Melvin Bragg talks with Ammo Dump

Pictures: (Left to right) Crapper, Toilet (below left) Dump

An exclusive interview between Sir Melvin Bragg and Ammo Dump:

In the Biog of Ammo Dump, his list of heroes is endless, and all carry amusing and very very long anecdotes. The list contains all the names you would expect, Don Revie, Tony Yeboah, Franz Kafka, Dave Brock, Peter Gabriel, Ernesto Guevara and the bloke who invented Krispy Kreme doughnuts. But two of the names on the list will surprise people. John Harrington and Thomas Crapper. Harrington invented the flushing toilet and Crapper refined the idea to enable blokes to have a poo whilst reading in comfort. This became known as multi-tasking, something that ladies still claim men can't do.

BBC 4 have asked Ammo to combine 2 of his favorite things and do a series of documentaries, each 1 hour long and in 27 episodes entitled 'Ammo Dumps'.

Dump explains the premise.

'I regal the audience with tales of travel and visiting famous cities. There will be amusing stories of what I have done in each city and then for the remaining 57 minutes of each programme I take an exceedingly long dump in a toilet of my choice in that city. The camera remains focused on the toilet door with a countdown clock to build the excitement'.

I ask him to let us know his favorite and he goes misty eyed and recalls the loo in the hotel lobby in Amsterdam. 'Ah that was in "Cok City"**. Great hotel. I managed to get to 43 minutes before the band started hammering on the door as they were waiting for me. I have to say that the one of the best hotels was in Leeds on my stag do. '42 The Calls'*. Posh is not the word. They actually employ people to wash your bott bott for you instead of using toilet paper'.

I talk to Ruth, Head of Destroya plc, about how Dumps' excessive toilet time encroaches into his personal life. She explains. 'Sometimes I end up going to bed, and he is in the loo, when the alarm goes off 8 hours later, he is still in there reading 12 year old copies of Private Eye'.

My time with Dump is up and I ask one final question. 'Ammo, your surname, did you change it to match your favorite past time?' 'No' he replies, 'I am the latest in a long line of Dumps that stretch as far back as my ancestor Count Louis Van Dump, third high prince consort of Persia, Now shut up and pass me that copy of the 1972 Beano annual, I have some multi-tasking to do'

Thomas Crapper was not available for comment.

*42 The Calls no longer employ bott bott washers for health and safety reasons

**Cok City is not connected with Cock City, a revue bar down the street.

Last night a rock star saved my life!

by Staff Reporter: Felicity Le Travail de Coup,

Taoism is the collective term used when describing the religious and/or philosophical traditions of Eastern Asia in the last 2000 years. People especially liken it to the Buddhist principals of peace, and many try to liken these principals to modern life. We have had the Tao of Physics, The Tao of Programming and most famously The Tao of Pooh. A new sensation is sweeping the Western World as stressed individuals desperately seek help in controlling their 'runaway' train lives. Welcome to 'The Tao of Soakie Vest'. The three Jewell's of Taoism are, Compassion, Humility and Moderation, and more and more people have realised that the modern Tao Messiah has been here all along. Once recent convert had this to say. 'I have a very stressful job, I employ thousands of people and loads seem to depend of me. I was struggling to cope with the pressure. Then one day my wife Michelle bought me the book 'The Tao of Soakie', and I have not looked back. Stressful days are a thing of the past. Of course I have become addicted to Fosters Lager and I get really pissed off if QPR lose but this is a price worth paying. I often ask What would Soakie Do? That's when I reach for the Fosters'. B. Obama, Washington D.C.

Another convert is Sig. S Berlusconi. 'I have had a little legal trouble lately and the Judge in the last trial said I would face jail unless I started following the Tao of Soakie. Can't quite understand the humility thing but the rest is easy'. Sig. Berlusconi has also invited me to his Villa on the lakes to practice Tantric Bunga Bunga Yoga. He even invited my sister and all of my female friends as well. What a nice man.

Back to America where Mr Obama has worked a plan of sorts to stop world terrorism. 'We plansh to dropsh fowshands of copies of his book all over the miggle easht. I'm on pint 12 of the lovely Foshters beer sho I better let shomebody elsh fly the plane'.

At his Surrey Mansion I ask Soakie what he plans to do with the royalties from his book. 'We have sold nearly 42million copies, with my royalties at 18% that's pretty much the bar bill for the next Destroya get together in the Red Lion, although not if we order Mushroom Sauce.

We all know of his Compassion and Humilty, but I ask him what he thought a good level of Moderation was? '15 pints' was his reply.

Missing Virtual Dildo found at last!! Exclusive

'Angry Cliff, Aged 187' Left. Right. Virtual Dildo with new band.

by staff reporter: Felicity Le Travail de Coup.

The continued absence of Marc Virtual Dildo from the Big Pop Quiz team can finally be explained. I can exclusively reveal he has been 'Moon lighting' with another band. He has been fronting a tribute band called 'Spliff Rich Hard' who play songs by the all time King of Rock 'n' Roll, Cliff Richard.

Cliff commented 'Bastard! I fucking knew that wanker Virtual Dildo loved me. He pretends not to, but I have seen the photo of him wearing the 'I love Cliff' t-shirt. With this new evidence try telling me the 'Uncle Necrophilia' is not a rip off of 'Wired for sound'.

I approached the band for a response.

Soakie Vest said' 'Look, if you are not going to take me down the the pub then piss off'. He then ran off down the street wearing nothing but a smile and a 1994 QPR away shirt.

Scud Crater was away 'delivering tea' in Hamburg. Ammo Dump was unavailable as he was already getting into character for a theme party he is hosting for the clinically shy and Nicky Domefur was busy trying to force Ian McCulloch to officially drop the 'THE' from the The Killing Moon. (leave it Domefur, just leave it).

Virtual Dildo's legal representative responded with a warning that any reference to MVD performing Cliff Richard songs will result in serious legal action and no Christmas card this year.

27th March 2011. Staines Town Hall. Destroya take part in the 'Big Pop Quiz 2". Is it all for charity, or just glory..... It’s just for glory. As with the previous 'Big Pop Quiz 1' Marc Virtual Dildo was not available so the Destroya boys went for the next best thing, Gian Virtual Dildo. In the Big Quiz 1, the other teams were blown away by the phallic sexiness of the rock/pop knowledge of Destroya. In the Big Quiz 2 the Destroya team were missing the expert Duran Duran knowledge of Ruth, long suffering head of Destroya plc, but even down to 5, Destroya were still too good for the opposition. Despite the best efforts of the quiz 'host', Mark Pedantic, who seemingly was desperate for his relatives to win. (Amazingly he had the brass bollocks to slip his Brother in Law, a big cash prize during the quiz), he even told the shocked contestants that Ammo Dump's answer of who was the lead singer of 'The Bangles' was not correct. Dump did well not to go up on stage and smack Mark Pedantic round the head with a haddock. It all worked out in the end, but in a final 'up yours' to the Destroya team Pedantic decided that no trophy would be awarded to the winning team.

Several things have come to light since the quiz. Mark Pedantic is a big fan of long time Destroya rivals 'Destroy Her', and Susanna Hoffs is suing Pedantic for miss-representation. Roll on the next quiz.

Coming up with ideas

Presented with the artistic outpourings of his fellow band members, rock god Scud Crater became distracted from the continual routine of booze, fags and dismemberment.

His first thought was to develop the concept of spunk sculpture, but having discovered that the consistency of even his mighty gloppings were not enough to mould into any usable material he moved on to other techniques.

He came up with The Definitive Scud Crater A-Z of Spunk, having a Thomas The Tank over a picture of a celebrity of every letter of the alphabet and photographing them for a special coffee table book (with wipe clean pages so readers can join in the fun).

For the letter D he chose soap star sex queen Eileen Derbyshire - a move universally applauded by the rest of the band.

It prompted him to write a song Come On Eileen which he offered to the DESTROYA boys, but they and Dismemberment Records decided it was more suitable as a solo work.

It is likely to be included on his forthcoming Big In Japan, set for release in January.

The photographs are also going to be issued in the new year as a special fortnightly calendar and Scud has plenty of ideas for similar future spunk-orientated projects.

DESTROYA: Available on iTunes at last

Following the resolution of a long-running dispute between Apple and Dismemberment Records, the entire back catologue of DESTROYA albums will be made available on iTunes from the start of next year. Further details will be released on this site as soon as they are known.

In other news today it was announced that Chewbabba and Britney are to get married. Everyone at The Culture of Destroya would like to send their congratulations to the happy couple.

Ten year wait

When, back in November 2000, the single Chewy In The Cockpit failed to reach the top of the charts no-one was surprised.

It was the first and only release from DESTROYA's Live In Paris album and wasn't promoted by the band as they had rejected the album as a 'contractual obligation'.

The only promotion was done by Chewbabba himself with an appearance on Parkinson where he also famously discussed his masterpiece Star Whores.

Peaking at number four and only troubling the chart compilers for six weeks, it was supplanted by DESTROYA's angry anti-Paris statement - the double A-side Stop Looking At My Knob / I've Got The Hump.

This pair of tracks taken from the Tonic Is Beturr album went straight in at number one and stayed there as a seasonal Christmas coupling.

Ten years on though Chewy In The Cockpit has come to be viewed in a better light. The song was great, whatever the French associations it might have.

On Friday this week DESTROYA released a 10th Anniversary Remix of the song recorded on the way to Hamburg.

It comes in a limited edition metallic case with the a remastered version of the original live version and five other tracks: Look The Cabin Door's Open; Give Him To The Steward; Say It's For Your Daughter; Why My Daughter, Not Your Daughter; Why My Daughter, Not My Son.

Also included in the case is a DVD of Chewbabba's Parkinson appearance, including exclusive backstage footage.

It was announced yesterday (Sunday) that the track had entered the UK charts at number one.

The release will not be made available in France, but limited to Germany, Holland, Italy and Spain where it will be available in the next few days.