Stuff the Oscar’s, The Destroya’s means something. The awards that Hollywood really want to win.By our art critic Brian Sewell
February is traditionally awards season for the lush floosies in Hollywood but instead of the Kodak Theatre, the Limos where filling up the car park at the Red Lion in Thorpe Village and the stars had their noses pressed up against the pub windows trying to get a clue as to who was going to win the first ever gongs in the inaugural A-Z Destoya film list.
I can exclusively reveal the final list. Amazingly no films starting with a ‘The’ made the list. It’s almost like somebody put together loads of stupid rules or something.
Also there is an A-Z list of adult films based on actual movies. So in addition we are pleased to announce The Robinets for the adult films A-Z list.
Aliens: One of the few sequels that is actually better than the original. Amazingly the films designers based the Aliens on the Strippers in Le Pegalle in Paris. Rough is not the word.
American Cherry Pie. A film about young ladies losing their cherries. Why someone wants to watch a film about teenagers losing the key ingredient in a fruit salad is beyond me.
Being There: Simple minded man starts to run the country. The film is not a biography about George W Bush but Peter Seller’s as a man whose only understanding of the outside world is based on what he sees on TV. Much like 80% of today’s teenagers.
‘
Buttman, The caped invader’. I assume a low budget action movie centred on a park cleaner that won’t rest until his park is clear of cigarette butts….. Probably.
Carlito’s Way: Al Pacino and Sean Penn in a movie about Puerto Rican crook who gets out of jail and wants to go straight. It’s not about Carl Itol, a tyre fitter from Basildon and his way of balancing a tyre using only a banana and a teaspoon.
Charlie and the Chocolate Hole Factory. I’m not going to make this up. It’s about pooper sex.
Deuce Bigalo, Male Gigolo. OK. A newspaper editor and a director of an international exhibition company voted for this. Two normally very intelligent men! It’s based on a true story with multi Oscar winning Daniel Day Lewis in the lead role. Scrub that. It stars Rob Schneider and was reviewed thus: ‘Tasteless’. New York Times. ‘Bad Acting, Bad Script, Bad Directing’. Variety. ‘How low can cinema go’? Daily Mail. ‘Brilliant, Best movie since Zabriskie Point. 5*’. Slough Express
Deeper Impact. The tag line goes like this. 9inches, 12inches the whole 2 foot. One woman, one donkey, lots of lube.
Easy Rider. The Dennis Hopper tour de force. Co-starring either Jane, Peter or Kevin Fonda, we can’t remember which.
Erin Fuck my Bitch. A promotional video by women’s rights group, Sluts Video Inc.
Four Weddings and a Funeral. Starring Hugh Grant who, when arrested in LA for paying a lady called Divine Brown (like that’s her real name) to munch on his lunch, used the excuse that he forgot he was in LA and thought he was in Calais and simply stopped to ask the lady ‘where is my tap?’
Flesh Gordon. I have viewed this tape 94 times now both in normal speed and super slowmo, and I can’t find the scene with Brian Blessed.
Gladiator. When John Barnes scored ‘that goal’ for England against Brazil he dinned off it for the rest of his career. Russell Crowe is attempting to do the same on this movie.
The Gland Father. Classic story of gangs, Mafia and a man with a 12 inch penis.
It’s a wonderful Life. The classic tale of a man who marries a sex mad supermodel, wins the lottery, his football team never loses again and he buys the Red Lion in Thorpe and hires Sarah to read Kafka to him.
Iron Rod Man. Simply a man who’s cock is made of iron. Let’s hope he doesn’t rust.
Jaws. This won the adult award as well, but this version involves a man eater. Again this could be used to describe the adult movie. The man eater opens its mouth and drains the victim of their fluid, again both films. The men’s fluid leaves stains everywhere. Again both films. The shark also takes it up the arse. That might not be in the final cut of the Spielberg version but it’s in the director’s cut.
Jaws. See above, except in this film pretty much everyone takes it up the arse.
King Kong (original).. ‘What ever happened to Fay Wray, That delicate satin draped frame, as it clung to her thigh, how I started to cry, because I wanted to dressed just the same’. The 1933 film not the overly long tedious 2005 version, or the thoroughly underrated Jeff Bridges 1976 film.
King Dong. As if any man has an 18 inch cock. Also no woman would want it near her. It’s not the size it’s what you do with it, as I have heard on many occasions.
Couldn’t remember the ‘L’
Suck my
LETHAL WEAPON. Do you really need me to tell you what this story is about!
Monty Python’s Holy Grail. There are several films in the adult section about Monty’s Python but this one is about a the wacky Monty Python Boys and their search for the Holy Grail, of a pub serving fine larger, great burgers with lovely waitress called Sarah, but not charging there regular customers £1.50 for mushroom sauce.
The Dominatrix. Based loosely on the nerd fest
Matrix trilogy, this film seems to be fetish based slow motion whip action
Natural Born Killers. I believe this was a documentary about the last Spice Girls tour.
A Nightmare on Cum Street. The blurb on the box reads ‘What happens when you fall asleep and dream about cocks! Cindy does not know the difference between reality and dreams when Freddy fucks her every way possible. A climax of 12 cocks and a whole bucket of cum’. I’m sold.
O Brother where art thou! The Cohen brothers in a classy, intelligent film starring George Clooney. Not the sort of film you would associate with Destroya. (See ‘P’ for exactly the sort of film you would associate with Destroya.
Oceans of Cum 11. Not based on the Clooney/Pitt star vehicle at all. Just volume 11 of the Oceans of cum series. That’s close enough for me
Porkies. Far better and funnier than the rival film released at the same time by the Vegetarian Society called ‘Quornies’. Porkies had an unknown cast in what is regarded as the seminal teen movie. A 1982 release it spurned 2 sequels, Porkies 2 and Porkies Revenge. Neither of which were as funny nor did as well at the box office. The only actor of any note in the cast was Kim Cratrell, whose character drops her knickers and shags whilst howling like a banshee. She still does pretty much the same thing with all the characters she has played since then, only now, 30 years later, teenage boys no longer want to masturbate whilst watching her, just throw up.
Planet of the Gays. ‘Straight man crashes his space ship back to earth, only to find his is on a strange planet where everyone is gay. After being forced to perform acts unnatural to him on the Gay leaders, he realises, he is not on a strange planet, but he has crashed in San Francisco’.
Quadrophenia. British rites of passage movie starring Phil Daniels, Lesley Ash (when she didn’t look like a fish) and in a staggering piece of miscasting, Sting plays the Ace Face. Coolest of the Mods. He was already 57 when the film came out and was about as uncool as a barbeque on full heat.
Q. No Adults Film related Q’s.
Raging Bull. Better than Rocky, well that’s open to debate, but this was an Oscar nominated Martin Scorsese classic starring of course Kim Catrell as the girl who takes off her knickers and shags a lot. Actually that might be a different film. This one could be Robert Di Niro. I get so confused between those two.
Raiders of the lost Arse. Couldn’t see the blurb about this film. It’s either a moving Disney style story of Donkey, but spelt the American way, or its 82 minutes of nonstop cock in bum hole action.
Schindler’s List. The Spielberg Oscar Winning Epic that stars Liam Neeson as the titular character. Neeson owns a lift factory just outside Dortmund and this 3 and half hour marathon of film, documents his struggle to make the perfect lift. Quiet but also fast and safe. All the in face of Nazi oppression, who want him to produce great toasters instead. I think that’s it.
Shaving Ryan’s Privates. Some bloke called Ryan gets his pubes shaved by several hot looking girls who run a genital area grooming service….. I assume.
This is Spinal Tap. It’s almost like a documentary about Destroya. Which is of course crazy, although there is a story doing the rounds that Derek Smalls is in fact the birth father to all the members of Destroya and this is why they were drawn together to form their own rock super group.
The Texas Dildo Massacre. Dildos, Mang and KY jelly. Instead of Leather face there is a character called leather pussy. Sounds attractive.
OK I have had enough now. Other films in the A-Z list where Vertigo, West Side Story, X-Men last stand and just to be bloody minded, and in what can only be described and his Zhou Xun moment, Ammo got Zabriskie Point in as the Z
One final mention for the adult film list was the ‘Y’ entry which sounds like it was titled by Ammo Dump. You, Me, Dupree and Bob. (One women, three men and three holes).
Virtual Dildo. Double Standards?
