I predict a riot!

Comment by staff reporter Felicity Le Travail de Coup

The disgraceful scenes in Tottenham, as we know, led to copy cat rioting in other areas of the UK, although it was not in protest, these other 'riots' seem to be people going on a mass looting spree. Many stories have emerged of shops loosing there entire stock, but even more shocking is that organised gangs targeted the homes of the members of rock super group Destroya.

The following images have been released by the police urgently needing to identify these vicious criminals.

Acting Chief Inspector Clunge, of New Scotland Yard commented 'we would all like a bit of Destroya, but these idiots should know that any disruption the calm balanced lives of Destroya could put into doubt the plans for the forthcoming album and tour.* Don't they know how difficult it is to get the band members into the same room together. The hope that a new album will be here soon is all that a lot of us have to live for'!

Please look at the images below and if you know these people contact the police or take matters into your own hands and seek retribution.

This lady seen sneaking away from Ammo

Dumps House.

This lady munching her way through

Scud Craters supply of minted lamb burgers

This dog seen leaving MVD's penthouse with

the original and priceless virtual dildo.

This man leaving Nicky Domefur's house

with his BBQ recipe book

How about this man seen leaving Soakie Vests

Mansion with Soakie's lucky pants that used

to belong to Les Ferdinand.

If you have any information about these terrible, terrible people, call crime stoppers on 0845 69696969.

* the new destroya album and tour may take place sometime between now and 2014. (it won't be in Paris so don't get your hopes up Frenchies. You had your chance and you blew it...... for 3 times more then you said it cost).

From Johannsons Press Clipping Service

To Ruth. M.D. Destroya Corporation

11/7/11

Ruth, Only one mention of Destroya in the final edition of NOTW. They do want to talk about the licensing deal to replace it with Destroya on Sunday, a tabloid with tits, scandal, sport, tits and poetry.

From NOTW

Final Edition 10/7/11

Fun Spot:

'Derek Pilkington from Manchester got into to trouble with the Law... and his wife when he misunderstood the instructions to do the 'Destroya Dismemberment Dance'. 'It says quiet clearly wear the pussy on your head' said the bemused idiot. A spokeswomen for Destroya plc said 'Mr Pilkington is quite clearly a Pratt!'

Pilkington.. Pratt

Memo

From Chief Inspector Kevin Gusset

To PM

July 13th 2009

Dear PM, Further to your request I have had our officers look into the notes of Glen Mulcaire and can confirm there does indeed seem to have been some hacking of the Destroya mobile phones. It seems the main target was Scud Crater. Transcript of the intercepted messages as follows:

Message 1) Mr Crater, its Barry at Top Hat Dry Cleaning. Mate I put the trousers through 3 times. That stain aint coming out!

Message 2) Scud, Its Ammo. I have a great idea for a new song about the political unrest in South East Asia. Its called 'shall I flick your greasy marble with the tip of my tongue Mrs Wong'. I have no words or indeed music for it but the title is a winner'.

Message 3) Scud, its Nicky. I am at the Wimpy. Do you want a bender in a bun as well as the Wimpy half pounder? Hang on a second... (talking to another person) of course I want diet cokes you prick. Do I look like a fucking rugby player... Sorry Scud, the Benders are off. Back in about 10minutes'.

Message 4) Mr Crater, its Brian Wiglesworth from Peppermint Hippos' in Slough. Thanks for visiting last night. Your custom is always welcome. Umm, our dancers. We appear to have several missing. I was wondering in you know what happened to them?

Message 5) Scud Baby, its Chantelle from Peppermint Hippos'. Thanks for last night. You were right. The liberal use of KY jelly did make being worn like a hat a lot less painful this time. My Diaphragm is still hanging down by my knees though.

Message 6) Scud, Its Soakie. A more nuanced version of the view we discussed yesterday adds some financial accelerators, or perhaps we should now call them decelerators. We obviously had a series of bank runs in mid-September, but not just by small depositors and not just on banks. We also had a situation where falling values for collateral triggered more asset sales (either for accounting reasons or due to market pressure of various kinds), and this led to further lowering of collateral..... These are my opening remarks for the IMF Christmas Party. Should I go with this or tell the joke about Katie Price's kid and chromosomes that MVD told us?

Message 7) Scud, Its Lydia. You have not licked my Juicy Burger for ages. When are you coming down to the Red Lion again?

Message 8) Scud its Ammo, got another one. Its a mixed metaphor type thing for Joe Orton and modern society reliance on reality tv type stuff. Its called 'Put down the hammer Geri Halliwell, Edna Wellthorpes coming for ya!' Again I don't have any lyrics or music but the titles a start.

Message 9) Scud, Its Marc. Got this great website for you. its www.x9nww92t5hblkb*%2@±±§§=;;.com. Its brilliant. Its much better than www.[oivc50187hiub:;)) kjpijab[pij @£!£&(^%$&)```~~~"?LM<.com.

Message 10) Mr Crater sir, Its Adul from Egham Tandoori. Just to let you know your order comes to £1,269.32 and will be with you within 20 minutes or you get the Poppadoms on us. Thank you come again.

For the sake of the nation the NOTW has agreed not to publish any of the above.

Yours

Kevin Gussett

Melvin Bragg talks with Ammo Dump

Pictures: (Left to right) Crapper, Toilet (below left) Dump

An exclusive interview between Sir Melvin Bragg and Ammo Dump:

In the Biog of Ammo Dump, his list of heroes is endless, and all carry amusing and very very long anecdotes. The list contains all the names you would expect, Don Revie, Tony Yeboah, Franz Kafka, Dave Brock, Peter Gabriel, Ernesto Guevara and the bloke who invented Krispy Kreme doughnuts. But two of the names on the list will surprise people. John Harrington and Thomas Crapper. Harrington invented the flushing toilet and Crapper refined the idea to enable blokes to have a poo whilst reading in comfort. This became known as multi-tasking, something that ladies still claim men can't do.

BBC 4 have asked Ammo to combine 2 of his favorite things and do a series of documentaries, each 1 hour long and in 27 episodes entitled 'Ammo Dumps'.

Dump explains the premise.

'I regal the audience with tales of travel and visiting famous cities. There will be amusing stories of what I have done in each city and then for the remaining 57 minutes of each programme I take an exceedingly long dump in a toilet of my choice in that city. The camera remains focused on the toilet door with a countdown clock to build the excitement'.

I ask him to let us know his favorite and he goes misty eyed and recalls the loo in the hotel lobby in Amsterdam. 'Ah that was in "Cok City"**. Great hotel. I managed to get to 43 minutes before the band started hammering on the door as they were waiting for me. I have to say that the one of the best hotels was in Leeds on my stag do. '42 The Calls'*. Posh is not the word. They actually employ people to wash your bott bott for you instead of using toilet paper'.

I talk to Ruth, Head of Destroya plc, about how Dumps' excessive toilet time encroaches into his personal life. She explains. 'Sometimes I end up going to bed, and he is in the loo, when the alarm goes off 8 hours later, he is still in there reading 12 year old copies of Private Eye'.

My time with Dump is up and I ask one final question. 'Ammo, your surname, did you change it to match your favorite past time?' 'No' he replies, 'I am the latest in a long line of Dumps that stretch as far back as my ancestor Count Louis Van Dump, third high prince consort of Persia, Now shut up and pass me that copy of the 1972 Beano annual, I have some multi-tasking to do'

Thomas Crapper was not available for comment.

*42 The Calls no longer employ bott bott washers for health and safety reasons

**Cok City is not connected with Cock City, a revue bar down the street.

Last night a rock star saved my life!

by Staff Reporter: Felicity Le Travail de Coup,

Taoism is the collective term used when describing the religious and/or philosophical traditions of Eastern Asia in the last 2000 years. People especially liken it to the Buddhist principals of peace, and many try to liken these principals to modern life. We have had the Tao of Physics, The Tao of Programming and most famously The Tao of Pooh. A new sensation is sweeping the Western World as stressed individuals desperately seek help in controlling their 'runaway' train lives. Welcome to 'The Tao of Soakie Vest'. The three Jewell's of Taoism are, Compassion, Humility and Moderation, and more and more people have realised that the modern Tao Messiah has been here all along. Once recent convert had this to say. 'I have a very stressful job, I employ thousands of people and loads seem to depend of me. I was struggling to cope with the pressure. Then one day my wife Michelle bought me the book 'The Tao of Soakie', and I have not looked back. Stressful days are a thing of the past. Of course I have become addicted to Fosters Lager and I get really pissed off if QPR lose but this is a price worth paying. I often ask What would Soakie Do? That's when I reach for the Fosters'. B. Obama, Washington D.C.

Another convert is Sig. S Berlusconi. 'I have had a little legal trouble lately and the Judge in the last trial said I would face jail unless I started following the Tao of Soakie. Can't quite understand the humility thing but the rest is easy'. Sig. Berlusconi has also invited me to his Villa on the lakes to practice Tantric Bunga Bunga Yoga. He even invited my sister and all of my female friends as well. What a nice man.

Back to America where Mr Obama has worked a plan of sorts to stop world terrorism. 'We plansh to dropsh fowshands of copies of his book all over the miggle easht. I'm on pint 12 of the lovely Foshters beer sho I better let shomebody elsh fly the plane'.

At his Surrey Mansion I ask Soakie what he plans to do with the royalties from his book. 'We have sold nearly 42million copies, with my royalties at 18% that's pretty much the bar bill for the next Destroya get together in the Red Lion, although not if we order Mushroom Sauce.

We all know of his Compassion and Humilty, but I ask him what he thought a good level of Moderation was? '15 pints' was his reply.

Missing Virtual Dildo found at last!! Exclusive

'Angry Cliff, Aged 187' Left. Right. Virtual Dildo with new band.

by staff reporter: Felicity Le Travail de Coup.

The continued absence of Marc Virtual Dildo from the Big Pop Quiz team can finally be explained. I can exclusively reveal he has been 'Moon lighting' with another band. He has been fronting a tribute band called 'Spliff Rich Hard' who play songs by the all time King of Rock 'n' Roll, Cliff Richard.

Cliff commented 'Bastard! I fucking knew that wanker Virtual Dildo loved me. He pretends not to, but I have seen the photo of him wearing the 'I love Cliff' t-shirt. With this new evidence try telling me the 'Uncle Necrophilia' is not a rip off of 'Wired for sound'.

I approached the band for a response.

Soakie Vest said' 'Look, if you are not going to take me down the the pub then piss off'. He then ran off down the street wearing nothing but a smile and a 1994 QPR away shirt.

Scud Crater was away 'delivering tea' in Hamburg. Ammo Dump was unavailable as he was already getting into character for a theme party he is hosting for the clinically shy and Nicky Domefur was busy trying to force Ian McCulloch to officially drop the 'THE' from the The Killing Moon. (leave it Domefur, just leave it).

Virtual Dildo's legal representative responded with a warning that any reference to MVD performing Cliff Richard songs will result in serious legal action and no Christmas card this year.

27th March 2011. Staines Town Hall. Destroya take part in the 'Big Pop Quiz 2". Is it all for charity, or just glory..... It’s just for glory. As with the previous 'Big Pop Quiz 1' Marc Virtual Dildo was not available so the Destroya boys went for the next best thing, Gian Virtual Dildo. In the Big Quiz 1, the other teams were blown away by the phallic sexiness of the rock/pop knowledge of Destroya. In the Big Quiz 2 the Destroya team were missing the expert Duran Duran knowledge of Ruth, long suffering head of Destroya plc, but even down to 5, Destroya were still too good for the opposition. Despite the best efforts of the quiz 'host', Mark Pedantic, who seemingly was desperate for his relatives to win. (Amazingly he had the brass bollocks to slip his Brother in Law, a big cash prize during the quiz), he even told the shocked contestants that Ammo Dump's answer of who was the lead singer of 'The Bangles' was not correct. Dump did well not to go up on stage and smack Mark Pedantic round the head with a haddock. It all worked out in the end, but in a final 'up yours' to the Destroya team Pedantic decided that no trophy would be awarded to the winning team.

Several things have come to light since the quiz. Mark Pedantic is a big fan of long time Destroya rivals 'Destroy Her', and Susanna Hoffs is suing Pedantic for miss-representation. Roll on the next quiz.