The Offical Destroya A - Z of Mang

By Brian Sewell

He's our Art Crtic... really

Sunday 11th September 2011

When the Destroya boy's meet up at the 3 Michelin star restaurant they had built at the Red Lion, the conversation always comes round to art in one form or another. Sadly a late call up to the Italian world cup rugby team prevented Marc Virtual Dildo from attending. But thanks to modern technology he joined in the conversation via the interweb.

The world needed to know who where the ladies who would make the definitive A-Z of mang. Modeling contracts, film roles, endorsements could be worth 5 or 6 times as much to any lucky lady who is on the list. It also showed that the band members don't always go for obvious and I believe their choices show a remarkable understanding of the female form. Would 'birds of a feather flock together' or would predictability win through.

A) Jessica Alba. An obvious choice although one of the original Destroya Babes Anatasia was also nominated

B) Kelly Brook. Once seen wearing a 'Dismember Me Softly' t-shirt.

C) Abbey Clancy. A favorite of the band ever since she revealed in an interview that when she and husband Peter Croach make love she makes him wear a Chewbabba mask.

D) Kirstin Dunst. Despite some strong challengers it was the Destroya tattoo on her arse cheek that got her the nod. It was also noted that she has a small birth mark on her inner thigh that resembles Ammo Dump.

Dunst. Has a image of Ammo Dump near her vag!

E) Erika Eleniak, won her place simply for the movie moment of jumping out of a cake, wearing only a black thong in Under Siege and defiantly not for Celebrity Fit Club, when she was flabby and not fit at all.

F) Megan Fox, Dirty little routny. Lists the Scud Crater branded KY jelly as her favourite product.

G) Kirsty Gallacher. Lives near the band on the Wentworth council estate and often comes down to the Red Lion to sniff the chairs hoping to get a wiff of Crater.

Gallacher, wants world peace and a sniff of Craters crater.

H) Liz Hurley. Controversial one here. 92 year old Liz seems to have been chosen thanks to her Oscar winning roles in Austin Powers and Bedazzled.

I) Natalie Imbruglia. The cries for Natalie where led by Soakie Vest who fondly remembers delivering tea to her. She still wears her QPR negligee every night.

Imbruglia, Obsessed with Soakie Vest.

J) Angelina Jolie. Famously broke up with Billy Bob Thornton because she refused to have the tattoo saying 100% Domefur removed. Also when the public where wearing the Team Jolie or Team Aniston t-shirts, she was wearing a 'Team Destroya' shirt

K) Heidi Klum. It seems that the bands decision to play their last 2 world tours in Germany only, is paying off. The Teutonic beauties simply throw themselves at Destroya's feet. Klum also admitted that featuring in the Destroya tour program for Berlin increased her profile world wide.

L) Kelly Le Brook. Won thanks to the memories of Weird Science and The Women in Red. Le Brook is 51 years old and wanted to thank the young people of Destroya for voting for her and she wished she had met Marc Virtual Dildo before she married 'that weirdo Steven Seagal'.

Eyes closed. Thinking of Virtual Dildo was the only thing that kept LeBrock going during her marriage to professional cock-head Segal.

M) Kylie Minogue. Her biggest hit was the cover of Monore's Santa Baby. The little Aussie cutie slipped in her own words, "Santa Baby, slip an Ammo under the tree, for me' Classic Destroya obsessed celebrity.

N) Mary Nightingale. The news reader famously said live on air 'its just been confirmed that Destroya's new album, "Welcome to the Weekend of Death" has gone triple platinum. Great news for the world and I for one have just creamed my knickers'.

Nightingale. 'Creamed knickers' live on air.

O) Bree Olson. former porn star who probably won due to her fantastic work with orphaned kittens and nothing to do with her avant gard attitude to sex... honestly. Currently working with Domefur on a film version of Kafka's seminal work The Metamorphosis.

P) Natalie Portman. In Black Swan where she and Mila Kuins have a lesbo munching scene, she admitted it was difficult at first until the director said just pretend it was a Destroya member down there between her thighs not Kunis. She refused to say which band member she fantasied about, but she did say cryptically her mind was at Loftus Road.

Q) Pauline Quirke. Only MVD voted here. Can I repeat, Only Marc Virtual Dildo voted!

Quirke and 2 mates wait for MVD in the hope of a 4 way!

R) Denise Richard. In the film The World is not Enough she plays Dr Christmas Jones. Christmas only comes once a year? Not if she hung out with Destroya.

S) Britany Spears. As if there would be any one else. The Original Destroya babe. Famously shaved her hair off in protest of Ammo Dumps incarceration until it was pointed out he was only in the loo having a very very long dump, and 3 days in the toilet is quite normal for Ammo. Has tattoo's of all the band members on her clitoris.

Britney catches the eye of Ammo Dump. Can't think why.

T) Charlize Theron. Oscar winning actress who once revealed that she didn't feel slutty enough to play a prostitute in Monster, until she spent the night 'In the Crater'. She admitted latter she felt plenty slutty after that.

U) No entry submitted. MVD's Uhura did not count.

V) Sofia Vergara, nominated by Dump and Domefur, this Colombian beauty is best know for her role Modern Family. She openly tells people that in Columbia inhaling the vapour from heroin is not called 'Chasing the dragon', its called 'Chasing The Soakie', as they all want to gain the euphoric state that Soakie achieves. Just drink beer love.

W) Rachel Wiess. Turned down the Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, because co-star Brandon Fraser revealed he preferred the soft rock of Def Leppard to Destroya's thrash metal/ballard style.

X) Zhou Xun . Ammo Dump's choice. Here is Zhou Xun accepting her award as the X in the A-Z of Destroya Mang

Y) Odette Yustman. Odette came to Destroya's attention when she was cast as Father Christmas in the video for 'Parisian street vendor, do you sell Mang?'

Z) Catherine Zeta-Jones. It was her work caring for the elderly that got her the nomination here. Plus the fact the only other Z, MVD's suggestion of celebirty anorexic Lena Zavaroni, passed away in 1999 and does not qualify. Despite this MVD did state he would still prefer Zavaroni, and is not influenced by Zeta-Jones's admission that she is a Spurs fan and prefers Greek men to Italians.

Well thats it till next year. We have already heard that Cheryl Cole 'will do anything' to get in the list in 2012, and June Brown, who plays Dot Cotton in Eastenders has said 'If Quirke can get MVD's nomination then I must have a chance. Especially since I sucked him off at this years TV Soap awards.

The new Medical centre at Thorpe Village is nearing completion and is a first for the NHS. Sponsored and built entirely by the grateful members of rock super group Destroya as a thank you the villagers for putting up with the thousands of fans who make the pilgrimage every year to the musical centre of the Destroya Universe. Marc Virtual Dildo said 'I have personally helped with the design of the centre. Not many people know this but I am a slightly qualified doctor. So I put on my old Dr Love hat and helped design the family planning section of the centre. I am very proud".

Tuesday 30th August 2011

WHO'S BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY!

Part time Destroya member, Chewbabba, has always denied having an affair with Simon Cowell's pet Cheryl Cole. Rumours that her dropping out of American X-Factor due to pregnancy have been denied. However she has been seen fitting a baby seat into the back of her Mini Metro and this snap of her bundle of joy might suggest that Chewbabba may have a few questions to answer. Cowell said 'If that thing has de-flowered my innocent little Geordie princess than I'm suing'!

Like Father like son?

Cars of the Stars

From: Lady Paste PR

To: Ruth, Head of Destroya Corporation

Ruth, as we discussed I have now secured a deal with the Economist to run a weekly competition about Destroya in 5 editions. The plan is to heighten the bands profile with the affluent ABC1's who will be the target audience of the new 'Destroya Opus'. As the cover price is £1,500 a copy.

I was thinking each weeks prize could be a personal item from each band member. The prize line is £12.54 per text or £7.12 per minute to call. Proceeds split as follows: 89% to Destroya Corp. 7% to the economist, 3% to the phone company and 1% to the 'Feed to Spanish donkeys' charity

My Suggestions for prizes are as follows:

Week 1 ) The match program from Manchester Utd where Soakie pretended to want to buy the club, went out on the pitch to do a bit of ball juggling and instead pooed on the centre circle.

Week 2) A copy of the video of MVD's 'This Is Your Life' episode, but the one which includes the deleted scene where Michael Aspel brings on Cliff Richard and MVD beats him to a bloody pulp!

Week 3) The letter that Ian McCulloch wrote confirming that "The Killing Moon' was actually called 'Killing Moon' and also a copy of the arrest warrant issued by Mersyside Police for Nicky kidnapping McCulloch and forcing him to write it.

Week 4) A chance for attractive female readers to have Scud Crater do a personal 1 on 1 (or should that be 1 in 1) dismemberment dance. If the winner is not attractive enough a substitute prize of a family bucket of Venky's chicken will be offered instead.

Week 5) A copy of the book 'Leeds, my part in their downfall and inevitable rise back to world domination', signed by the authors, Ammo Dump, Alan Smith and Kerry Katona.

Here is the copy for the comp, if you can run it past the boys.

Week 1

Which Band Member owns this car?

A) Barrack Obama

B) David Cameron

C) Soakie Vest

Week 2

Which band member owns this car?

A) Cliff Richard

B) Marc Virtual Dildo

C) Mary Whitehouse

Week 3

Which band member owns this car?

A) Elvis Presley

B) Eric the fat bloke

C) Nicky Domefur

Week 4

who owns this Truck?

A) Scud Crater

B) Spaghetti

C) Paris

Week 5

You must know what to do by now

A) Homer Simpson

B) Ammo Dump

C) Oh I give up, seriously, last week 32 people got it wrong!!

October 2011

EXCLUSIVE!

First look. The new Destroya super car has been unveiled. Manufactured in a partnership between Ferrari and Proton, the car is rumored to be available from 2012 with advance orders now being taken. Designed by Ammo Dump the roadster has a claimed top speed of 148mph with an fuel consumption of 86mpg. Dump explains 'The core fuel cell is actually a human waste/methane gas propulsion system. I goes like shit of a shovel'

The Houses of Parliament have already ordered 6 of the new models in an cost cutting drive. A government spokesperson said 'its ideal for us. MP's are full of shit'

Take a look at our exclusive picture and let us know what you think.

I predict a riot!

Comment by staff reporter Felicity Le Travail de Coup

The disgraceful scenes in Tottenham, as we know, led to copy cat rioting in other areas of the UK, although it was not in protest, these other 'riots' seem to be people going on a mass looting spree. Many stories have emerged of shops loosing there entire stock, but even more shocking is that organised gangs targeted the homes of the members of rock super group Destroya.

The following images have been released by the police urgently needing to identify these vicious criminals.

Acting Chief Inspector Clunge, of New Scotland Yard commented 'we would all like a bit of Destroya, but these idiots should know that any disruption the calm balanced lives of Destroya could put into doubt the plans for the forthcoming album and tour.* Don't they know how difficult it is to get the band members into the same room together. The hope that a new album will be here soon is all that a lot of us have to live for'!

Please look at the images below and if you know these people contact the police or take matters into your own hands and seek retribution.

This lady seen sneaking away from Ammo

Dumps House.

This lady munching her way through

Scud Craters supply of minted lamb burgers

This dog seen leaving MVD's penthouse with

the original and priceless virtual dildo.

This man leaving Nicky Domefur's house

with his BBQ recipe book

How about this man seen leaving Soakie Vests

Mansion with Soakie's lucky pants that used

to belong to Les Ferdinand.

If you have any information about these terrible, terrible people, call crime stoppers on 0845 69696969.

* the new destroya album and tour may take place sometime between now and 2014. (it won't be in Paris so don't get your hopes up Frenchies. You had your chance and you blew it...... for 3 times more then you said it cost).

From Johannsons Press Clipping Service

To Ruth. M.D. Destroya Corporation

11/7/11

Ruth, Only one mention of Destroya in the final edition of NOTW. They do want to talk about the licensing deal to replace it with Destroya on Sunday, a tabloid with tits, scandal, sport, tits and poetry.

From NOTW

Final Edition 10/7/11

Fun Spot:

'Derek Pilkington from Manchester got into to trouble with the Law... and his wife when he misunderstood the instructions to do the 'Destroya Dismemberment Dance'. 'It says quiet clearly wear the pussy on your head' said the bemused idiot. A spokeswomen for Destroya plc said 'Mr Pilkington is quite clearly a Pratt!'

Pilkington.. Pratt