The new Medical centre at Thorpe Village is nearing completion and is a first for the NHS. Sponsored and built entirely by the grateful members of rock super group Destroya as a thank you the villagers for putting up with the thousands of fans who make the pilgrimage every year to the musical centre of the Destroya Universe. Marc Virtual Dildo said 'I have personally helped with the design of the centre. Not many people know this but I am a slightly qualified doctor. So I put on my old Dr Love hat and helped design the family planning section of the centre. I am very proud".

Tuesday 30th August 2011

WHO'S BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY!

Part time Destroya member, Chewbabba, has always denied having an affair with Simon Cowell's pet Cheryl Cole. Rumours that her dropping out of American X-Factor due to pregnancy have been denied. However she has been seen fitting a baby seat into the back of her Mini Metro and this snap of her bundle of joy might suggest that Chewbabba may have a few questions to answer. Cowell said 'If that thing has de-flowered my innocent little Geordie princess than I'm suing'!

Like Father like son?

Cars of the Stars

From: Lady Paste PR

To: Ruth, Head of Destroya Corporation

Ruth, as we discussed I have now secured a deal with the Economist to run a weekly competition about Destroya in 5 editions. The plan is to heighten the bands profile with the affluent ABC1's who will be the target audience of the new 'Destroya Opus'. As the cover price is £1,500 a copy.

I was thinking each weeks prize could be a personal item from each band member. The prize line is £12.54 per text or £7.12 per minute to call. Proceeds split as follows: 89% to Destroya Corp. 7% to the economist, 3% to the phone company and 1% to the 'Feed to Spanish donkeys' charity

My Suggestions for prizes are as follows:

Week 1 ) The match program from Manchester Utd where Soakie pretended to want to buy the club, went out on the pitch to do a bit of ball juggling and instead pooed on the centre circle.

Week 2) A copy of the video of MVD's 'This Is Your Life' episode, but the one which includes the deleted scene where Michael Aspel brings on Cliff Richard and MVD beats him to a bloody pulp!

Week 3) The letter that Ian McCulloch wrote confirming that "The Killing Moon' was actually called 'Killing Moon' and also a copy of the arrest warrant issued by Mersyside Police for Nicky kidnapping McCulloch and forcing him to write it.

Week 4) A chance for attractive female readers to have Scud Crater do a personal 1 on 1 (or should that be 1 in 1) dismemberment dance. If the winner is not attractive enough a substitute prize of a family bucket of Venky's chicken will be offered instead.

Week 5) A copy of the book 'Leeds, my part in their downfall and inevitable rise back to world domination', signed by the authors, Ammo Dump, Alan Smith and Kerry Katona.

Here is the copy for the comp, if you can run it past the boys.

Week 1

Which Band Member owns this car?

A) Barrack Obama

B) David Cameron

C) Soakie Vest

Week 2

Which band member owns this car?

A) Cliff Richard

B) Marc Virtual Dildo

C) Mary Whitehouse

Week 3

Which band member owns this car?

A) Elvis Presley

B) Eric the fat bloke

C) Nicky Domefur

Week 4

who owns this Truck?

A) Scud Crater

B) Spaghetti

C) Paris

Week 5

You must know what to do by now

A) Homer Simpson

B) Ammo Dump

C) Oh I give up, seriously, last week 32 people got it wrong!!

October 2011

EXCLUSIVE!

First look. The new Destroya super car has been unveiled. Manufactured in a partnership between Ferrari and Proton, the car is rumored to be available from 2012 with advance orders now being taken. Designed by Ammo Dump the roadster has a claimed top speed of 148mph with an fuel consumption of 86mpg. Dump explains 'The core fuel cell is actually a human waste/methane gas propulsion system. I goes like shit of a shovel'

The Houses of Parliament have already ordered 6 of the new models in an cost cutting drive. A government spokesperson said 'its ideal for us. MP's are full of shit'

Take a look at our exclusive picture and let us know what you think.

I predict a riot!

Comment by staff reporter Felicity Le Travail de Coup

The disgraceful scenes in Tottenham, as we know, led to copy cat rioting in other areas of the UK, although it was not in protest, these other 'riots' seem to be people going on a mass looting spree. Many stories have emerged of shops loosing there entire stock, but even more shocking is that organised gangs targeted the homes of the members of rock super group Destroya.

The following images have been released by the police urgently needing to identify these vicious criminals.

Acting Chief Inspector Clunge, of New Scotland Yard commented 'we would all like a bit of Destroya, but these idiots should know that any disruption the calm balanced lives of Destroya could put into doubt the plans for the forthcoming album and tour.* Don't they know how difficult it is to get the band members into the same room together. The hope that a new album will be here soon is all that a lot of us have to live for'!

Please look at the images below and if you know these people contact the police or take matters into your own hands and seek retribution.

This lady seen sneaking away from Ammo

Dumps House.

This lady munching her way through

Scud Craters supply of minted lamb burgers

This dog seen leaving MVD's penthouse with

the original and priceless virtual dildo.

This man leaving Nicky Domefur's house

with his BBQ recipe book

How about this man seen leaving Soakie Vests

Mansion with Soakie's lucky pants that used

to belong to Les Ferdinand.

If you have any information about these terrible, terrible people, call crime stoppers on 0845 69696969.

* the new destroya album and tour may take place sometime between now and 2014. (it won't be in Paris so don't get your hopes up Frenchies. You had your chance and you blew it...... for 3 times more then you said it cost).

From Johannsons Press Clipping Service

To Ruth. M.D. Destroya Corporation

11/7/11

Ruth, Only one mention of Destroya in the final edition of NOTW. They do want to talk about the licensing deal to replace it with Destroya on Sunday, a tabloid with tits, scandal, sport, tits and poetry.

From NOTW

Final Edition 10/7/11

Fun Spot:

'Derek Pilkington from Manchester got into to trouble with the Law... and his wife when he misunderstood the instructions to do the 'Destroya Dismemberment Dance'. 'It says quiet clearly wear the pussy on your head' said the bemused idiot. A spokeswomen for Destroya plc said 'Mr Pilkington is quite clearly a Pratt!'

Pilkington.. Pratt

Memo

From Chief Inspector Kevin Gusset

To PM

July 13th 2009

Dear PM, Further to your request I have had our officers look into the notes of Glen Mulcaire and can confirm there does indeed seem to have been some hacking of the Destroya mobile phones. It seems the main target was Scud Crater. Transcript of the intercepted messages as follows:

Message 1) Mr Crater, its Barry at Top Hat Dry Cleaning. Mate I put the trousers through 3 times. That stain aint coming out!

Message 2) Scud, Its Ammo. I have a great idea for a new song about the political unrest in South East Asia. Its called 'shall I flick your greasy marble with the tip of my tongue Mrs Wong'. I have no words or indeed music for it but the title is a winner'.

Message 3) Scud, its Nicky. I am at the Wimpy. Do you want a bender in a bun as well as the Wimpy half pounder? Hang on a second... (talking to another person) of course I want diet cokes you prick. Do I look like a fucking rugby player... Sorry Scud, the Benders are off. Back in about 10minutes'.

Message 4) Mr Crater, its Brian Wiglesworth from Peppermint Hippos' in Slough. Thanks for visiting last night. Your custom is always welcome. Umm, our dancers. We appear to have several missing. I was wondering in you know what happened to them?

Message 5) Scud Baby, its Chantelle from Peppermint Hippos'. Thanks for last night. You were right. The liberal use of KY jelly did make being worn like a hat a lot less painful this time. My Diaphragm is still hanging down by my knees though.

Message 6) Scud, Its Soakie. A more nuanced version of the view we discussed yesterday adds some financial accelerators, or perhaps we should now call them decelerators. We obviously had a series of bank runs in mid-September, but not just by small depositors and not just on banks. We also had a situation where falling values for collateral triggered more asset sales (either for accounting reasons or due to market pressure of various kinds), and this led to further lowering of collateral..... These are my opening remarks for the IMF Christmas Party. Should I go with this or tell the joke about Katie Price's kid and chromosomes that MVD told us?

Message 7) Scud, Its Lydia. You have not licked my Juicy Burger for ages. When are you coming down to the Red Lion again?

Message 8) Scud its Ammo, got another one. Its a mixed metaphor type thing for Joe Orton and modern society reliance on reality tv type stuff. Its called 'Put down the hammer Geri Halliwell, Edna Wellthorpes coming for ya!' Again I don't have any lyrics or music but the titles a start.

Message 9) Scud, Its Marc. Got this great website for you. its www.x9nww92t5hblkb*%2@±±§§=;;.com. Its brilliant. Its much better than www.[oivc50187hiub:;)) kjpijab[pij @£!£&(^%$&)```~~~"?LM<.com.

Message 10) Mr Crater sir, Its Adul from Egham Tandoori. Just to let you know your order comes to £1,269.32 and will be with you within 20 minutes or you get the Poppadoms on us. Thank you come again.

For the sake of the nation the NOTW has agreed not to publish any of the above.

Yours

Kevin Gussett