’t know what sort of tunes the words should be put to. I was thinking a soul base, but with disco over tones and the occasional use of rock guitar that would appeal to white middle class Americans. What do you think?’ ‘Let me take a look and I’ll get back to you’ said Jones. 

My songs where titled ‘Want to be shafting something’, ‘Lamb burger be mine’, ‘The kebab is mine’ (Possible duet with John Lennon), ‘chill R’, ‘Eat it’, and ‘Willie Jeans’.  To this day Jones has never got back to me or answered the letters of my solicitors.

 

Album # 4. Plastic Surgery Disasters by The Dead Kennedys. As chosen by Nicky Domefur

dead Kennedys Halloween.

This 1982 album by popular beat combo from the west coast of America.  Four very angry young men from California inspired one angry young boy from Middlesex. ‘Is this true Domefur, you where an angry boy when this album came out?’  ‘Angry. I was livid. 1982 was a dark period in the charts. My first band, The Spastic Aardvarks, had split up, having recorded no songs, or indeed not having written any songs and I felt at the age of 14, I was already on the musical scrap heap.  I really needed like-minded people to help me write great song titles, write great music and play our instruments superbly. 15 years later I would meet Ammo Dump and we do write great song titles so 1 out 3 isn’t bad’.

Album # 5. The Specials by The Specials. As chosen by Marc Virtual Dildo.

The Specials - Too Much to young

 

The late seventies and Britain has already witnessed the youth of day rebelling with the birth of the punk scene.  Then disenfranchised people who didn’t want to stick pins through their lips and dye their hair green found a new voice in the form of ‘Ska’. Why did MVD chose Ska over Punk?  ‘Easy. How many beautiful girls do you see with tattooed, pierced Mohawk wearing shouty boy?  Not many. But ska you not only get the music with a soul base to it, you also get to wear ‘tonic’ suits.  The ladies loved my tonic suits, very Goodfellas’. 

According to MVD’s brother, Gian(t) Virtual Dildo, when The Specials album came out, MVD spent more time listening to ‘Rock n Roll Juvenile’.

 

Album # 6. The Lexicon of love by ABC.  As chosen by Soakie Vest

ABC - Look of Love live

Album 6 and the 4^th album chosen by the band that was released in 1982.  It is a little known fact that Marc Virtual Dildo is a certified Lexicon of Love and has reached 4^th Dan black belt in Lexiconism.  This is not why Soakie chose this album though.  You see it reminds Soakie of the time he was a ball boy at Loftus Road. It was the heady days of plastic pitches and a sun tanned Terry Venables saw young Soakie just before half time in a match against Bolton in May. Venables takes up the story.  ‘I turned around and there was this fresh faced ball boy. He says to me ‘’I love football Mr Venables but I love music as well’’. So I says to him ‘listen son. At half time I’m going to sing my team talk in a Rat Pack stylie.  Do you fancy coming into the dressing and listen. Ian Gillard and big Bob Hazel are my backing singers. The cheeky scamp tells me I'd be better off signing a song from The Lexicon of Love as my vocal range is similar to Martin Fry’.  Venables continues 'In the end my team talk was just a rendition of The Look of Love. Peter Hucker and Gary Micklewhite cried their fucking eyes out.  We went back out and thumped Bolton 7-1.  Cheers Soakie’.

Album # 7.The Wall by Pink Floyd. As chosen by Scud Crater.

Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall

Scud, its turns out, did not spend his time boarding school tripping out to ‘The Wall’.  We had visions of him walking around Surrey and Berkshire with his Walkman blaring out ‘Good Bye Blue Skies’ whilst puffing on the new herbal cigarettes he had discovered.  Scud dismisses this and tells us the real reason why this album is in his top three.  ‘Look it’s as simple as this. Firstly no body walked around with a Walkman.  They weighed 9 lbs. each. Secondly at my school every Friday at 6.30pm the bell would sound for the Upper House boys to play the digestive game. If I wanted gravy on my biscuit it would be supplied by Bisto and not by Spotty Jenkins from 4D. So to drown out the 6.30 bell, I spent my entire life at school with Gilmore playing in my ears’.

Album # 8. Meat is Murder by The Smiths. As chosen by Nicky Domefur

Meat is Murder by the Smiths

Domefur was 16 when this was released and he admits that he thought Vegetarianism was something to do with being a vet. How naive. ‘Look I wasn’t the brightest, but this album really opened my eyes to what was happening in the world.  I would often sit in my bedroom with my headphones on, listen to this and contemplate the terrible way animals are killed for food, and what right did I have to go along with this.  Then my Mum would call me down for sausage and mash and I would pretty much forget all about it.  I still like to think of myself as a kind of vegetarian called avagetarian I just love the munching on vag. Now pass me the burgers’.

Album # 9. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. As chosen by Ammo Dump.

David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust

Ziggy is a concept album which is loosely based on a concept solo album, play, book and film by Ammo Dump called ‘The staggering highs and tragic lows of Tony Yeboah and Chewbabba from Kashyyyk ’.  Part of the reason Dumps' album never really took off, (it got to number 54 during its 4 week chart run), is there are lots of great song titles but little in the way of musical content. Indeed the tracks are in fact anecdotes of Ammo’s life.  Whilst the track listing is only 5 songs long the total running time is 2 weeks, 4 days, 9 hours and 32 minutes exactly.  Interestingly track 2 is the shortest story lasting 1 day, 12 hours, 29 minutes and 32 seconds in which Dump talks about meeting David Bowie.  BBC Radio 6 will be playing the album in its entirety in June of 2013. The Ziggy Stardust Album only lasts 38.37 minutes.

Album # 10. Faith by George Michael, as chosen by Marc Virtual Dildo

George Michael - Faith

When released in 1988, MVD was starting his training Berkshire school of Lotharios, hoping to get his doctorate in loving.  Dildo told us ‘this is a cracking album which blokes could listen to and girls would love as well.  I modelled myself on George at the time, leather jacket, aviators, tight tight jeans, the pink feather bower was a bit strange, but George was all man. We were like best mates. It’s like he was inside me, right behind me you know.  People always liked the way I sung his tunes. I suppose it was like he was in my mouth’.  

 

Album # 11. Both Sides by Joni Mitchell, as chosen by Soakie Vest

Joni Mitchel - Both sides now

Joni Mitchell is the Mother of Grant and Phil Mitchell from Eastenders. This album, released in 2000 was recorded in the UK in 2000.  This is where Joni Mitchell first met Soakie who was at the same studio doing voice over work for a radio ad for dog flea powder.   Indeed Soakie actually played the Penny Whistle on Joni’s title track Both Sides.  Soakie takes up the story.  ‘We hit it off straight away. She likes beer and I like beer and it turns out she is a huge fan of Paul Furlong. So I took her to Loftus Road for a match. Its turns out there are 2 Paul Furlongs and her one didn’t play for QPR.  Still she took pity on me and became a season ticket holder’.

It is rumoured that Mitchell has written a song for Soakies next solo album. The track is called ‘don’t bother sending me an email because I never respond’.

Album # 12. Rubber Soul by The Beatles, as chosen by Ammo Dump

Norwegian Wood

This album came to Dumps attention whilst he was at University studying Coprophilia . His dissertation titled ‘Come on, just flush it down the bog’, is still used as part of the course work.  Originally attracted to the album by the track Norwegian Wood, Ammo set about recreating all the tracks as he would like them arranged.  Using only a ‘Rolf Harris Stylophone’ a Waltham tape recorder and a very used C90 tape. He sent the tape to numerous record companies as a showcase for his producing skills. Picked up by Wildlife records, they repackaged it and sold to new age hippies as Whale song. Not quite what Dump intended but he did earn nearly £4.56 in royalties.  Enough for some mushroom sauce but not the burger.  Ammo has since found out that Norwegian Wood is not a Scandinavian porn film.

Album # 13. Band on the Run by Paul McCartney & Wings, as chosen by Marc Virtual Dildo.

Wings - Band On The Run

We have to thank MVD’s Mum and Dad for this one. For hidden in the Show tunes albums, discs for the Opera’s and of course Hard Core Finnish House Trance records, they had this little gem.  So we asked him what he thought of the record. ‘Well to be quite honest with you, I thought it was a Saturday morning cartoon series.  I envisaged that the’ band’ had done something wrong even though they were actually good guys. You know a sort of musical A-Team.  They were always ‘on the run’ but probably really helping people in small villages and town against some rich local land owner bully type.  After a couple of years of this strange childhood fantasy world I lived in, I then actually listened to the record and thought wow. My favourite tracks are Band on the Run and Jet of course.  Although I did love Mrs Vandebilt. Not the song but rather the Milf down the road. Or as I liked to call her Mrs Robinson. (see album # 10 for Dr Love explanation)

Album # 14. England Keep My Bones by Frank Turner, as chosen by Nicky Domefur.

Frank Turner - If Ever I Stray

‘So why do you like this album Nicky?’

‘I just do’

Album # 15. TBC by Scud Crater

 

  

The Ultimate A-Z of Destroya Babes

Pay per view might not be popular with the fans, by the Destroya A-Z of top totty/face off/death match proved to be the highest rated PPV event ever shown on CBBC channel.  After taking the cost of the broadcast, travel, health insurance and covering the extensive ‘riders’ asked for by all the lovelies, (Nobody asked for a fee, they all did it for Charity) there was an estimated profit of £2.2m from the event. Nearly all of it will go the ‘Feed the Spanish Donkey’s foundation set up by Destroya, minus of course the bands bar bill which did run to £2.199,934.41. So just £65.59 profit, but the cost of mushroom sauce at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas is very high indeed.

So after 12 hours of cat fighting, mudslinging, tears and tantrums, (This was mainly Ammo Dump when the ‘D’ category was voted for) the final all time A-Z list can be revealed.

 A. is for Alba, who likes it up the jacksie

B. is for Brook. She likes to pose in her underwear hoping that Scud Crater might kop a look.

C. is for Clancy. Not as intelligent of Coren but she does swallow.

D. is Deschannel. That’s right Deschannel. Not Dunst. (at this point Ammo completely lost it and smashed the place up. He couldn’t return to the voting for 3 weeks and refused to talk to the other band members.

 Dunst. Wishes she had be born with an image of Pier Morgan as a birth mark?

E. is for Ennis. Rear of the Year, Girl of the Year and Destroya Babe of the Year (in the E category).

F. is for Friel. You see, you don’t have to be a dirty little routny to catch the eye of Destroya

G. despite wanting to sniff Crater’s crater, the G went to Gylenhaal not to Kirsty Gallagher.

H. went to Salma Hayek.  This made Domefur very happy. Bouncy bouncy.

 

I. One time stalker of Soakie Vest wins the I category. Natalie Imbruglia. In a bizarre twist she has promised to deliver a whole caddy of tea to Soakie. I assume this means she’s on top.

J. Angelina Jolie celebrated this award by adopting Marc Virtual Dildo. He accepted this adoption as long as she promised to breast feed every day. Hhmmm.  Bitty

K. Domefur has promised to show Kunis all of the sights in Staines when she comes over to collect the award later in 2013. Sights that include the Charcoal Grill, Mr Wu’s and of course that rubbish club in the old telephone exchange at the back of Debenhams. Lucky girl.

L. Young, pert and talented Jenifer Lawrence beat 89 yr old Kelly Le Brook. Who would have thought it.

M. After what diplomats have labelled ‘Dunstgate’ Ammo Dump was placated by the news that Aussie pop poppet Kylie Minogue won the M. The fact that she promised to perform a floor show for him in the downstairs toilet of his Berkshire mansion at least bought the smile back to his face.

N. Rachel Nichols won this category. Championed by Soakie Vest, suspicion grew that ‘favours’ may have been given to secure the win. (Basically she agreed to be his personal concubine and bodyguard at the next Panasonic conference, with instruction not to let any members of German Mensa into his hotel suite).

 O. Bree Olsen has decided to give herself over to the cult of the dismemberment dance. If she can get to Level 4 of the dance she hopes this will impress Charlie Sheen enough to take her back.

Olson, Wants to discuss Neitzsche with Crater.

P. Ammo led the charge to get Michelle Pfeiffer as the confirmed ‘P’. She would have been the 3^rd corner of Dump’s square of horn. Sadly, although 2^nd corner Minogue, won,  as mentioned earlier corner # 1 Dunst,  was rejected.

Q. Having beaten Pauline Quirke to become the all time ‘Q’ in Destroya’s list Maggie Q has vowed to celebrate by having Marc Virtual Dildo’s face tattooed on her left breast with his lips over her nipple. She then plans to torment Qurike at the 2013 TV Choice awards by whipping out her booby and shouting ‘look bitch, Dildo’s suckling on Maggie’s titty now’.   

R. After the announcement that Rachel Riley is now the ultimate R, she celebrated by buying a flat that overlooks Ammo Dumps mansion in Berkshire. Every time Ammo and Ruth, Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation  go out, she likes to go into house and stroke the loo. She comments ‘Sometimes it’s still warm and I like to stroke the seat whilst marvelling on how one man can have so many back copies of Private Eye, record collector magazine, books by Kafka and of course Thomas Crapper’s autobiography.

S. Despite now looking like crack whore, Britney still managed to win enough of the Destroya vote to be the all time ‘S’.  Long time loyalist Scud Crater admitted it was a sympathy vote and nothing to do with Ms Spears’s recipe for spicy lamb on a bed of cuscus and the fact that she had agreed to finance a new series called ‘DJ Wimpey and Pinkie Sauce….. The Grown Up Years’. Spears was also to be corner # 4 in Ammo’s ‘square of horn’. Obviously it’s a now a triangle of horn as right angle #1 Dunst did not make the final list. (Best not mention it in front of Ammo again).

T. South African Beauty Charlize Theron is the ‘T’. When asked if she agreed with ‘Group’ sex, Charlize simply said ‘If the group is Destroya then I am all for it’.  Good point well said.

U. With only one contestant Kate Upton was always going to win her death match.  Mind you, stunning Kate loves lamb burgers, guitar based rock, poses in her underwear, loves ‘receiving tea’, Italian men, album based anecdotes and has a soft spot for Morrissey.  She was always going to win.

 Upton and her juicy burger.

V. In a travesty of justice  far greater than Kirsten Dunst not winning, Dianna Vickers beat Sofia Vergara.  This result led to a Domefur having a strop as big as when a Frenchman looked at his knob in the lavs in the Frog and Rosbif.

W is Rachel Weiss loves Destroya, and it seems 60% of Destroya loves Rachel.

X. In a total shock Brazilian fun loving singer and arse model Xuxa beat Chinese top totty Zhou Xun in what observers are calling ‘The battle of the ladies we’ve never heard of’.

Y. Beautiful Odette Yustman appeared in the video of ‘Parisian chestnut vendor, Do you sell mang?’ Rachel Yamagatta writes songs about  vegetarianism. There was only ever going to be one winner.

Z. After the strops by Dump and Domefur it seemed that MVD was having a hissy fit when Catharine Zeta Jones was dumped for the ‘peppy’ Carly Zucker. Turns out Zeta Jones is despised in Dildo household and the strop was more to do with Chelsea deciding to run out onto the pitch to the tune of ‘Carrie doesn’t live here anymore’. 

The 2^nd Annual Destroya totty A-Z, Sponsored by Alcohol,

‘Alcohol, because the world’s less shit with a drink’.

By our art critic Brian Sewall

It was Confucius who said ‘Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it’.  Luckily, unlike Confucius, we live in a time of the Internet.  We can see beauty whenever we like, as well as videos of kittens doing the craziest things.

 If he had been knocking around today, would the Chinese teacher and philosopher look bewildered at modern society, the pace of life and the technology that controls us? No,  I suspect  old ‘Deep Thought’ would be kicking back eating Nandos, watching porn on his Ipad and wondering  how does Ashton Kutchner keep getting acting  jobs?

He would also be thinking ‘is Pauline Quirke really the most attractive lady with a surname beginning with Q’?

The new list is out and with no winners from last year allowed to enter, the competition was fierce. To make it even more interesting, and possible to placate Britney Spears who needs the publicity, Ammo suggested that Destroya will then have a face off between the 2011 and 2012 winners for what has been described by Total Impact Wrestling magazine, as ‘The Ultimate Square Circle death match’.  The Adult Channel has offered to cover the event if we make it mud wrestling. Destroya will work on that format over the next month but in the mean time here is the world’s hottest babes A-Z list, 2012.

A – Gemma Arterton.  On hearing the news, English Rose Arterton vowed to give up her burgeoning acting career and concentrate on her life’s calling of carving scale replica’s of the manhood’s of each Destroya ‘member’. She plans to display them in her front room. No one will be allowed in to see them though, as last time she had a latex doppelganger of Soakie’s knob, some crazed German women broke in wearing only a nylon negligee and demanding a private room to use said replica phallus to ‘deliver tea’.    

 
Arterton thinks about tea. 'hmmm.. Soakie Vest'.

B – Kate Beckinsale.  An interesting fact that Hugh Jackman let slip, is that when she is on set filming her Hollywood blockbusters, Beckinsale likes to relax by designing what she thinks the next Destroya album cover will look like. Being shy she never sends them to the band but instead puts them in a bottle and throws them into the sea, hoping that they will wash up on a desert island, and brighten the day of some stranded lost soul.

C- Thinking man’s totty Victoria Coren is still amazed at how Destorya turned around her life. Coren, who left school with only a GCSE in woodwork, puts the remarkable change in her life down to being taken in by Ammo Dump and Marc Virtual Dildo, in a sort of Pygmalion arrangement. Dildo laid a wager  with Dump that in 5 weeks he could turn her from someone destined for the check outs at Asda, into a well respected TV presenter of an intellectual game show on BBC4, columnist for the Guardian, panellist on QI, poker professional and to marry well know TV boffin actor David Mitchell.  Dump didn’t think he could do this, not TV stuff, newspaper stuff and poker stuff. No Dump didn’t think they could get Mitchell interested as he’s always been a brunette man.

 

 
Coren. Would be nowhere without Virtual Dildo or Dump!  

D- Zooeey Deschanel. ‘The 500 days of summer’ actress was once arrested for stalking Nicky Domefur. But it was her quirky good looks and vibrant character that got her the nomination and not the fact that she threatened to bunny boil Domefur’s mini lob rabbits.

 

 
Deschanel is Glen Close to Nicky Domefur's Michael Douglas.

E- In 2012 it could only be Jessica Ennis.  The Yorkshire beauty showed the world that you don’t have to look like a hairy arsed Bulgarian plumber to win gold.  Ennis admits that she hums the tune to ‘I think it’s time Captain Karl, pardon’ whilst running the 800m. This has led to a new range of Destroya running shoes being launched. Virtual Dildo has promised that in the New Year he absolutely will start to use them. Honest.


In honor of what she has done for the country, Destroya gave Ennis a golden burger. (no bun, too many carbs)

F- Anna Friel.  Always remembered for the first lesbian kiss on TV.  She also has to spell out each Destroya members name with her alphabetti spaghetti before she eats her tea. She will throw an almighty tantrum if she can’t find all the letters.  This led to Heinz offering a full Destroya name letter guarantee on each can.


Ruth, Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation, rejected Friel's new style umbrella.

G-Maggie Gylenhaal. Multi award winning actor Maggie shot to fame in the film ‘The Secretary’ as an S&M obsessed worker who embarks on a sordid relationship with her boss.  She admitted ‘It’s hard to be spanked by James Spader who is an annoying twat. I kept telling myself, ‘just pretend its Soakie Vest delivering the tea’’.

 H- Salma Hyak.  Ample chested Salma is a favourite of Destroya. It could be the smouldering Latin looks, the deep husky accent or it could be her well known love of rock music and being a devout follower of the Tao of Soakie Vest. Once received a Tea Caddy full of poisoned tea from one of Soakies stalkers.  The package was sent from Germany. Interpol are looking into it.

 

 
Hyak. A victim of one of Soakie Vest stalkers. Luckily she only drinks Coffee.

I-Ana Ivanovich is not really a surprise for the I.  The Serb tennis star was spotted by Scud Crater playing tennis at the local park. Scud then embarked on a scientific programme to turn Anna into the new tennis sensation.  For this the Serbian government have awarded Crater the freedom of Belgrade, a Yugo car which is 16 years old but has low mileage, and as much cabbage as he can eat any time he visits.  When asked to comment Crater said ‘I only wanted her to reproduce that 70’s poster. You know the one with the girl scratching her arse’.

J- Scarlett Johansson stunned Hollywood when she insisted that they base a series of films on the characteristics of Destroya. Crater is the Hulk, Ammo Dump is Mr Fantastic, Marc Virtual Dildo is Dr Love (this later became Dr Doom) and Iron Man is based on Soakie Vest and his iron liver. Apparently Nick Fury is based on Nicky Domefur although nobody can find any link between the two.

 K- Mila Kunis is delighted to have made the list this time.  After her muff munching of Natalie Portman in Black Swan led to the later being included in the 2011 list, Kunis quipped that having a face full of Domefur would be far more satisfying.

Kunis.  Ding Dong

 

L-Jennifer Lawrence is one of the rising stars in Hollywood. She admits she was confused when she got the script of The Hunger Games as she always assumed, as the rest of the world does, the hunger games are the quolloquial  name given to the various A-Z lists and games that Destroya make up. For that we love her and she’s in the list.

M-Rhona Mitra admits to being ‘chuffed to bits’ by her inclusion in this year’s list.  What’s the first thing she did when she heard? She got on the phone to call Charlize Theron to tell her how she was sooo last year. She hopes to take over the mantle of top Destroya totty. Like her hero’s Anastasia, Brittney and Naomi Ferris.

N-Rachel Nichols sports a tattoo with the legend ‘You’ll never be as good as Virtual Dildo’ just below the waist band area. She says it’s to throw down a challenge to potential lovers. She does admit that she has only ever seen MVD on TV, but his last appearance on Only Connect is on permanent loop on her TiVo box. 

Nichols. Wants more Dildo in her life.
 

 O is for Obama. The first lady takes the O.  An unconventional choice indeed but let it be said that Destroya have wide and varied tastes.  It will be interesting to see her take on last year’s champion, porn star Bree Olson in the ultimate death match.

P- Michelle Pfeiffer.  Like a fine wine that gets better with age Michelle has been wooing a certain Ammo Dump for many years now.  Watch the piano scene from The Fabulous Baker Boys in slow motion and you will notice in the crowd a young man with binoculars with his tongue out. That was Ammo making his first un-credited screen appearance. 

  
Pfieffer likes to perform whilst Ammo Dump watches.

Q-We asked Maggie Q for her reactions to winning.  She said ‘At last I get one up on Pauline fucking Quirke. For years that bee-atch has been beating me. I audition for Birds of a Feather , Quirke gets it despite me practising an Essex accent for 6 months. I put up with Hollywood Movies like Die Hard 4.0 whilst she lords on Emmerdale.  Have I been asked onto Loose Women? No.  I am going to get a Chelsea tattoo and learn to cook Finnish/Italian dishes and woo MVD. That will be my greatest victory over my Nemesis!

Miss Q practises meeting Pauline Quirke at the TV Quick soap awards, where she plans to fight her for Virtual Dildo's love.

R-Rachel Riley. An absolute Destroya nut. Rachel has all the albums, all the singles and seen all but 2 of the concerts. (Glasgow and Paris. She fucking hates Paris). She was disciplined by Channel 4 program Countdown, for always writing the answer Destroya.  Even when the letters are A,P,C,W,W,Q,Z,X,A,E,O Rachel looks to the camera and says I have an 8 letter word. The producers know what’s coming.  Has the lyrics to ‘Uncle Necrophilia’ sewn into all of her knickers.

 S-Alicia Silverstone was ‘Clueless’ in her break out role. She was also clueless when she accepted the lead role in the forgotten movie ‘North by Northvest’ where she played the barmaid. She still appears to be Clueless as she has accepted the role of lead dancer in the upcoming film ‘The Instigator’.  Dismember her softly Scud, dismember her softly.

 

Silverstone prepares for her role opposite Scud Crater.

T-Christy Turlington. The model beauty has been the face of Calvin Klien as well as Domefur BBQ sauce.  Her recent directorial debut for the well received documentary ‘No Women No Cry’ was inspired by the Soakie Vest documentary ‘No beer, I cry’, The Marc Virtual Dildo Documentary ‘No Women I cry’ and the Scud Crater documentary ‘No Minted lamb burger in a maize top bun, I’ll rip your fucking head off’.

U-Kate Upton.  A young lady who makes her living by taking her clothes off and modelling underwear.  Asked why this was her career choice she simply replied she knew that if she did enough bra adverts she would come to the attention of Scud Crater. Wearing a t-shirt with the logo ‘wear me like a hat’ might also have the same effect.



Upton haning around Egham with a minted lamb burger hoping to 'bump' into Scud Crater.

V-Dianna Vickers.  Why was ‘little voice picked? Dianna Vickers wears Destroya knickers!

 

 
Vickers. She only wears Virtual Dildo's knickers.

 

W-Olivia Wilde. Versatile Olivia has always been happy to accept a variety of roles but it seems the inspiration for accepting such an eclectic variety of jobs appears to be the press release from Ruth, Head of Destroya PLC/Corporation, for the upcoming 2013 film ‘The Instigator’.  Asked why she would be ideal for the film Wilde lists her ability to play straight, funny, serious and of course she has her own supply of industrial strength KY Jelly.

X-Shy and retiring Brazilian superstar Xuxa met Scud Crater and Marc Virtual Dildo back in the 90's at the priory. She, like them was suffering from chronic shyness. The course worked a treat and Xuxa regularly gets her arse out in public, builds mini towns from peoples left overs in restaurants and asks taxi drivers rude things in Urdu.


Scud Crater and Virtual Dildo inspired Xuxa to do this

Y-American singer song writer Rachel Yammagata is much like her hero, Ammo Dump. Kind, Cerebral and has a poster of Tony Yeboah on the back of her toilet door.

Z-After last year’s controversy surrounding Catherin Zeta-Jones, the suggestion of Carly Zucker was obvious.  Especially after she blurted out live of ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of her’ that whilst her boyfriend Joe Cole was fit he was not as fit as Scud Crater. Also revealing in a touching and candid moment that the thing she missed the most in the jungle, was watching her vintage VHS tapes of the original Wimpey and Pinky show.

It’s that time of the year when the Babes of the world start waxing, pruning and of course flirting in the hope that they will be chosen for the 2012 Destroya Babes A-Z list.

The main news is that in conjunction with the UN, Destroya have announced that none of the winners of the 2011 competition qualify for this years list, and as such ladies as stunning as Jessica Alba, Sofia Vergara, Heidi Klum and Pauline Quirk will not feature this year.

Nicky Domefur who runs the competition on behalf of Destroya plc/corporation said ‘Tough, they have to get over it.  There are a lot of ladies out there and it’s only fair on the rest of the female population that we rotate the women. Hey that sounded like the instructions for the dismemberment dance’! 

He continued ‘In addition I shall be a lot tougher this year and have noted complaints made by China, France and Echo & The Bunnymen as to entries put in by Dump and Virtual Dlido last year. France complained that Dump’s entry for Odette Yustman is invalid as she now uses her married name of Annable and has done since 2010. In protest of this, and I really can’t think of any rationale  for this protest,  they will set fire to 4 trucks carrying Welsh lamb.  The Chinese have made an official complaint about the lack of winner for the ‘U’ surname, plus the winner of the ‘Z’ surname and the ‘Q’ surname pointing out that they have 1,326 actresses with a surname beginning with ‘U’,  3,918 actresses with a surname beginning with ‘Q’ of which, they claim,  at least 67 are better actresses than Pauline Quirke, and that they have 28,417 actresses with surnames beginning with a ‘Z’. (Although they admit that only 28,249 of those actresses are better than Catherine Zeta Jones)’.

Dump.. 'Yustman' a figment of his imagination?

‘Also, and I must stress no personal interest in this protest, Echo & The Bunnymen have protested about the entry championed by MVD for the letter ‘L’.  They point out, and with some justification, that their single ‘The Killing Moon’,  which is one of the greatest records of all time, was disqualified from the Destroya A-Z of singles, by Virtual Dildo, because of his Nazi like puritanical rule regarding the use of a ‘The’.  They have correctly highlighted that Kelly ‘Le’ Brock translates as Kelly The Brock, and they summarise that MVD was being a sneaky little shit and by submitting this entry he was effectively laughing in the face of Domefur, and indeed the whole of Great Britain’.

 Virtual Dildo. Double Standards?

 

Domefur finishes by adding 'I would also like to accept the honour bestowed upon me by the French Government and accept the title of ‘Commandant de la 1ère classe et maître de la Mang.  I look forward to compiling the list on November 10 when many juicy burgers shall be discussed. Then after ordering our food we shall compile the 2012 list and if we have time discuss the Destroya movies that never got made’.